Living is Worse

[Always Hopeless]

A lot of bad things have happened to me all my life. It was always more bad than good. But there was some good. I've wished to die and be put out of my misery since I was a child. But I always recovered and had hope. Maybe I'm thinking better about my past than it really was because of how bad my life is now. I don't know. I wish I could go back and change things so that my life would be better. That's impossible.

I don't see my life as something I can keep going though. I don't have the strength to keep living. After all the bad things in my life - forced to leave my home country with better opportunities and my friends, disowned by my family, losing my hopes and dreams and living in poverty while being treated like garbage everywhere I go. Seeing almost everyone I knew having happy, successful lives....I can't stand the thoughts that I could have had those things too, but this world is determined to beat me down no matter how hard I work.

I was ripped away from my home, my family, my friends and my life only to exist as a broken person. Yes, there are people who care about me, would miss me and don't want me to die. There are only 3. But the sadness, misery and wishing for my old life that I'll never get back is too much for me to live with.

When I finally fall asleep after crying myself to sleep I get some peace from this world (as long as I don't have nightmares which is very rare), I wake up and remember that this is my life now and I just want to die. I cannot handle it. Not physically, mentally. I have no more hope. I'm hanging on by.....I don't even know. By my best friend I've ever had in the world telling me she needs me.

 

[KindaOtiose]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that, you didn't deserve it. I read your post, and what you had to go through sounds incredibly tough. It's really excellent that you are hanging on to your loved ones to help you fight through. I hope things can look up for you soon. Sending hugs .

 

[MisterBGone]

"There are only 3."

Well, that's three more than me! . . : )

In all seriousness, though & sincerity; maybe you've been put through this in order to survive. To survive that which would've wrecked lesser more mortal souls? (Why!) In order to become a doctor (or whatever else): & then be able to put all these mechanisms of which you've persevered & endured, to good use. That is, helping others, who may be in similar shoes as to you - or the ones in which you're standing in & wearing now. . . :^) I don't know, it just seems to me that there has got to be some-thing more for you! I really do believe this, in my heart & in my soul- (this is not just, 'writing nice to make somebody feel better!') - it is the TRUTH! (as I see it..) peace & good luck_ I'll be rooting you on, as will others...

 

[Always Hopeless]

I can't live for someone else. You're not supposed to live just because other people want you to. You're supposed to live because you want to and because you like your life.

 

[Always Hopeless]

"There are only 3."

Well, that's three more than me! . . : )

In all seriousness, though & sincerity; maybe you've been put through this in order to survive. To survive that which would've wrecked lesser more mortal souls? (Why!) In order to become a doctor (or whatever else): & then be able to put all these mechanisms of which you've persevered & endured, to good use. That is, helping others, who may be in similar shoes as to you - or the ones in which you're standing in & wearing now. . . :^) I don't know, it just seems to me that there has got to be some-thing more for you! I really do believe this, in my heart & in my soul- (this is not just, 'writing nice to make somebody feel better!') - it is the TRUTH! (as I see it..) peace & good luck_ I'll be rooting you on, as will others...

I begging life for what you wrote. That's what I've been reduced to in this despair. All I can do is beg life for my turn.

 

[MisterBGone]

I can't live for someone else. You're not supposed to live just because other people want you to. You're supposed to live because you want to and because you like your life.

I know exactly what you mean, or how that feels. The way in which you're describing what it is that you're describing sounds just like me (& I'm going to be picking these age ranges somewhat approximately) from 25-35. I believe your best friend. Just try to imagine if the roles - or the situation - were reversed. . . Not that-that changes a lot, or makes much difference in the immediate moment, other than to perhaps offer an alternative point of view.

I was in essence, or essentially, living for my Parents FOR EVER. And during this phase, or stage... whatever you want to call it? It was nothing short of Hell of Earth. As I was living at home for various points & time, and so that only served to make everything that much worse, given that they--with their glorious doctorate degrees, could not wrap their minds around the diseased & damaged mind, or brain. And that's the thing you've got to keep in mind, here @Always Hopeless - that this is a biological, medical condition. I understand that there's a bit more, "flavor" sprinkled in with environment and such. But the end result of this crippling thing is still the same. And maybe sometime in our lifetimes, they will come up with a better way to if not solve, than help somewhat temporarily fix, or manage the symptoms that accompany so many of our conditions/&- or diagnoses.

