Living a lie?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neverender, Mar 2, 2012.

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  1. Neverender

    Neverender Active Member

    Hi everybody. I've got so much on my mind. I don't even know where to start.

    If you saw my introduction thread in the welcome area then you know my background and it's not pretty. Anyway, let me tell you where I stand tonight. I'm at a little over a week with no painkillers after about two months of nonstop usage, but admittedly I've been using an amphetamine to get high and feel better since Monday. I just can't exist for even a day as a sober human being. I've had my heart broken again, but it's my own fault- i'm trying to sort it out but those efforts are not gaining any traction. I suppose it's really kind of menial compared to the other things that are on my mind, but this has certainly triggered me into this tailspin I'm in. I'm sober right now, and I'm exhausted which is good because soon I will fall asleep and cannot do anything harmful tonight.

    Today was a very sad day. I have been followed around all day by thoughts of things I can't ever heal from. Specifically my ex and the thoughts of the baby we would presently be raising together if the world was a fair place. Im also just so lost over the fact that despite livin my life as a self-proclaimed "dreamer" and always trying to set the bar high for myself, I have seen zero return. I've tried so hard to earn my way to a good existence. I did ok in school. I did fairly well in college. Neither of those matter. I work at a terrible job, I just lost my current girlfriend of about 1 year. I have friends but they live many hundreds of miles away in the town I ran away from because of the pain I endured there. I'm realizing there is nowhere to run to. I can hide from it for as long as I am not sober... But I just can't keep doing that. Its not real. And if my life is only bearable when taken with chemicals, then how am I supposed to feel real?

    At this point I'm barely even in pain. I'm just numb. I have this resolute and confident feeling that this planet is not a place I fit or belong. I'm not loved, I'm easily forgettable. People have no problem walking out of my life. I'm truly alone. I feel like this time I've truly been beaten into submission. I feel that it's time to stop being a part of this game. It's very hard for me to accept at this point that at this point there is really anything to be won by continuing.

    Tonight is not my night to leave this earth, but I wish it was.
  2. Neverender

    Neverender Active Member

    I try to make friends here. Nobody reaches out to me. This city is the loneliest place on earth. Even if they did reach out to me... It's too late. I don't have any reason to continue. I was never meant to be here in the first place. Now I've hurt a girl who loved me this week. We were planning to try and start a life together. She couldn't take my level of fear and anxiety. It caused us alot of fights. She broke up with me Monday. I'm tryin to talk to her. I'm trying to show her I want to earn her forgiveness and not to give up on our dreams. I'm in a position of absolute uncertainty. If I lose her for good, why give my heart to someone else? Why go through it a third time?

    First love left me and aborted our child and turned her family against me, I loved all of them.

    I tried again, I gave my heart to this second chance at love- I hurt her and she can't forgive me.

    I've had a terrible life, these failed attempts at love are just the most recent pain on top of a mountain of hurt. Being born an orphan, living as an adopted person with no self identity or sense of belonging. Being the victim of a pedophile. Losing everything important to me. I can't overcome it all and nobody should expect me to.

    I don't know where to go from here. Drugs can't even stop the pain now. There is nowhere to rest my head. But I don't even cry anymore. I just do the thousand yard stare and drag through each day. I am out of options and don't know what to do, I just know what feels like the answer.

    The pain is too much. I do not want this hurting anymore.
  3. Neverender

    Neverender Active Member

    well, this is getting worse. I was up almost all night. I spent much of the day contemplating methods and locations. I'm coming undone. I've lost all my strength, I cant keep doing this.
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