living death

From the outside, I look like a happy guy. I was successful in my life. I was good in science, I was winning math competitions, I received many prizes in the area of maths, physics and robotics. One professor and a few people said I am going to win a Nobel prize or at least I am up to something big. With this in my mind, I was studying hard, getting only A's. And I was enjoying the attention. During my studies, companies were offering me well paid jobs. I didn't take any job because I wanted to concentrate on my studies. I didn't drink alcohol and I didn't enjoy much of my life because I didn't want to waste my time. I didn't have a girlfriend even if girls wanted me. I don't have many friends, but those I have, I know them for 25 years since my childhood and they are my best - they are calling me often and they are inviting me to each party.

But nobody knows what I am hiding for the last 4 years. I am slowly dying.

The hell slowly started when I made some money by trading financial markets and I was feeling that I don't need to finish my education in college, so I left the university. To make some more money, I found a job in a bank as a programmer. I hated that job (there was no creativity), so I returned back to finish college. I lost two years. Also some respected professors were persuading me to finish my education and continue my academic career and I didn't have the courage to disobey. I successfully finished college and I started to work on my PhD. I was happy again because I loved teaching students. But studying, studying and only studying was driving me crazy, I had no sex, no girlfriend and I wanted to finally enjoy my life. I was observing that people driving a fancy car and having a beautiful girl are not necessarily well educated and they are happier than me. I left my PhD, and I started to do normal things: guitar, dancing, drinking... In the meanwhile, I made a killing in financial markets. So I started a new life on some tropical islands (I was moving from one island to another around the world). I was diving, surfing and enjoying life. Actually, I was running from responsibilities. I was not sleeping well, no idea why. I was taking sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep, but they didn't help. Some days I couldn't go out of my villa because I was very tired. For the last 4 years, I am tired every day. I am trying to hide it from everyone, so when my friends call me for a party tonight, I have to tell an excuse, because I don't want people to see me so tired, like a living death (I was hoping I will be back to normal one day). All the time, I was feeling useless because all I have is just money. In the meanwhile, I was seeing many of my friends and colleagues in the media. They are successful in their areas, making inventions, startups, post-docs... or at least they are working in companies such as google and facebook. And I was much better than them during college, but I wasted it. Suddenly I realized that I failed. I spent so many years on the islands doing nothing... where is my Nobel prize? I was feeling useless because all I have is just money. All the people who were thinking I am going to be a scientist are now disappointed. My colleagues don't want to talk with me or meet me. It made me cry. I returned back home and I am desperate. I feel too old to start doing PhD. I have no more time to accomplish something. Most of my friends are married and they have kids. I wasted the best years of my life. Nobody wants to talk with me (only my best friends). I think I have no future. Now I understand why I can't sleep all the time. I regret that I left my career. There were times when I was good and now it's over. I want to have a family and kids too, but first, I need to find a job that would grab my interest to be more relaxed. But I can't have a good job because I wasted my time. I am 10 years behind. It would take me years to get somewhere and I would get old. Smart women don't like me anymore because I am mr. nobody. I still have a lot of money and I don't like girls that want me just for money. So I cannot even find a woman that would love me and I would love her. The women that admired me years ago are not talking with me anymore. Today they are more successful than me and I am not good for them. I screwed my whole life. I am not going to be a scientist, I will not find a suitable job that I like, I am not going to have a family, I am not going to be happy. The game is over. And I don't want to live the rest of my life so desperate. I am crying every day for months, my head and stomach hurt, I can't breath, I lost 15 kg, I hardly go out to buy things and I pray to die. I am often thinking about suicide, but I also imagine what would happen then... I imagine my parents and my brother crying for me... and I just can't do it to them because they love me so much. It's the only thing preventing me from suicide. I am trying to endure this torture, but I am living death.

 

Hey look, I'm not quite sure how old you are right now, but what's to say you can't still go back to the sciences and accomplish something? I'm guessing you're in your 30's-40's or so?

The constant studying and researching was making you hate what you were doing. Don't blame yourself so much for trying to go out and have some fun with your life. You were feeling guilty about what others expected of you and this made you unable to sleep, but it's not their business to determine your future and what you do with your time. It's your life, and it's ultimately your decision what you do with it.

If you do go try to pursue the sciences again, at least some girls might see that as admirable and be attracted to you. If you continue to sit around having fun with your money, which certainly doesn't sound like it's giving you any sense of accomplishment, then you'll most probably remain unattractive. You've gotta get back on your feet! don't wait any longer to start doing what you feel you were meant to do. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be to get back into it, so just go and do it now! Who knows, the right woman might just come across your path out of the blue- there's no guarantee, but it's not like it's got no chance of happening.

Now, sciences aren't the only path you can take again. Maybe you could find something else that you can be passionate about. But I feel that to find love, you really do have to have a motivation and drive in your life, because there's nothing more attractive than that.

Anyways, sorry if I was unable to provide you with a satisfactory response. I do hope you can find something to get motivated for.

 

Thanks. I am starting to realize that the only way to start again is to stop focusing on accomplishment, proving myself or comparing with others. I remember that years ago, I never tried to get somewhere, I never expected that I will have some success and I was just enjoying what I was doing. But somehow results came and so came all those people around me with their expectations about me which was putting pressure on me.
I am in 30's...

 

The sleep problems make me think you have depression.

I have depression myself so I know something about the condition.

If you ever catch yourself having repetitive dreams dealing with situations of impotence, failure, struggle and humiliation then its 100% sure you have depression.
The elements in the dreams change for me but not the psychological components. It is fascinating what depression does to the REM phase and what that does to us.

Your life story sounds kind of interesting, but I get your frustration for losing a possibly bright professional future.

The first thing would be to solve the sleep issues but for that you will need to solve depression... It is probably not too late for you to achieve something in your field, but in life there is always unexpected avenues as well.

 

Expectations are a bitch. Doing what you're passionate about without comparing yourself to more successful people is definitely a recipe for success, and you still have more than enough time.