I keep thinking about killing myself. I've thoroughly planned out and researched several methods. I've started self harming and I'm scared. I get this fear that I feel this is the only way out and I just want an end to my misery. It's not like I have children, a partner or much family. I lost touch with my friends and I don't know that if I died they would even find out anyway. I'm finding it really hard to leave the flat but i have been doing some decorating. It makes me feel better but then I think I am just doing it so it looks nice for when I die! For when someone finds me etc! So that they don't see what an absolute s***hole we actually live in!!! I went to see the doctor today and I'm not sure if I wanted her to know how bad things were mentally or not. She didn't ask me anyway so I got away with that. I did have the crisis team called on me about a month ago by a different doctor. She was really worried about me and was helping I thought but then it all got really intense. She kept pushing me along and telling me to just live with the pain (chronic pain). I don't want to live like this. And I don't wish to participate in society.