Living w/guilt, never doing drugs!!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by whoamiboo, Aug 5, 2013.

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  1. whoamiboo

    whoamiboo Active Member

    I know this subject seems weird but its how I feel.... My story goes like this:
    During the ages of 13-17, I had a best friend get addicted to heroine. She and I were inseparable we did everything together except for drugs. In my lifetime I really never understood why I never took a drug or tried any. I often think to myself if it was because I saw the pain in her when doing drugs that I could never muster up the courage to engage in that behavior. She was an addict at the age of 13 all the way to 17 when the heroine took her life. I sit here with her suicide letter before me reading and re-reading her words to me. "Why did you not even try (drugs)? Why accept me for the druggie I've become around you?" Honestly, I don't have answers. I know deep in my heart she was my first true love. We were young but in love. The guilt I feel inside 20 years later still haunts me. Questions in my mind often fill my thoughts what if I followed her druggie ways? Would I be in the grave too? The answers are unknown but what I do know is that I am empty w/o her. It has been 20 years since her death this month and still I often wonder if I did drugs I could relate to why she allowed them to come between us. Yes, after all these years I still feel guilty for her death and for never touching a drug in my life!!!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes hun you would have also succumb to the drug it would have taken not one but both of you away. You saw her pain and stayed by her side you have nothing to be guilty for hun
    iam sorry you lost your freind at such a young age hugs to you
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    You never think it'll run your life, but it always does. I thought I'd be able to control it when I first tried it, and honestly for a while I wasn't really that bad. I stayed clean by my own free will without any outside help for a few months, just because I got sick of doing it and it stopped being fun. And there was my proof that I could stop whenever I wanted.

    Yeah, not so much...

    After those few months, when something horrible happened and I couldn't deal with it, guess what the first thing I thought of was? Heroin. It was embedded in my brain and I didn't even know it. Suddenly I remembered the feeling I got when I did it and I missed it because I wanted to numb what I felt. And from there on out, I got worse and worse until it was plainly obvious that I had no control over it whatsoever and it was the only way I knew how to deal with anything anymore.

    The only way you can control a drug is not doing it in the first place. If you do, you will find yourself screwed at one point or another. It never fails.
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