I had a good day today, one where I felt the world was looking up. I flirted with a guy friend but then I imagined what it would be like if he kissed me and touched me like the couples who kiss in the rain in all of those movies and I suddered at the thought. I can't hug someone without cringing, especially lately. I'm sitting outside a church right now, it feels beautiful but I just feel hideous and alone. Lost is really more like it. The way the sun is shining on me reminds me of when I was younger, it was after the abuse, but I still remember warm, Spring moments where I felt whole, which wasn't often, and then darkness would take hold once again and I felt as if I were locked inside my mind. Why do I even exist? That thought shouldn't be thought when a child is four. Never. It's funny, I feel so exposed but no one could even guess what was going through my mind then and even now. Why did he have to take advantage? Why didn't she see? Both of them had been molested as well, why did they continue the cycle? Should I exist?