Hi hun.Its a long story.But basically at teh end of the day it feels right now that everything comes down to potential inquests,enquiries and cop outs.Thats all that matters to professionals it seems.i know its probabloy not true but its how i feel tonight.
Whether i will die and whether there will be an inquiry or inquests etc and the results of these seem to be more important to everyone tonight rather than me as a person.
Just the potential possibility of these things is more important to them than me.
They are saying it indirectly not always directly.But in everything they do indirectly.i am just so so so angry.i dont blame them one bit.You see i understand.But it hurts so much.....i just thought these people cared.
i had been having contact with my support worker by text message.i find this easier than communicating verbally.Maybe its bad but i do.And she has always encouraged it.Then recently she started saying that things were too much for her.She couldnt cope with my messages and perhaps could i not text but she would be there for me verbally instead.Thsi was hard for me as i was upset and find verbal things harder but i tried i really tried and did stop for a while.Then last Wednesday at the end of the workshop i tried to speak to her verbally and i even would have gone with her to the hospital that day [something she hasd been asking me to do for a long time previously] yet she was actually quite rude in her brushing off of me and telling me she had no time to tak was busy and going soon.She had been like that on various occasions when ive tried to inititae verbal stuff with her previuosly.Anyway so after this i felt i had no choice but to go back to texting and then also was contacting her verbally to try and really have any texting needs at a minimum in line with her wishes.i wouldnt have needed to text if i could get hold of her and certainly not so much if at all.yet again calls were ignored and not returned etc.i felt i had no choice.Again i texsted then today i got a letter from her telling me off for texting.And saying basically that the project had decide it was inappropriate for me to contact the project in that way cos of the information i was sharing and passing on to them in the messages.i think they know i am dying and they are trying to cover themselves.In a way i understand them so so much.If they have a person who may potentially die on the books and they dont know if they are going to get better or not i guess they have to cover themselves.i can understand that all to weelll.i couldnt even blame them if they hated me but now im too much for even them not just everyone else.Part of me feels just so hurt.Inquests and inquiries or should i say potential inquests/inquiries [given unfortunatlely im still alive] seem to be more important than any caring even professional caring for any person these days.In a way i can understand that.But i just hurt.i hurt so much.i know that may be wrong.i admiit that and i understand so please dont have a go at me too and please just let me hurt.
i cant take this and now my support worker has an eleven page letter waiting for her in the morning.Maybe it was overboard.maybe im unfair,rotten and im sorry but im just hurting.Why does covering themselves have to be more important than me as a person why why why?