Not really sure where to go or what to do. I guess I'm looking for a community or someone who understands, or just someone to relate to. I'm 22, and it's been over a year and a half since I developed my suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I guess I'll start with the main factor behind my depression . I am bisexual, though probably leaning a little more on the heterosexual side... 2 and a half years ago, I met a couple, a man and a woman. We experimented sexually. Eventually they fell in love with me and told me so, and I really truly felt the same way. Things went on and our feelings grew for each other. Then she confronted me one night and said that they had started seeing another man as well. I denied my feelings initially, I was a little mad, but relatively easy going. I had always been incredibly laidback and loving of everything life had to offer. Nothing seemed to phase me until then. Maybe a month went by and I just started getting worse, realizing my jealousies more and more. She said she loved me and cared for me, but would also not stop seeing this other man. I started finding her lying to me, coming up with excuses, becoming secretive. I became very depressed and didn't know how to handle things anymore. I decided to leave the relationship. The next 3-4 months were complete hell. It seemed like endless darkness and I began to find more ways to either passively or actively harm myself. Like blindly walking in front of traffic at school, intentionally instigating fights in the hopes someone would harm me so I would not have to be responsible for it myself, but that never happened. I started drinking trying to poison myself, but I always vomitted it up. I tried pills, but puked those up as well when they made me sick enough. I eventually started cutting myself as a way to harm myself. So much self-destructive behavior... at the time I was rationalizing with myself, that all the happiness I felt when I was with her, I did not deserve, like I reached some forbidden joy, and that all the suffering and pain I felt was punishment for that. Once I cut up my body with a razor blade and I saw myself in the mirror with blood all over, I was initially disgusted. But then the next few days I somehow felt better when looking at my scars. As if I found a way to turn my emotional scars into physical ones... I didn't feel fully better, I was still depressed, but I felt a little less suicidal and more in control. A couple weeks later I started being friends with the couple again, in a non-sexual way. They had broken up with and stopped seeing the other man. The man of the couple told me how depressed he had been as well when I was gone, and how incredibly in love with me he is. He comforted me when I told him about my cutting myself. She was distressed over breaking up with the other man, and I comforted her. I was there for her as much as she needed me to be, because I loved her, not because I wanted to be with her or be sexual with her again. I did not want to feel the pain of being hurt again. But either by stupidity or sheer naiveness, she eventually convinced me to get back together with them. To start again with a new outlook and respect for everyone in the relationship. Things were well for a time... Although I always had haunting memories and still do of the pain from the first breakup. I was strong though, and I kept them to myself, and I kept them from interfering with our relationship. After not even a year... she became hostile, secretive, and abusive. During one of her worst freakouts I saved my boyfriend from suicide as I broke down the bathroom door to find him cutting his wrists. After all this she seemed ok, but not perfect, but always telling us that everything is ok, and how much she loves us. Then months later out of the blue she just moves out of the house while we were out to see a movie one night. She never wants to be with us ever again, and will not tell us why. It's been almost two months now... So many memories and thoughts haunt me every day and night, they destroy me. I cried everyday and was almost incapable of doing anything for the first month. I both loved her and hated her. Now I just hate her, and want nothing to do with her. I wish I had never met her. I can't even see or talk to her anymore, last time I just ended up cutting myself again, just to keep from killing myself. That was three weeks ago. My boyfriend is so incredibly worried about me. He cares so much. But I'm in so much pain and feel so hopeless. I cannot stand being alive. I hate existing. I've been praying for the day I can die and be at peace. Perhaps I had been even before the day she left us... I just can't bring myself to hurt others, to bring pain to others who care about me by killing myself. I try whatever I can to stay alive, and in extremes I do harm myself. I cut and I hit myself as hard as I can. Sometimes I beat my head with some insane notion that I might erase the bad memories that are in my head. I'm still being destroyed by the memories and thoughts I had last time we split up. I don't want to have these thoughts forever. Not really for my sake, I could care less about myself, but for the family who care about me, I couldn't bear to hurt them. I will live for others as long as I can bear the pain. I'm just worried that the despair will eat at me and eventually get me. I can barely sleep at night anymore. I go to bed staring at the veins in my wrists, thinking about cutting them open. I have dreams at night where I cut my wrists to kill myself. I'm just so miserable. Falling in love has changed me so much... I often feel like I was not meant to be human. I feel like I can relate to other animals much more, but not the people around me.