living in the upper layer- is existing enough?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by poisonedresistance, Dec 21, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Ok, I just wanted to get this down before it drifted out of my head.
    I feel like every single day i am living on this upper layer of life, trying my hardest to be unaware of the things and the depth beneathe.
    i know about this depth but i know i can never understand it.
    I feel that if i dont manage to live above this abyss it will eventually encompass me.
    This living above it though is empty. its false. everyones smiles are fake, everyone acts like they care about the world around them but infact are engulfed in the world they have created for themselves.
    I can fit in, but i hate that i do as somtimes i forget that abyss. At that moment it seems like a good thing but in reality im denying the truth.
    I deny the truth because i do not know the truth, i cannot hope to understand it. All I know is this life I am living is not the truth. it is not being alive, merley existing.
    Existing will never be enough for me.
    does anyone else feel the same way? like we live in a false perception of what could be?
     
  2. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I'm not looking forward to Christmas, but my cat doesn't seem to mind it. She doesn't care about others or the self, she doesn't care about truth or lies, about what was or what will be. She just exists. I envy her.
     
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    maybe she is unaware of the abyss
     
  4. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I feel that as soon as I care about something, myself or others, I'm creating my own reality. And as soon I want to discover truth, then that truth is also a reality that I am creating. I ask myself "Who am I?" but in looking for an answer I'm simply creating another reality, so living a lie or living the truth seems meaningless to me.
     
  5. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I feel very similar, litl3r3d. I'm tired of just going through the motions, doing what I need to do just to stay alive. What kind of life is that? I need to feel, create, explore. There's no sense in staying alive from day to day, just surviving and nothing more, until you eventually fall over and die of exhaustion. I refuse to live that way.
     
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    my family live in the upper layer, so much so i need to get away from them. i find it's like talking to brick walls a lot, especially when i'm trying to tell them what they do and how they effect me.
    and i feel violent towards myself when i'm around people like this. it's like they are in their bubbles of denial all the time, and i don't exist, i'm not here, i am invisible.
    when i live in the 'upper layer' as you call it, it's been mainly for survival, it was my ED and the dissociation accompanying that, but in that, i was working with things in the 'abyss' as you put it too but i was struggling with it. that's probably why so many people wanted to do their research projects on me. :dry:
     
  7. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I realy do think youve managed to understand. I may have worded it poorly but i think i got it across correctly.
    when you speak to your family do you find it hard to rise above it all? I think its a natural reaction to cut off from people like us who see the abyss, so as not to be touched by it.
     
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thanks for your reply. yeah, it's like talking to people who don't hear or listen or talk but are drugged up and numb and pursuing every avenue to stay this way. When I'm around people like this when I'm suffering and I'm trying to get people to hear me, I feel physically attacked by their blindness, and I get more ill. This has happened in the past, so I've become invisible.

    I'm good at being their emotional carer though and clearing up their stuff! Because I can see what they are doing, they are pushing everything down and repressing stuff and walking around in blind hazes because they are scared of their feelings and anything to do with 'mental illness that involves open suffering rather than silent suffering' Silent suffering is okay!. But even at my most dissociated in the past, I was also very 'self aware' and 'conscious' too my therapists said. (I'd talk about feelings in a very spaced- out -zombie- mode -disconnected- to -my- body which I think you're describing, the 'upper level'). Maybe you're like this too, because you sound very self aware of what you're doing? Many people aren't. It'd just come out through my struggle to keep myself grounded- that's where I was very aware of how trapped I was with the ED.

    I think loads of people are exactly how you describe. It is what is demanded by the world in which we live, to work, and function where one's emotional, spiritual, physical need for rest, sleep, recovery are pretty much denied by everyone and automatism, anxiety and the dissociation accompanied with that is the norm.
     
  9. Murkury

    Murkury Member

    I think I understand what your talking about but I'm not very good with abstract analogies.
    What do you mean by the 'upper layer of life'?

    I'm in the same boat as you guys. And from what I can find, there are not many of us.


    I would describe it through Plato's analogy of the cave, except a little different.

    Instead of seeing the fire and going outside the cave to reach enlightenment, you go and see the fire and then go outside and there is nothing. Its a barren wasteland. So what do you do? you can't go re-join the others staring at the wall because you know to much. So you sit by the fire and make shadows for the people staring at the wall because there is no other way to interact with them.
    The only other option is to go into the wasteland, but once you do that theres no coming back for good!


    Does this make any sense?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2009
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it's like you're floating to a degree, in a haze, disconnected, going through motions, robotic, no life,
     
  11. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I totally agree there. you feel like your on the outside looking in but the outside isnt the outside its more like a doorway to the outside. the true outside is beyond comprehension.
    I feel like i comunicate with people on the 'upper level' almost as though i were shouting to them through frosted glass. they can hear me but because there is no facial recognition my words are lost.
     
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yes, it's like 'the sounds of silence'
    people communicating with each other for a second, that connection disappearing rather than making anything lasting. also people basically dissolving with that type of contact. it's fucking soul destroying and in my case really traumatic, i can go into crisis states being around such people when i'm trying to let them know serious things about myself that i don't usually reveal. that's why i'm really careful as to who i let into my life. they have to know the meaning of truth
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2009
  13. Murkury

    Murkury Member

    I understand. I'm in this realm as well.

    At least I know there are others. Albeit on the other side of the world.
     
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    they are around you too.. watch closely. i can immediately spot people who have that glazed look about their eyes and/or have a flat effect. :mellow: they are everywhere. :mellow:
     
  15. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    Sorry. Posted by mistake.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2009
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    ---okay your message disappeared :mellow:. I'll delete mine too.
     
  17. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I speak, yet there's nothing to say. It's foolish of me, but I still do it. Odd.
     
  18. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I saw both of your posts before you deleted them, and I thought they were spot-on. I've been struggling with this question- why don't I want to get better? I'm averse to taking meds and getting effective therapy. The former, at least, I can defend in terms of my opposition to psychiatry in general. But why wouldn't I want to be happy, to be free from this depression?

    And after reading this thread, the answer hits me: because this is the only way I'm truly alive. I feel things so clearly and so powerfully. Even though it hurts and sometimes makes me want to die, that just proves that it's real. This is who I am, and it's something I'm not willing to give up so easily.
     
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Ziggy- you said a lot, rather than nothing.
     
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Do you feel that without depression, you'll feel numb and dead? What you wrote reminds me of the reasons some people stick with self harming. It's contact, some kind of contact- contact with a blade in that case that can make some people feel alive, clear headed, and in touch with their body. But you also see depression as something that defines you.

    Depression for me, isn't about feeling low, it's very much trauma related and it's horrific, rather than spiritually enlightening. So it's not something I cling to.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.