Again, I am truly sorry that you are hurting so greatly, and that you feel as though you've been reduced to this: "despair." That's a great (or 'perfect,') word to describe it, isn't it... Who knows, maybe given your state of such, it is hard to see & formulate an appropriate or objective opinion on your outlook for life? I heard a quote recently, and while not entirely applicable, I'll share it with you as best I can remember; "Our minds influence our reality. If we change our minds, we (can) change our reality." Now, I know that sounds a little, "Pie-in-the-sky!" And isn't really aimed, or geared necessarily at what we're talking about, and dealing with here. That is, something so severe (deep, whatever-). but, nonetheless~ I (do) think the point (they were trying to make) was a valid one, or has some degree of validity to it.

 

[KindaOtiose]

I can't live for someone else. You're not supposed to live just because other people want you to. You're supposed to live because you want to and because you like your life.

This is true - you should want to live. And you can get there, but in the meantime, it can be useful to try and stick around for other people.

What treatment for depression have you tried before?

 

[johnDoen]

Let me apologize for kept spamming advice in your other thread. I didn't realize that thread is meant for empathy.

A lot of bad things have happened to me all my life. It was always more bad than good. But there was some good. I've wished to die and be put out of my misery since I was a child. But I always recovered and had hope. Maybe I'm thinking better about my past than it really was because of how bad my life is now. I don't know. I wish I could go back and change things so that my life would be better. That's impossible.

I don't see my life as something I can keep going though. I don't have the strength to keep living. After all the bad things in my life - forced to leave my home country with better opportunities and my friends, disowned by my family, losing my hopes and dreams and living in poverty while being treated like garbage everywhere I go. Seeing almost everyone I knew having happy, successful lives....I can't stand the thoughts that I could have had those things too, but this world is determined to beat me down no matter how hard I work.

I was ripped away from my home, my family, my friends and my life only to exist as a broken person. Yes, there are people who care about me, would miss me and don't want me to die. There are only 3. But the sadness, misery and wishing for my old life that I'll never get back is too much for me to live with.

When I finally fall asleep after crying myself to sleep I get some peace from this world (as long as I don't have nightmares which is very rare), I wake up and remember that this is my life now and I just want to die. I cannot handle it. Not physically, mentally. I have no more hope. I'm hanging on by.....I don't even know. By my best friend I've ever had in the world telling me she needs me.

3 is enough, for a spark of light in the midst of darkness is enough to shine the path. You are strong for taking the steps into that path while the darkness constantly put you down into various bottoms in life. So take a rest, cry as much as you need - crying is meant to release yourself for a little bit, and remember that we are here for you - so everything may be a bit more closer to possible.

 

[Always Hopeless]

This is true - you should want to live. And you can get there, but in the meantime, it can be useful to try and stick around for other people.

What treatment for depression have you tried before?

You don't know that I can get there. I'm sick of people saying empty words like that. Because that's all they are. That means nothing to me. If you think I have some kind of way to keep going then you haven't read or understood anything I've written here. In the meantime? In the meantime I continue to live in absolute misery and despair....for other people? Just so other people can be happy? What about me?

There's only one thing that can help me get better. If that doesn't work I truly believe I won't be able to keep living. No, I don't want to have to die. But I cannot live with this pain. That is why living is worse.

I'm not interested in treatment. I can't afford it even if I wanted it.

I know you're trying to help, but when someone is this low in their life, superficial words of encouragement that everyone throws around mean nothing.

 

[Ash600]

I can't live for someone else. You're not supposed to live just because other people want you to. You're supposed to live because you want to and because you like your life.

Words which I totally connect with, for what it's worth.

 

[KindaOtiose]

You don't know that I can get there.

That's why "can" implies a possibility, not a guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed in life. However, what I do know is there are people here who felt the same way you do right now, but have gotten to a much better place.

I'm not interested in treatment. I can't afford it even if I wanted it.

Why aren't you interested in treatment? Is it just because you can't afford it or is there something else stopping you from seeking help, because depending on where you live you might be able to access it for free.

I know you're trying to help, but when someone is this low in their life, superficial words of encouragement that everyone throws around mean nothing.

If you think I have some kind of way to keep going then you haven't read or understood anything I've written here. In the meantime? In the meantime I continue to live in absolute misery and despair....for other people? Just so other people can be happy? What about me?

