Locked in with no way out

well i am about as low as i can go tonite
much lower and I won't be here again
went to see a phystri. yesteday afternoon
his first words were "as you know, it is really hard to get help now a days"
now that was encouraging!!
next words....... no new meds. so u can't take anything
next words...... even though u are allergic to sleeping pills u need sleep so take these
and then he gives me a bottle of 120 sleeping pills
no hope is what i got from that visit
so this afternoon i sat in my corner
torn in half
feels like I am sitting on a fence
not sure which way I will fall
there are no outpatient workshops in my town
there is nothing
the nearest city to me closed up the mental health unit
government cut backs
i feel so numb
so uselsss
i don't want to see any more real people
it hurts
i cry feels like no one understands
get over some think
to that i reply then fix my brain
fix the chemical inbalance
but the pills i need to take to fix it with I can't take
how far can i reach out
i try to find a crack, anything, a small crack
anything that I cld look through
but I can't
there is nothing there
every corner i go round
every step i take
just new doors go up
i'm locked in
and im getting tired again

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

I am sorry you are going through the things you are going through. :hug:

 

Sorry to see you feeling do down - and hard to believe the psych unit is closed down! I guess its up to people like us to stay alive so we can fight this sort of thing when we feel a little bit better.

As for the meds not working - are you sure you've taken every med out there? There are quite a few - and each med has different effects at varying doses. Some iwll not work at low doses - other times people might take a couple of meds to balance things out. It can take a whilst and its best to keep a diary with respect to how you feel. I've not filled mine in for a week so will attend to that after writing here.

Meds might not help some people - I've not used meds up until very recently and I guess various things I did, interests I had, kept me going.

I've got lots of various interests - music, reading, writing, plus the 'geek' stuff such as coding various languages - not done that for a while, but used to be a bit of a passion.

Walking, some basic exercising - I always find that I feel better mentally when I'm active physically. Maybe you would feel a bit better after a nice long walk also?

One good thing is that you have this forum to pour out a few emotions instead of just keeping them in! You can share your frustration at life and find people who empathise because depression does make you interpret life in a negative sense at times.

Try to busy yourself - and always have things lined up to do - even if its just a hobby of sorts.

What about your family in all this? Do they not take depression seriously? If so, anything negative they say is more out of ignorance than cruelty.

As for the sleeping pills - it would help if we knew what they were.

Hope you are feeling a little better reading this - your not alone in what you feel and how you deal with this depression is something that will have a lot of impact on how it develops.

Don't keep it to yourself - and share some of the reasons you feel this way.

Sincerely, from England....

 

all meds have been tried, i do have life threatening allergy to them
this physt. that i saw yesterday found it out the hard way when
he kept giving me different things , and it scared him
you want to know what the sleeping pills are
he went in a gave me the blue bottle
on the label it says apo-alpraz 1.0 mg take 2 tablets when required
(then he wrote on the bottle night)
mind u i am allergic to sleeping pills too but
at this point of time my plan is to use them.

 

thank you I hope u are dong well.
and I hope that u are not upset with me
so taking all that stuff.
i didn't mean to worry you

 

i think you should go to hospital for a stay until you are stable and your feel safe about being on your own. If you get to that point sign yourself in okay in hospital that is where you can get the treatment you need as an inpatient and you will be safe there.

 

Thank you for your suggestion,
i wish it were that easy in this small town it is not that easy
they just sent me home yesterday after spending 2 days in ICU from drug overdoze
there's just no beds
and they closed down the 4th floor all together.
so mental health units are gone
i am completely at a loss just staring at the screen here
with my sleeping pills , that the phys gave me yesterday
beside me.

 

take the pills and get rid of them okay What suggestion does your pdoc give you certainly he has avenues to help. Can you go out of your city to another one near by for the help you need Talk to you doctor see what the closest facility is and go okay I know many people who have traveled far distances to get the help they needed to heal I hope you can do that as well You need to reach out to the hospitals closest to you that do have the facilities you need hugs

 

i agree put the pills away tonight
tomorrow morning call your psychiatrist first thing and tell him you need to go inpatient. ask him where the nearest facility is for you and ask him to arrange it. a short stay in the hospital is necessary to help stabilize you.
you don't need another OD to get help
you can get help now

 

Wow that's awful that you have been treated that way by a professional. Not sure where you are located. I'm probably from the otherside of the world. It really makes me sad that people with an illness such as depression don't have the proper help they require.

Do u know what the best medicine is... And best drug to lift your spirits?? Endorphines... Go for a fast power walk or run... Get the blood pumping and do it on a daily basis as a routine and u will feel a little better. Throw those sleeping pills down the sink...

 

thank you for taking the time to write to me
it is so hard just to leave my bedroom
but i can try
i need sleep so bad other than the icu i haven't had any sleep in days
so my plan is to cross my fingers and take some of those pills tomorrow.
i hope u are doing well. and again tks for writing.

 

If it's any consolation it's 2.16pm here in Melbourne Australia and I'm still in bed. Pathetic really bit I cant get out of my own hole. However..... When I do pull my finger out and exercise it makes me feel amazing. I'm heading off to the drs very soon as I'm having a shitty panic attack.... They gave me Valium but I got addicted to it so I'm trying not to take it.

What time is it where you are?

 

Hi it is 12:20 at night where I am, i don't sleep
just lie there staring and thinking
sorry that u are having a panic attack
those are not very nice at all
i hope your doctors appt. goes well
let me know how it goes for you.

 

Had drs appointment and he's upped my antidepressants. Great just what I wanted..... Not.. I hate being on any form of drug. But if I'm not on them I crash down again.

I'll tell ya what I did just do tho.... Went and thrashed myself at the gym... I'm buggered and sore buries a good pain to have

Have you tried listening to any hynosis CDs at bedtime. I have an excellent one. I'll find it and tell u wat its called.

 

too bad he had to up your drugs. i hear you but it is for the best now.
Maybe one day you can get off them.
I on the other hand wish I cld take something, I am severely allergic to all
anti depressants including the new ones.
so i fight this by seeing a doctor 1 once evey 8 days.
so its so hard to not be discouraged.
so u went to the gym!! GOOD FOR YOU )))
I can't get myself out the door
Its 3 a.m. here at night, no sleep again for me,
No i have not tried those CD's.
Let me know the name of it, I am willing to try anything.
cause I am not very stable tonite but talking to you and posting, and reading is
helping me. In about another 3 hours the sun will be up.
Hang in there.

 

Yup it's crappy that I'm having to up the dose. I'd personally rather be off them. But unfortunately I can't cope being off them.

That cd that I was talkin about is by an Aussie lady by the name joane goulding and the title of the cd is 'a journey of the mind' put it on ya iPod if u have one and listen to what she says. Imagine the things she says in there so your focused on that instead of thinking the 'what if's and all those other thoughts you can have while laying in bed. I don't think I've ever.... Got to the end of the cd without falling asleep. Your meant to do it for 20 days straight or keep doing it every night and you'll wake up feeling refreshed. It has helped me so much. I really should start listening to it again.

Well worth a try and like you said.... Your willing to give anything a go.. You still have some fight in ya

Don't give up matey. As hard as it all it... And I know from personal experience you can get through the tough times and come out on the other side.

I'm glad my posts have brightened up your day!