Living a ruined life

[AlienBeing]

Hi,
I'm just some loser who has wasted all her potential. I was a gifted, sensitive kid who got hated, abused and bullied. I developed numerous mental illnesses along the way--anxiety, then avoidant personality, then anorexia, then depression, and finally borderline personality. Still managed to graduate at the top of my class as valedictorian then pretty much fell apart after that, living a life of quiet desperation. I've tried to kill myself numerous times but just damaged myself in the process. I've worked (but got bullied there too), owned a house, a car, the whole middle class bullshit. It brought me no satisfaction at all. Went in and out of numerous romantic relationships but always got bored with them. Went in and out of school here and there. Got 90's while I was there but then would fall apart emotionally again before I could finish. At 47 I'm 2 credits short of a science degree and living on disability. Nobody of any interest wants anything much to do with me. I'm just a lonely, pathetic loser living in supportive housing who's only "friend" is a social worker. My mother is dying of brain cancer and I can't stop resenting her and my father for rejecting me as a child. All the people who have picked on me are probably happy they've emotionally destroyed me and left me for dead. God what a lot of self pity. That's even worse than the rest of it. I just can't live with myself any longer.

 

[hollowvoice]

hi wastingawayagain welcome to sf sorry your feeling so low youve had alot of crap to put up with in your life
its hard when theres no satisfaction i hope you stick around here to find some nice people
your not a pathetic loser by any means ok

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and so sad you feel as you do...sounds like you are blaming the victim...you have been through so much and seems like you have not stepped back to see everything that was done to you...you are not pathetic...you were injured and have not given yourself the permission to heal...I know this well as I am the Queen of self-loathing at times...please know that there are so many others here who relate to this...have you sought professional help? I know it sounds banal in the middle of your pain to ask this, but it might help...you do deserve to feel better...thanks for sharing and please continue to let us know how you are doing...J

 

[AlienBeing]

I've had almost 30 years of professional help. A lot of good it's done.:doh:

 

[total eclipse]

I hope you can find something that will bring you some joy some meaning to you. Therapy with the right therapist can help you heal Just need that one person that is good at what they do and you will reconnect with life again. I am glad you are reaching out here too it helps to talk to people who truly understand your pain Keep posting okay let us know how you are doing :hugtackles:

 

[AlienBeing]

I've been seeing the same very kind and understanding therapist for 10 years now. He's the only person I feel safe with but it's not enough. I told him I would call someone I want to be friends with this week but I haven't been able to do it. I'm procrastinating. I can't overcome the anxiety and just do it. I have until Wednesday. I'm going to feel like a failure if I have to go back and say I couldn't do it. I also said I would sign up for a spring continuing education course and time is almost up for that too. I feel paralyzed, unable to act. He started me on Cymbalta and Imovane this week but I'm still only sleeping about 5 or 6 hours with the Imovane and the Cymbalta is killing my appetite when I'm already too thin.
(It's actually a requirement to keep my subsidized, supportive housing that I see a psychiatrist and a support worker so I have no choice if I want a roof over my head. But the people in this building are all miserably insane, are regularly dragged off to the hospital by the police and the lady across the hall has bedbugs.)

 

[NightPetals]

Hi :hug:
Please don't think that way!! You are still just as amazing, because beauty is one thing that never ages. Look at my mom for example, she is 43, failed both marriages from abusive relationships, is 4 months pregnant, her unemployment benefits are running out, has to secretly take part time jobs to make up the rent, has zero financial assets, have never been told that she is beautiful, barely ever noticed and has to deal with a mentally handicapped and suicidal daughter like me, but, she is more happy and satisfied with her life than anyone I have ever met. She never gives up, my mom is always trying her hardest to live everyday and take care of me. She never lets life get to her. That is why me and other people around her love her so much. My mom always takes joy to the smallest details and never stops hoping and dreaming in the toughest situations. Just yesterday she managed to stop me from ending my life. I am sure that love and freedom is there in your life, all you have to do is stop worrying so much and know that as long as you've still got a breath, dreams, hope and love will never end. I hope you a lovely day and take care!! :hugtackles: :hugtackles:

 

[lostbutnotfound]

Hi wastingawayagain. I am so sorry that life is such a battle for you right now. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. By finding this forum and posting you are reaching out for support.. the support that you both need and deserve. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me. Take care :arms: