Living in pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kevin118, Nov 26, 2007.

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  1. kevin118

    kevin118 Member

    Not really sure where to go or what to do. I guess I'm looking for a community or someone who understands, or just someone to relate to.

    I'm 22, and it's been over a year and a half since I developed my suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I guess I'll start with the main factor behind my depression . I am bisexual, though probably leaning a little more on the heterosexual side... 2 and a half years ago, I met a couple, a man and a woman. We experimented sexually. Eventually they fell in love with me and told me so, and I really truly felt the same way. Things went on and our feelings grew for each other. Then she confronted me one night and said that they had started seeing another man as well. I denied my feelings initially, I was a little mad, but relatively easy going. I had always been incredibly laidback and loving of everything life had to offer. Nothing seemed to phase me until then. Maybe a month went by and I just started getting worse, realizing my jealousies more and more. She said she loved me and cared for me, but would also not stop seeing this other man. I started finding her lying to me, coming up with excuses, becoming secretive. I became very depressed and didn't know how to handle things anymore. I decided to leave the relationship. The next 3-4 months were complete hell. It seemed like endless darkness and I began to find more ways to either passively or actively harm myself. Like blindly walking in front of traffic at school, intentionally instigating fights in the hopes someone would harm me so I would not have to be responsible for it myself, but that never happened. I started drinking trying to poison myself, but I always vomitted it up. I tried pills, but puked those up as well when they made me sick enough. I eventually started cutting myself as a way to harm myself. So much self-destructive behavior... at the time I was rationalizing with myself, that all the happiness I felt when I was with her, I did not deserve, like I reached some forbidden joy, and that all the suffering and pain I felt was punishment for that. Once I cut up my body with a razor blade and I saw myself in the mirror with blood all over, I was initially disgusted. But then the next few days I somehow felt better when looking at my scars. As if I found a way to turn my emotional scars into physical ones... I didn't feel fully better, I was still depressed, but I felt a little less suicidal and more in control.

    A couple weeks later I started being friends with the couple again, in a non-sexual way. They had broken up with and stopped seeing the other man. The man of the couple told me how depressed he had been as well when I was gone, and how incredibly in love with me he is. He comforted me when I told him about my cutting myself. She was distressed over breaking up with the other man, and I comforted her. I was there for her as much as she needed me to be, because I loved her, not because I wanted to be with her or be sexual with her again. I did not want to feel the pain of being hurt again. But either by stupidity or sheer naiveness, she eventually convinced me to get back together with them. To start again with a new outlook and respect for everyone in the relationship. Things were well for a time... Although I always had haunting memories and still do of the pain from the first breakup. I was strong though, and I kept them to myself, and I kept them from interfering with our relationship. After not even a year... she became hostile, secretive, and abusive. During one of her worst freakouts I saved my boyfriend from suicide as I broke down the bathroom door to find him cutting his wrists. After all this she seemed ok, but not perfect, but always telling us that everything is ok, and how much she loves us. Then months later out of the blue she just moves out of the house while we were out to see a movie one night. She never wants to be with us ever again, and will not tell us why.

    It's been almost two months now... So many memories and thoughts haunt me every day and night, they destroy me. I cried everyday and was almost incapable of doing anything for the first month. I both loved her and hated her. Now I just hate her, and want nothing to do with her. I wish I had never met her. I can't even see or talk to her anymore, last time I just ended up cutting myself again, just to keep from killing myself. That was three weeks ago. My boyfriend is so incredibly worried about me. He cares so much. But I'm in so much pain and feel so hopeless. I cannot stand being alive. I hate existing. I've been praying for the day I can die and be at peace. Perhaps I had been even before the day she left us... I just can't bring myself to hurt others, to bring pain to others who care about me by killing myself. I try whatever I can to stay alive, and in extremes I do harm myself. I cut and I hit myself as hard as I can. Sometimes I beat my head with some insane notion that I might erase the bad memories that are in my head. I'm still being destroyed by the memories and thoughts I had last time we split up. I don't want to have these thoughts forever. Not really for my sake, I could care less about myself, but for the family who care about me, I couldn't bear to hurt them. I will live for others as long as I can bear the pain. I'm just worried that the despair will eat at me and eventually get me. I can barely sleep at night anymore. I go to bed staring at the veins in my wrists, thinking about cutting them open. I have dreams at night where I cut my wrists to kill myself. I'm just so miserable. Falling in love has changed me so much... I often feel like I was not meant to be human. I feel like I can relate to other animals much more, but not the people around me.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry for your pain and can relate to atleast how loving and trusting in someone can destroy you emotionally. It is horrible when we allow ourselves to give freely of our love and generousity to only have others abuse it. It makes me question just how much longer I can keep on going. This woman doesn't sound like someone you should waste any more of our caring and love on. You say you hate her but I trust you still find it hard to let go. And not because you still care for her but because she hurt you so deeply. You feel like you need to hang on just to find out why. Why did she does this? Why did you love so much? Why did it happen the way it did? Why did it end the way it did? But you have others in your life that want and need your love and caring. Give it to them. You know that they are not going to abuse it. Turn to your afnily and boyfreind. They want to be there for you so take them up on the offer. I would think your boyfriend needs some support now too. Let him know that he is very important to you and you need him to be a big part of your healing process. Make some new loving memories that are special to just you two. Try to move past this and move on to a journey that doesn't include the pain of this woman. Let her go with the help of your friends and family. You are much stronger than you feel right now. You just need some time and some people to help you regain your strength. Keep osting here so that others can help you through your low times. Hope that you find strength in your boyfriend and keep yourself safe.
     
  3. kevin118

    kevin118 Member

    Thank you very much for all you've said.

    My boyfriend has been very supportive and patient. He's been dealing with everything a lot better than me. That is for sure. He had been together with her for 5 years before they met me. The three of us were together only 2 1/2 years, but it does not feel insignificant to me. I have not been able to reason with myself why one person shouldn't have the power to bring me so much pain... All the feelings of being betrayed and abused(mostly emotionally) seem to linger on inside me.

    This has been the main factor in my longterm depression, although is not the only thing helping to perpetuate my dark state. I've had chronic migraines for years now, that my neurologist seems unable to help me fight off. They've been very bad ever since she left, probably from all the stress. It seems like I have a constant headache all the time. And aside from the migraine aura, I've been seeing other visual hallucinations almost constantly all day. Like I see spots, all the time, as if I stared into a bright light, except I didn't. My eyes are super sensitive all the time, so I'm always wearing sunglasses, even at night. It makes it hard to be cheerful when my world is always dark.

    But I have been looking to find things that bring me joy, and it works sometimes. I just try to hang in there, all the while wishing I could just be at peace and not have to bother with all the noises around me. I wish I could snap myself out of the perspective I'm in. Even on the best of days it's like life is just an annoyance to me. I'm just so sick of all the tedious nonsense. I'm very strong and I'm sure that I am able to handle all the pain. But I feel I've lost the drive in my life. I can't seem to convince myself there is a reason to keep doing everything that I do. Does any of it really matter, to me? Even if there would be certain joy later in my life, would I still really care? Would I even want to bother existing even if I knew good things would still happen? I just don't know. Before I fell in love, I devoted my life to myself, and to constantly bettering myself, both physically and mentally. Now while I have continued that, I found it so much more fulfilling and gave me such a feeling of pride to devote my life to someone I loved. Even the bettering of myself, in my mind became something I was doing for her. Maybe that was my mistake... but I just don't know yet how to convert those feelings towards my boyfriend.. I've been trying to learn music recently, and devote myself to that, but it just does not seem to be enough for me right now. I hope I can eventually find a reason to keep going again. Something that will make me feel empowered again and give me that drive I used to have.

    I'm feeling a little more sensible and reasonable now, but it is always late at night when I'm trying to sleep and often cannot that I feel my most troubled. Especially when I'm forced to notice the empty spot next to my bed where her bed used to be. Where she used to sleep next to me. I wish I could be like other people who can let go of things like this so much more readily and move one. But I just feel so incredibly lost. I'm lost, perhaps never to find myself again... And then what do I do...
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry I couldn't of been more help. But you can vent any time you like. Pm me when ever you need to.
     
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