I've been with mh services for 13 years. In and out of hospital. Therapy. Different medications. ECT. I'm severely depressed again. Two days ago I bought something that would facilitate killing myself. It's sat in my kitchen. I've been too depressed to even try to kill myself the past day or so. I have thoughts also of either using the item to kill myself or to go down to the level crossing tomorrow once the trains have started running again. I'm just so tired. Tired of being continually knocked down by this illness. This episode has lasted since June/July last year and has gotten progressively worse. I've self harmed. I've taken ODs I had a short hospital stay in October I have therapy I think of my family and how they would feel if i succeeded at killing myself and I know they would be devastated. But they would also be free. Free from worrying about me. At least they would know that I have been laid to rest. I feel tortured. I'm sorry if I have been too detailed in my plans for suicide. If I have broken the rules please edit or pm me and i will edit. thanks for listening.