Living life knowing you tried to end it

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Heizenburg, May 22, 2012.

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  1. Heizenburg

    Heizenburg Member

    I am in a quandry. I failed at suicide and will never know if I was actually going to go through with it. I drove a car at the height of my mental illness, down south and was heading for a well known cliff. I was pulled over by the police as the car was totally illegal in every way. I was actually releived at the time, as 150 miles of suicidal thinking and not enough petrol to get back home would have made me go through with it, I am quite sure of that. Its just that I never knew how I would actually go about it. I would imagine I would have parked up, and ran at full speed and fallen to my death.

    The thing is, I know I was mentally ill, but I still beleive a lot of the stuff that was happening, really did happen. The stuff that landed me in hospital; I still think its true, which one of my friends finds extremely difficult to come to terms with as I told him the other day that I still beleived BBC Radio 2 were somehow all in contact with me using what I dubbed the SORF loop (Satalite Observation Radio Feedback). Somehow, subtle comments, and some not so subtle comments that would have left the rest of the BBC audience confused, were commenting on my life, and they were receiving inforation from satelite camera's and the microphone on my mobile phone. I still beleive the radio 2 stuff happened as I had concrete evidence. Well, not concrete, but an incident happened that confirmed this rather odd relationship I had with the Radio 2 team.

    I was at the height of "madness", when I was receiving messages from Janice long at midnight on Radio 2, and these messages took me out of the house on a walk with my radio in earphones. From her strange clues and the subject she started to discuss (angles of reflection and refraction that refered in my mind to the road layout)

    Now, your probably thinking I showed signs of severe psychosis, which is my diagnosis, but the whole point of the radio 2 stuff was, and I am not sure about this, but it was a method of secret social service in a delicate matter. These messages or directions bought me about 1/4 a mile from my house at 1 in the morning, when suddenly, my therapist from when I lived in Bristol roled up in her car. Of course, by this point I knew that the Radio 2 stuff was not aimed at me but at my previous therapist as well, and they had bought us together at this obscure time, 90 miles from where she is from. I froze, looked like a complete weirdo, and she rolled off down the hill. My theory is that this was all very dodgy stuff to be going on and she bottled it based on my response.

    Now I am working, still suicidal and wondering what the heck happened. The radio 2 stuff stopped I think.

    Every day I think about suicide still, and its just not healthy. It affects every decision I make for the worse. I have no resolve to budget or look to the future, and I am horribly alone.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun mental illness takes us to some very dark places i am glad the police were able to be there that night for you Just know hun you are not alone now okay You keep talking here to us hugs
  3. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    Do you have a psychiatrist? Medication? If not, please consider it. I have bipolar and haven't been truly suicidal since July of last year. My medication and other treatments have really helped me with suicidal ideation. Please see a doctor.
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    My way of handling the experience was to initially accept it. Not relive it, or glorify it, or beat myself up because it didn't work.... I just said to myself, "hey! it wasn't supposed to end this way..." And sort of treated my life as a rebirth of sorts insofar as a renewed energy and enthusiasm for daily comings and goings. However, I will stress that I was lucky, not only to have such a non-destructive point of view, but also to share the singular support from the greatest friend I ever had. Had I not had her, I don't know that I'd have been able to be so happy to be alive.
  5. Heizenburg

    Heizenburg Member

    Thanks for the replies people. Yes I am on medication AnnieInside, reluctantly - As I still believe external reality was strange and altered, not that I was purely just ill. I would never tell a doctor I was suicidal as they have the power to take that choice away, and I need that option in the background.
  6. skyway

    skyway New Member

    Heizenburg I hear you "I would never tell a doctor I was suicidal as they have the power to take that choice away, and I need that option in the background." I just had a discussion with a friend two weeks ago where I revealed too much info and am now "forced" to seek additional help.

    In regards to the original post I am 98% sure my mental illness caused a head on collision with my car adn a dump truck - many many fractures and am still recovering and having surgeries - the hardest part is that 2% of that it could have just been an accident - how do you accept/get help when you don't even know if you did it?
  7. Heizenburg

    Heizenburg Member

    That does sound hard, if you don't know if you did it or not. I would assume that you didn't and that it was an accident. I could never do that as the one thing in life I do enjoy is driving, and I wont wont to go so long as I am behind the wheel. Added to that, cars are safer than you think. I do hope you make a full recovery.

    All the best,

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