Didn't you say in the meantime you were hanging around for your friend? It's not a perfect solution, and I'm sorry you have nothing better, but hanging on to people that you love might help you fight through. I'm sorry my words didn't help you, I'm just trying to provide some hope, because that helps a lot of people fight through their darkest hour, onto better pastures, which I know a lot of people can reach.

 

[MisterBGone]

I begging life for what you wrote. That's what I've been reduced to in this despair. All I can do is beg life for my turn.

I'm sorry... I may have, misread what you'd said! So, please just do your best to forget all that gibberish I'd wrote.

 

[Always Hopeless]

That's why "can" implies a possibility, not a guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed in life. However, what I do know is there are people here who felt the same way you do right now, but have gotten to a much better place.



Why aren't you interested in treatment? Is it just because you can't afford it or is there something else stopping you from seeking help, because depending on where you live you might be able to access it for free.





Didn't you say in the meantime you were hanging around for your friend? It's not a perfect solution, and I'm sorry you have nothing better, but hanging on to people that you love might help you fight through. I'm sorry my words didn't help you, I'm just trying to provide some hope, because that helps a lot of people fight through their darkest hour, onto better pastures, which I know a lot of people can reach.

I posted in the empathy only section because I don't want advice, judgement or people ignoring everything I write by trying to give me hope when I am saying I am hopeless. Don't you think I've tried everything? I write in this section for understanding. Not for people to pick apart and judge every sentence.

 

[Always Hopeless]

What's the point in an "Empathy Only" section if people are just going to keep trying to solve my problems?

I post in here for understanding. That's it. Not judgement for being suicidal. If I want advice I'll post in a section that asks for it. Good for everyone else who has been here and recovered. That really fucking makes me feel better because all our problems are the same, yes? No.

 

[Always Hopeless]

I'm sorry... I may have, misread what you'd said! So, please just do your best to forget all that gibberish I'd wrote.

You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Always Hopeless]

That's why "can" implies a possibility, not a guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed in life. However, what I do know is there are people here who felt the same way you do right now, but have gotten to a much better place.



Why aren't you interested in treatment? Is it just because you can't afford it or is there something else stopping you from seeking help, because depending on where you live you might be able to access it for free.





Didn't you say in the meantime you were hanging around for your friend? It's not a perfect solution, and I'm sorry you have nothing better, but hanging on to people that you love might help you fight through. I'm sorry my words didn't help you, I'm just trying to provide some hope, because that helps a lot of people fight through their darkest hour, onto better pastures, which I know a lot of people can reach.

I don't want to be mean and I don't want you to feel bad. Don't feel like you can't write anything on a topic I post. Just please understand where I'm coming from. Please try to understand what I'm saying. I'm frustrated and angry beyond anything.

 

[Ash600]

At times I find, including around here, that one's best intentions or hopes for another can override what it is that person wants. That being just to be heard, or just to vent, to be able to express themselves.
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of listening and waiting to reply, instead of listening and trying to understand.

 

[Always Hopeless]

At times I find, including around here, that one's best intentions or hopes for another can override what it is that person wants. That being just to be heard, or just to vent, to be able to express themselves.
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of listening and waiting to reply, instead of listening and trying to understand.

The judgement and picking apart every paragraph makes me feel like shit and I want to kill myself even more. It's the same as all the times I was bullied and abused at work, home, school and everyone ignoring it as if it's what I deserve. I had nightmares about the bully from grad school again last night. I feel disgusting. I just want it all to be over now.

 

[Ash600]

The judgement and picking apart every paragraph makes me feel like shit and I want to kill myself even more. It's the same as all the times I was bullied and abused at work, home, school and everyone ignoring it as if it's what I deserve. I had nightmares about the bully from grad school again last night. I feel disgusting. I just want it all to be over now.

Sorry that you were made to feel so uncomfortable that it's driven you to such a low point, and that it's brought back dark moments from your past. Just hope the intensity of those emotions you are currently feeling will soon or somehow reduce for you.

 

[Wispiwill]

I don't judge you for wanting to die. There are times when I'm surprised I'm still around - and ashamed of it. I feel like a failure because I'm still here. People say that it takes strength to carry on but I don't feel like that at all.

I don't know the details of your life but it sounds like you've had a hard time. I can understand hating having to live in pain. I can understand not wanting to see that stretched out in front of you - day after day after day.

No judgement from me. No answers (I have none to give anyway). Only sympathy. I won't even wish for it to get better because we both know that's not how it works.

I am sorry.