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Empathy Only Living as a Nobody

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#1
When I have too much time to think all I think about is the trauma. It went on for so long that it became normal. In the rare times I come out of the fog, I go into some sort of shock.

I don't know who I am. I'm lost. I don't know how I got here or what the point of my life is. Doesn't seem real.

Shock, then despair and wanting to die.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#3
When I have too much time to think all I think about is the trauma. It went on for so long that it became normal. In the rare times I come out of the fog, I go into some sort of shock.

I don't know who I am. I'm lost. I don't know how I got here or what the point of my life is. Doesn't seem real.

Shock, then despair and wanting to die.
I know that, although the reasons may not be the exact same necessarily, if it makes sense I think I can somewhat relate to what you're describing going through and experiencing now. For me, when this state, or transition sort of takes place, what happens, is, that it ends up with me being in a place of borderline catatonia. Not fun! Needless to say. . . (I mean, I can barely speak, or utter an odd word; make a normal facial expression when out in public to someone as a normal reaction, etc.) Let's hope you don't experience this same sort of end stage that I am referring to - & quite frankly - I'd just like to state that I am amazed you are even able to carry on and be capable of functioning even at this level right now, given the extreme & extraordinary grief you've been put through. It really is something, isn't it?Here you've probably spent a decent time, researching what would be a good job for you, given your skills & qualification, education /& salary - everything else (beforehand). And now what was the result, or prize for you? In terms of its outcome: The most Hell-ish~ working environmnet & experience one could imagine! Let's be truthful here--I bet you couldn't have scripted a more disastrous set of "characters," to be stuck with, or in place for, during your stay... at this "job!" Or 'occupation.' I say that somewhat semi-seriously in tone - because even if it is, on paper, all that you'd wanted and desired from the start, or outset in terms of "job description/duties," (though I gather from some of your other most recent comments that it is not even that) ...but even if! hypothetically speaking; it was, or were (as perfect as your going to get, for right now) then these, "Players!" would totally have undone all of that. . . in my opinion- Here's hoping fo rbetter & brighter days ahead (lord know s they can't get, or be any worse!) huh? Keep your head up, A-H!
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#4
I know that, although the reasons may not be the exact same necessarily, if it makes sense I think I can somewhat relate to what you're describing going through and experiencing now. For me, when this state, or transition sort of takes place, what happens, is, that it ends up with me being in a place of borderline catatonia. Not fun! Needless to say. . . (I mean, I can barely speak, or utter an odd word; make a normal facial expression when out in public to someone as a normal reaction, etc.) Let's hope you don't experience this same sort of end stage that I am referring to - & quite frankly - I'd just like to state that I am amazed you are even able to carry on and be capable of functioning even at this level right now, given the extreme & extraordinary grief you've been put through. It really is something, isn't it?Here you've probably spent a decent time, researching what would be a good job for you, given your skills & qualification, education /& salary - everything else (beforehand). And now what was the result, or prize for you? In terms of its outcome: The most Hell-ish~ working environmnet & experience one could imagine! Let's be truthful here--I bet you couldn't have scripted a more disastrous set of "characters," to be stuck with, or in place for, during your stay... at this "job!" Or 'occupation.' I say that somewhat semi-seriously in tone - because even if it is, on paper, all that you'd wanted and desired from the start, or outset in terms of "job description/duties," (though I gather from some of your other most recent comments that it is not even that) ...but even if! hypothetically speaking; it was, or were (as perfect as your going to get, for right now) then these, "Players!" would totally have undone all of that. . . in my opinion- Here's hoping fo rbetter & brighter days ahead (lord know s they can't get, or be any worse!) huh? Keep your head up, A-H!
I'm sorry to disappoint, but I do get a bit catatonic like you described. When it happens at work I have to sit down because I can't even stand up. I've been hiding in the storage room. When I talk I can only manage a whisper, but can't repeat what I've said.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
When I have too much time to think all I think about is the trauma. It went on for so long that it became normal. In the rare times I come out of the fog, I go into some sort of shock.

I don't know who I am. I'm lost. I don't know how I got here or what the point of my life is. Doesn't seem real.

Shock, then despair and wanting to die.
You are still in the oppressive situation where you cant be, or express, yourself freely, and I think we'd all feel lost in those circumstances. I can feel your exhaustion, but I hope you don't give in to the feeling of being powerless to change things and give up on thinking of a constructive way out.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#6
I've felt lost for a long time now.

A song that sort of speaks to how I feel is Out to Get You by James. Not sure you've heard it, but it hits hard. Some of the lyrics:

"I don't know who I am anymore
The face is familiar
But the eyes
- the eyes
Give it all away"

It's a tough place to be. I hope you are able to figure some things out for yourself. Be patient and kind in the process.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#7
I'm sorry to disappoint, but I do get a bit catatonic like you described. When it happens at work I have to sit down because I can't even stand up. I've been hiding in the storage room. When I talk I can only manage a whisper, but can't repeat what I've said.
The is a normal trauma response known as freeze or "playing dead". It's horrible and I experience too ..the worst in places in public. None of you are alone here. It's a nightmare. Peace where you can find it.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#8
I'm wondering how you are doing now? Not that I expect anything..just see it's been a few days since the post.
Also
I relate. Hardcore. Wish I knew what to say. But I recognize derealization in your statements and I came here to feel less alone and thank you for putting yourself out there.
Not knowing who you are anymore is..devastating. I hope you begin to find things here and there that bring you some understanding and heal the disconnects.
Anyway I experience all of what you describe. Wanted to show some support even though I'm not sure what to say as feeling the same.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#9
You are still in the oppressive situation where you cant be, or express, yourself freely, and I think we'd all feel lost in those circumstances. I can feel your exhaustion, but I hope you don't give in to the feeling of being powerless to change things and give up on thinking of a constructive way out.
I am in this too. This helps to read.
 

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