From the outside, I look like a happy guy. I was successful in my life. I was good in science, I was winning math competitions, I received many prizes in the area of maths, physics and robotics. One professor and a few people said I am going to win a Nobel prize or at least I am up to something big. With this in my mind, I was studying hard, getting only A's. And I was enjoying the attention. During my studies, companies were offering me well paid jobs. I didn't take any job because I wanted to concentrate on my studies. I didn't drink alcohol and I didn't enjoy much of my life because I didn't want to waste my time. I didn't have a girlfriend even if girls wanted me. I don't have many friends, but those I have, I know them for 25 years since my childhood and they are my best - they are calling me often and they are inviting me to each party. But nobody knows what I am hiding for the last 4 years. I am slowly dying. The hell slowly started when I made some money by trading financial markets and I was feeling that I don't need to finish my education in college, so I left the university. To make some more money, I found a job in a bank as a programmer. I hated that job (there was no creativity), so I returned back to finish college. I lost two years. Also some respected professors were persuading me to finish my education and continue my academic career and I didn't have the courage to disobey. I successfully finished college and I started to work on my PhD. I was happy again because I loved teaching students. But studying, studying and only studying was driving me crazy, I had no sex, no girlfriend and I wanted to finally enjoy my life. I was observing that people driving a fancy car and having a beautiful girl are not necessarily well educated and they are happier than me. I left my PhD, and I started to do normal things: guitar, dancing, drinking... In the meanwhile, I made a killing in financial markets. So I started a new life on some tropical islands (I was moving from one island to another around the world). I was diving, surfing and enjoying life. Actually, I was running from responsibilities. I was not sleeping well, no idea why. I was taking sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep, but they didn't help. Some days I couldn't go out of my villa because I was very tired. For the last 4 years, I am tired every day. I am trying to hide it from everyone, so when my friends call me for a party tonight, I have to tell an excuse, because I don't want people to see me so tired, like a living death (I was hoping I will be back to normal one day). All the time, I was feeling useless because all I have is just money. In the meanwhile, I was seeing many of my friends and colleagues in the media. They are successful in their areas, making inventions, startups, post-docs... or at least they are working in companies such as google and facebook. And I was much better than them during college, but I wasted it. Suddenly I realized that I failed. I spent so many years on the islands doing nothing... where is my Nobel prize? I was feeling useless because all I have is just money. All the people who were thinking I am going to be a scientist are now disappointed. My colleagues don't want to talk with me or meet me. It made me cry. I returned back home and I am desperate. I feel too old to start doing PhD. I have no more time to accomplish something. Most of my friends are married and they have kids. I wasted the best years of my life. Nobody wants to talk with me (only my best friends). I think I have no future. Now I understand why I can't sleep all the time. I regret that I left my career. There were times when I was good and now it's over. I want to have a family and kids too, but first, I need to find a job that would grab my interest to be more relaxed. But I can't have a good job because I wasted my time. I am 10 years behind. It would take me years to get somewhere and I would get old. Smart women don't like me anymore because I am mr. nobody. I still have a lot of money and I don't like girls that want me just for money. So I cannot even find a woman that would love me and I would love her. The women that admired me years ago are not talking with me anymore. Today they are more successful than me and I am not good for them. I screwed my whole life. I am not going to be a scientist, I will not find a suitable job that I like, I am not going to have a family, I am not going to be happy. The game is over. And I don't want to live the rest of my life so desperate. I am crying every day for months, my head and stomach hurt, I can't breath, I lost 15 kg, I hardly go out to buy things and I pray to die. I am often thinking about suicide, but I also imagine what would happen then... I imagine my parents and my brother crying for me... and I just can't do it to them because they love me so much. It's the only thing preventing me from suicide. I am trying to endure this torture, but I am living death.