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Living in silence

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by betteroffunknown, Feb 13, 2015.

  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    For having been such an outgoing, talkative and 'fun' person it's ironic that I've been given such a violent shove into silence.

    Now I'm terrified to speak up anywhere, but not only that, I simply can't! I'm not allowed!! I was thinking therapy was the one place I was going to be able to, but now I'm even questioning that!

    I grew up in silence, and finally broke free of that five years ago, and now I've been shoved back into it again. Makes me wonder why anyone ever wanted me to speak up in the first place. Some would say it's how it should be, but I'm not convinced it is, at least not for myself anyways.

    I know the effects of silence can be detrimental to me, to some extent anyways, but there's also a part of me that feels really safe in it.

    I'm trying not to be so hot or cold or black or white about this, but until I can get it sorted out in my head when it's safe or healthy to speak up and when it's not, silence is the only alternative. It's sure better than making things worse by attempting to speak up!! It's not like anyone cares that I'm quiet anyways, so I'm not sure why I give this so much sway. But for now, living in silence is the only way!
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    To hell with it all!!!!! I'm done, and if there had been any chance at my learning to be okay with talking it's now shot to hell. I'm cancelling the appt I have scheduled with my therapist next week, and I'm dropping out of all my other activities permanently, too. Don't believe for half a second there's a soul out there who will care at all, either, not one single person!!!!! I HATE, HATE, HATE my life!!!!!!

    Take good care, everyone!!!

  3. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Sorry you feel this way Rhinolady. There is a lot of good people, I think you should reconsider. I do understand the feeling, I don't speak much, i can be days without talking and I still get problems things I say.

    take care *hug
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Do NOT cancel your appt with your therapist because that is the only place you can speak up and be heard ok and not be judged
    Talk it out with your therapist hun don't give in to that mind that says not to
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Rhinolady, I hope you are feeling somewhat better today. I also hope you will go to your therapy session as it can be very beneficial to you :hug:
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing, everyone!

    I'm still inclined to silence being as I am ALWAYS regretting it after I talk at this point (no matter where or to whom I speak). Regret is a powerful motivator for me apparently, so still strongly considering about my therapy appt this week. Their automated deal will call tomorrow so I can confirm the appt, but they make a person call in if they wish to cancel. The appt isn't until Wed, so the jury is still out if I'll take a break this week or not. I'm still feeling pretty inclined to just cancel, but I will certainly keep your words of encouragement in mind!! Thank you for taking the time to share!! :smile-new: