Living with your abuser, only way out....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetJane88, Nov 27, 2011.

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  1. SweetJane88

    SweetJane88 Member

    You already know. this is my first time posting here, but i've lurked on and off. Over the last week I have admitted (or at least "accepted") teh cruel truth: my mother has abused me all my life. She is emotionally abusive and I am now 99.9% sure she has Narcisstic PD and histronic. Ofc her being a single mom, I have had no other means of care-taking but her. If you read about NPD mothers, you'll begin to understand the abuse and torment she has put me through for no fucking reason. And besides all taht, she has generally created a dangerous and abusive environment for me that I have never had the means or sanity to escape. You see now i have been diagnosed with borderline pd and bipolar thanks to my parents shit genetics. i understand why i could be borderline, but being bipolar on top of this is JUST NOT FAIR. It really isn't. So if you are aware of those disorders, you will understand that since the day i realize I existed (age 3), I have hated my life and wanted off this planet. I wish I would've called CPS on her when I was 9, I should've listened to myself. I'd rather take the horrors of foster care than have to live with my bio mother who treats her own daughter like a year-long afterthought. So you see, I have prayed and prayed for her death. Sometimes I even was even so hurt by her abuse that I would fantasize about retaliated. But no, I'm such a good-hearted person that I'd rather kill myself than hurt my own abuser. at least i know i have a heart that selfish, evil bitch.

    I've waited and waited. Finally at 23, I may have an escape plan but i have no where to go and no money. Maybe i'll just become a ***** on the street and get HIV, at least death will come for me by someone else's hands.

    But My Plan B is looking more appealing by the day and at least I'd hurt her the way she has hurt me...but she's NPD so she wouldnt give a fuck anyway.
     
  2. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain. I really do. I'm also Borderline. I don't have Bipolar, but I have severe social anxiety. But Borderline PD is probably the most misunderstood personality disorder there is out there, and it's also one of the worst. But I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and you can always keep trying DBT therapy to help with BPD. How does it affect you specifically?
     
  3. SweetJane88

    SweetJane88 Member

    i haven't paid my dr.s or seen my therapist because the fucking bitch doesn't care. she doesn't evne provide me enough $$ to feed myself through the weeks (never cooks or grocery shops. ive been on my "own" since i was like 8). you see i am not sane, nor stable. i had to quit my last job Spring '10 because i felt depression episode coming on and i havent recovered since. both my borderline and BP basically debilitate me and that is not an exaggeration. i realized that i can't function these days because everyday she triggers me. she does not stop abusing me after 23 years and being an adult, you think she'd get a grip. she is NPD its called infantalism and gaslighting. it has made me CRAZY. have you ever met someone so evil and insane that it made YOU CRAZY? you know how I know it's not me, my father tried to kill her 3x. 3x. Now I know why andI wish he would've succeeded had i known she'd still abuse me to this day. but you see my point is that she's such a fail of a parent, that she doesn't try to see me "recover" from my illnesses therefor i will never afford the resources to do something like DBT nor have i paid my pdocs copay for the last 6 visits. i'm better off dead at this point.
     
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well since you don't have the funds right now, there are always some things online that you can look at. The first site I know has worksheets that you can print out and work on.

    http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
    http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/
    http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php

    If you ever do get the chance though, some good books to look at would be Marsha Linehan's "Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder" as well as the skills training manual workbook that goes with it. I was recommended these books by my psychiatrist but haven't bought them yet because they're a bit pricey, but just wanted to put it out there that if you ever do get the chance to get them, you should. Also, I personally read this book...I believe it's like $15 if you want to buy it or free if you want to go to the library and take it out. It's a non-fiction book about a woman's personal struggles with BPD. It's called "Get me out of here: My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder" by Rachel Reiland. Or you can just go visit your local bookstore and check out the psychology or self-help section and pick out something you think would be helpful for you. You don't necessarily have to buy anything either, you can just sit and read a little. Or like I mentioned before, maybe go to a library and do the same, and it'll be free.

    I quit like 5 different jobs because of my issues that I still haven't really figured out how to deal with. So, I know how that is. If you're not ready to try out a job, just focus on your health and try to get better first. I certainly wouldn't think you're exaggerating because I know what BPD is very well and it really is the worst. And yes, I have met someone that evil. And she, too, lives with me.
     
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