Living is Getting Harder and Harder

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Starr.Child, Jan 15, 2015.

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  1. Starr.Child

    Starr.Child Member

    Life lately has been almost unbearable.

    I'm mad every morning when I wake up simply because I woke up.

    I don't think anything will ever get better for me and I KNOW suicide is the only way out of this mess.

    It's really scary to me how much suicide has been in my head lately. I have several different methods to choose from and have begun making the appropriate arrangements. I typed a suicide note and left it on my desk top because I know the first thing people will wanna do is go through my laptop to find out what drove me to suicide.

    These feelings are really scary.

    Does it get better? Will I look back on this one day and see how foolish I have been?
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum.

    Please remain calm and DO NOT ACT on your thoughts. You are important and keep remembering that. You need to expand why you feel like this. If you are afraid, then please PM me and we can talk in private.

    You are going through emotional turmoil and remember you are not alone. Others who join the forum have come through what you are going through. Please keep posting and do not be afraid asking for help. Remember it's okay to cry as that will help you release the emotions. Take Care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2015
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Really sorry to hear what you have been going through. If I were you I'd delete that note you wrote as it will only be a constant reminder. I know it is scary but please try and get some professional help for your thoughts. I hope one day you WILL look back on this and think ''oh my how did it get so bad''.
    I am living proof that it does get better, I am depression free :) I truly hope you can see the light :hug:
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Why don't you talk to us about what has driven you to feel this way? Have you sought any professional help for your thoughts and feelings? If you get the right help and support, you can get better and one day you will look back and think "I made the right decision not to end my life".
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Despite the way we feel when in our lowest moments, most things in life are a choice. We arrive in places by choices- good or bad - our fault or somebody else fault--- and we get out of those places based on choices. While you have not detailed the issues that you say you know make suicide the only way to fix it , I have heard that a lot of times and felt that way myself as well and it was incorrect. When really low and deeply depressed energy to change things is very hard to come by, and using what small amounts of energy that you have to focus on the negative of writing suicide notes and researching methods is simply making another hour or another day go by where nothing was done that could help change things for the better.

    I am glad you found us here- that can be a positive if it you choose to let it be and and look for ways to feel better and draw on experiences of people that are there, or have been there, in that really dark place, to see that things can change if you start to make different choices.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  6. Starr.Child

    Starr.Child Member

    I have gotten professional help before in the past when I was severely depressed but it seems like all they wanted to do was put me on all kinds of medication and treat me like I was crazy rather than trying to understand what was bothering me. I am seeing a therapist right now but yesterday when I refused medication it's like she can't be bothered anymore. Like, I am just wasting her time. I mean, I'm not just some crazy girl that's losing my mind for no reason. Things are going on in my life that are making me hurt like this.

    It seems like everything is piling up. It's become way too much. I'm tired of being so sad. :(
  7. Starr.Child

    Starr.Child Member

    I feel like I can't delete it. I've tried deleting it and pretending like everything will be okay but I am only fooling myself. When I did delete it I just ended up removing it from the recycling bin. Now throughout the day I just change things in it. It would help if I had someone here for me just to talk to me but I don't. I'm alone. That letter almost makes me feel like I'm not alone. Maybe in a way it is a way for me to vent and get everything out.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again,

    Have you tried writing nice and positive notes? Write out on cardboard some nice phrases, lines from a song, motivation quotes etc.. and put them where you will see then, on a wall or on the fridge door etc.. having the suicide note around is going to make you feel a hell of a lot worse. I know it is hard. Keep talking to us here. You are not alone here. :hug:
  9. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just curious, but why do you refuse medication and why does offering medication mean that they are treating you like you are crazy or do not believe that you have real problems in your life?

    If a dr gives me a pain med for my broken arm because it hurts a lot does not mean he does not think i have a broken arm, and if i refuse to take it because I read it can cause ulcers stomach bleeding and in rare instances a fatal allergic reaction and death then when i call and complain my arm still hurts what is he supposed to do?

    Meds help you cope with the pain so that you have enough strength and energy to work on the things or make changes that fix the problems....
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2015
  10. Starr.Child

    Starr.Child Member

    Because I have been on medication for depression before and they never work for me. I usually end up walking around in a daze or sleeping constantly because that's just the way my body handles them. A Dr. putting me on medication isn't what makes me feel like they are treating me like I am crazy. Really the only form of treatment that has helped me is talking to a psychologist that really listens and helps get to the root of why I am feeling the way I am and helps me with other coping skills rather than self harming. Medication does work for some and is a wonderful thing but it isn't for everyone.

    It's strange because this morning I spoke to a couple of the other mother's at the bus stop after I sent my kid off to school and I came home feeling so much better. I am still depressed and still getting lost in my mind but talking to people that can actually relate helps so so much. I usually come home, get in bed, and sleep until the school day ends but today I actually came home, cleaned up, listened to music, and even did my makeup for the first time in weeks. It felt good.

    I am one of those people that keeps everything in and doesn't let people know how I am feeling which is why I end up like this; I just let it eat away at me.
  11. Starr.Child

    Starr.Child Member

    That's a good idea; writing positive things. I am going to give it a try. I am willing to try anything. I know I can't delete the note just yet but I think I'll put it into a folder where I don't have to see it every time I open my laptop.
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