living hurts too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GemmaT, Sep 30, 2015.

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  1. GemmaT

    GemmaT Member

    I hate everyday that I wake up. I don't want to have to deal with anything or anyone. Some how I am able to put a good face on go deal with the world. I sat in a meeting today as others were talking about the subject at hand, I wondered what the people who weren't talking were thinking about. As I sat there, my brain continued to contemplate the methods of suicide, my mind keeps coming back to same ones. I think about the sense of relief in following through. I catch the gaze of my boss and the internal rage immediately takes hold again. I think about everything that has been happening, I am looking around the room. I just want to leave. I want to punch, kick, destroy anything in my path. At the same, it probably wouldn't take much to get the waterworks flowing. The boss harasses me off and on during the day. Somehow I managed screw something up, apparently again. Whatever I do doesn't seem to be right. I go home and more issues. Each day more of the same.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are in so much emotional pain with your job Have you talked to anyone about how you are feeling your doctor a therapist someone it can help to unload some of the anger and pain you are feeling. Hope you keep talking here as well ok rant vent post go into chat and talk that way you won't feel so alone with it all.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Gemma, that sounds quite rough to have to deal with. What exactly is going on with your boss? Has he/she always been this way?
    Funny thing is (not literally funny), is that those people not talking could have been thinking similar to you. You just never know. Have you any support from a boyfriend/husbands, friends? You need to sort this situation out and soon. I am so sorry you're going through this right know, just believe that things will get better.
     
  4. GemmaT

    GemmaT Member

    I don't have husband/bf because I am gay. And no, I don't currently have a wife/gf. This probably a good thing, I wouldn't want put anyone else through my crap right now. I know I wouldn't want me. As for my boss she's just a contributor to a bigger problem. But she sure does her part. As for "friends", I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk about how I am feeling. My next appt with my pdoc is scheduled for next week. But I don't want to go. I feel like the last medication adjustments just messed me up royally. I don't want her to know what has been happening the last month out of fear she would want me hospitalized. At the same time, I am really mad at her and the med situation and I want to let her havit. I am just so sick of it all. I just don't want to feel anything. That is big reason why I use to drink, not to feel. Then it turned into an addiction. So you take alcohol/drugs, severe depression and a suicide attempt and BAM! You end up hospitalized for awhile. I hated the hospital, the inpatient program. I swore I would never go back. I would rather die. you know most of the world thought I went into hiding those few months. So yeah, I would rather die than go back.
     
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