Living to keep others happy

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Give_me_a_reason, May 22, 2014.

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  1. Hi all - this is my first post so apologies if I place this thread in the wrong forum.

    I'm a 43 year old guy, divorced for a few years (civil with the ex so that's a bonus I guess) and I have been suffering from severe depression for most of my life. I've been single for a while now as I don't seem to get into situations where I meet women, which has added a lot to my feelings of loneliness and depression. I had a good job until a few weeks ago, when my employer decided to make me redundant. It has made me very anxious and scared about the future and my depression has taken a turn for the worse.

    This week I had my two boys (who are with me half of the time). It costs me all the energy in the world to be positive to them and be a good dad, but as soon as they leave I crash and burn. I start drinking at 9am and don't finish until I go to bed. I think about suicide a lot, as I personally don't have much to live for. Which brings me to the subject of this post..... I feel my life is a constant struggle, a continuous nightmare, I don't feel happiness, I don't feel joy, I don't feel I have nothing to live for. The only reason I've not taken the thought of suicide any further is the pain it would suffer for my kids and my mother (my father, my 'rock in life' died last year). It feels so cruel to have to endure my pain of depression and loneliness just so that others don't suffer should I put an end to everything.

    I've read many posts about depression and suicide. Not that I'm an expert, but just to avoid the obvious replies:
    * My mother has had severe depression all her life and is on a disability pension because of it. Talking to her about it results in a guilt trip about how it would affect her and she then comes into my house to clean and manage every second of my life, which makes me feel even more of a loser.
    * Yes, I do have a Psychiatrist and had different ones for the last 10 years. Just the word 'suicide' results in pushing me to go to a mental hospital, which will only create more issues for my environment
    * Yes, I have medication. 150mg Cymbalta, 150mg Seroquel and 60mg Lyrica and 10mg Valium. The Valium I hardly take because I don't want to mix it with alcohol.
    * Yes, I do have friends and I go out and about. But even the best friends can't help me in my situation and continuously talking about how I feel tends to destroy friendships (if you can call the that).

    Compared to some other threads my life must not seem that bad and I should have a lot of things to be thankful for. I have 2 healthy beautiful boys, a nice house, I live in a beautiful country (Australia) and financially secure (sort of). My mind knows it, but my soul is empty, miserable and I have this overwhelming sense of suffering.

    Why should I continue to live only to keep others from suffering? What kind of misplaced kindness is that?

    Apologies if it all seems a bit disjointed, but that's probably because currently all my emotions and thoughts are in a blender at maximum speed....

    Thanks for reading

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Vince i think if you could get help to stop the drinking that in itself will slow down the cycle of depression alcohol is a depressant and when you get help to stop the drinking then you will be able to take you medication and have them be affective Your problems are just important ok so don't belittle them depression takes so much away from us and i too exist for my family Hold on to your sons ok just hold onto their love and get yourself some help some therapy to get you stable so you can enjoy their love and enjoy life with them
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