Loco

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hell_follows_me, Aug 13, 2009.

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  1. Well I'm not going to say I have it as bad as some of the people on here. Its not a competition or anything after all. But anyways. I'll just go through the motions of why I'm here. I'm 20 right now. When I was 12 my parents split. When I was 13 my mom started putting me on all these focus drugs for ADD and anger problems. None of them worked. So instead of trying to understand why I was acting the way I was she kicked me out at 13. So I lived with my dad for a while. While I was with him I met my first girlfriend at 14. It was silly puppy love. But it was still my first girlfriend. When I was 15 we had a fight and I left her to be with the guy she was fucking. The next day she died in a carwreck about an hour after she had called me. My last word to her were. "Fuck you *****, I hope you die" ...the phrase careful what you wish for has never been so true in my life. But anyways, after that I became very depressed. I started at smoking pot. I was still VERY sad. I switched to coke, and started dropping acid. Eventually I became addicted to heroin. I went to a mental instute for teens when I was 16. In there I attempted suicide for the first time while going through heroin withdraws. I sharpened a toothbrush and slashed away. Well obviously they caught on and stopped me. And eventually I was on good enough behavior to get out. When I was 16 I also started developing a minor case of schitzofrenia. My mom and dad didn't believe me. I went to a shrink and he said I fucked myself up from all the acid I had dropped. At 16 also after I got out I was actually a witness to a homeless guy who killed himself. The guy blew his brains out. And you know what my first thoughts were? "Lucky motherfucker" At 17 my dad kicked me out. At this point I had nowhere to go. I stayed at random strangers houses, slept under bridges. I finally was introduced to a few people that got me a job and let me split rent with them. But soon they grew tired of me. I have tried to kill myself 3 times in my life. Today I am doing okay. I have a girlfriend that I love. I have a job. I live in an apartment. I'm getting by really. But my past haunts me. Every second of every day I want to put an end to this fucked trip I've had so far. My girlfriend is really the only thing keeping me here. And if history has a way of repeating itself I know eventually she will leave. I want to die. But I keep living to keep others happy. And not myself. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do that.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Is there anything that makes you happy? I'm glad you're still here and that you want to make other people happy. But there has to be something that you can live for because it makes you happy!
     
  3. Well all those drugs made me think I was happy. But I'm sober now. And I haven't REALLY been happy for a long time. But I'm good at pretending I am. I don't think there is much out there that can. I used to love playing music and playing the drums. Now even that seems lackluster to me.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    How about being with your girlfriend, does that help?

    You shouldn't have to pretend to be happy if you're not. There's nothing wrong with telling people how you feel, because sometimes it helps just to have someone listen, someone that you know will be there.
     
  5. I love her. But I've been in love before. I know how it usually ends. It helps for now. Its what is keeping me alive. But I know in the end its not going to fix anything. And bud I know there is nothing wrong with it. The thing is people don't want to hear that stuff. They don't want to be around someone negative. And rather than be alone like I have been most of my life I just learned to fake it and smile and laugh with the rest of the retards in my life. I appreciate your concern though.
     
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