"Logical" Suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by helplessly_waiting, Sep 20, 2012.

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  1. I decided three years ago to kill myself and I've been trying ever since. It could work, too, but I always chicken out and call someone right before I black out. Then I spend a week or two in a hospital and everyone watches me to make sure I don't try again.

    I wouldn't say that this is always an emotional decision. I want to die, period. Sometimes certain emotions, like stress or anger, push the timeline up a bit, but I've tried to kill myself when I felt fine emotionally.

    I've spent a great deal of time thinking about the reasons I want to end my life. It's not because I want revenge and it's NOT a cry for help. It's simply that I've weighed the good against the bad in my life and living simply is not worth it.

    I've heard all the cliches..."permanent solution to a temporary problem"..."you'll never get to find out"...etc. You've heard them all, too. Yes, I know life will get better. Yes, my depression does lift. But life always gets worse again, and my depression always comes back. Life will always have its ups and downs...I truly do not believe it's worth it.

    Aside from that, I am just plain exhausted. I'm tired of stress; I'm sick of dealing with other people's crap; I'm frustrated with my life in general. It's not just a physical exhaustion...it's a full-on mental/emotional/physical/spiritual exhaustion that I just cannot handle for much longer.

    Yes, I am seeing a therapist, and yes, I am on medication and yes, both are starting to help. I just don't know if they will work quickly enough and I do not believe either will be able to lift me out of this bone-deep exhaustion that invades my every day. It's affecting my work life, my home life, my relationships with others...

    I'm sick of trying to die and failing, and if I had a sure-fire way to end my life I would. Every time I get a headache or a side pain I hope it's cancer or my liver failing or something. I'm just sick of life.
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Know the feeling. I tried twice with major OD's, didn't call anyone but got found days later barely alive and comatose both times. Decided the whole OD thing could just never work after that. I gave it everything I knew and couldn't make it work and I'm pretty smart, so if I were you, I'd give up on the OD idea. Even if you don't call someone it won't work and you'll just injure your internal organs and be sick for the rest of your life, then things will suck even more.

    I want out and can't get the guts to really get out too. I decided during my last depression that I was too scared to live and too scared to die, so I would attempt to do as little of either and I've largely succeeded at that. Who says I can't succeed at what I set my mind to?

    Yeah, the whole permanent solution to a temporary blah, blah, blah. I hate to break it to you guys but for many of us, this is no temporary problem. It's a life long disability. What really sucks is battling your way back to a semi state of health only to lose it all again later. I have found a sure fire way but it's expensive and requires a lot of planning and I haven't committed to those things yet. Part of the problem is that I have difficulty planning how to get out of bed, never mind carefully orchestrating my own demise.

    I agree life is not worth living. Hence, I try to do as little of it as possible. I see myself as in a state of suspended animation, just waiting for the years to tick by so I can die of old age.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Permanent life long problems or disabilities do not mean in any way that like can not be over all happy and fulfilling, so "temporary problems" is perhaps not the best phrase - temporary situation or circumstance fits well- maybe the problem (depression or other mental illness will always be there) but the circumstance or situation that causes it to reduce quality of life to the point of not being worth it will not always be there. Many people take medications their entire lives for any number of physical as well as mental issues - it is no different than wearing glasses, just an accommodation to help it work better, not fix.
    You are seeing a therapist and trying meds and say it seems to be working. So let it work. And yes, likely at some point there will be other bad times - that is not exclusive to people with depression, that is everybody in the world, because i have yet to see a "perfect person" or a "perfect life". Making a conscious decision that you do not want to get better and therefore want to stop trying and instead let it get worse until you can feel "good" about dying is indicative of needing more therapy and support and most important more sincere effort - not the easy way - but unless you choose to simply settle it is the only way to minimize the low times and make the most of the better times. The end to the exhaustion comes when the breaks in between low times gets long enough to do some good - not by stopping the effort to get better. As you plainly know just existing can be exhausting so doing nothing is just as much actual effort as doing something but with less upside.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello there. I'm sorry that you feel this way. I'm not going to tell you any of the cliches to convince you not to do this, because you don't want to hear that. Why do I care that you don't do this? I don't know. I don't know you at all... but I do care. I care because life is important and because you mean something to someone (even yourself). I think the fact that you have tried and failed numerous times, if you're at all about karma or being spiritual (which I personally am not particularly) demonstrates that there may be something working against your plan and keeping you here for a good reason. We all have stress, believe me. We all have reasons to be depressed (I won't go into mine, but I'd stand it up beside anyone's here as being just as valid). You say you are seeing a therapist and taking medications and that it is starting to help. That's excellent. If it's starting to help, why do you not wish to see that help through and see where it leads you? You say that you are tired of dealing with the issues of others... so stop dealing with their issues. Acknowledge that you have to focus on your own situations and dismiss their issues and/or ignore them. I know what exhaustion is... My wife is tired of hearing me say, "I'm tired..." 300 times a day. I'm exhausted and I don't get a moment's rest whether it be stressful mental tasks, overseeing plans and issues, or whatever physical issue I feel has every muscle in my body hurting every second of every day. Despite that, life is worth living. Why? Because we only have one. Why not play out the game and finish? I have never been one to toss up the game board and storm out of a room if I'm losing. If I get sick of a car, I sell it. I can get another and if I regret getting rid of it later... well down the line I can replace it. Same is true for almost everything, including friends (and I assume relationships, though I have been married a long, long time, and always shall be). Life is not the same as that. You can't change your mind later and/or replace it. When it is done it is done. Logic alone, for me, dictates that dying is a no-win situation, and even if you don't win at life... the challenge is to stick it out and continue trying. A few minutes of joy is worth a few hours of struggle. Always.
  5. My depression has gotten worse again, even though I'm taking meds and seeing a therapist. It's gotten to where I am daily thinking about ending my life, and daily emotional enough to do so.

    My sister is moving out of my apartment tomorrow. After four or five months, I asked her to either pay $50 in rent per paycheck now that she works full time or to be responsible for the dishwashing. That was yesterday.

    Anyway, after she's moved out I can finally clean my apartment and keep it clean. I'm tempted to just box up everything once she's gone and put it in storage somewhere. Then I can finally successfully end my life without someone else having to clean up after me.
  6. Black Sun

    Black Sun Active Member

    Dear HW,

    What I hear from you sounds all too familiar. Some of these same ideas I expressed my post labeled Existential Issues: Meaning, Purpose and Transcendence (as I recall). Many of the modern existentialists, like Sarte belived that life has no meaning and purpose and that one has to make it up for their own self. Personally, I find this response to finding hope, meaning, purpose etc. a load of carp, or crap if you prefer. Of course these philosophers were atheists which I define as lacking any sense of wonder at life. Some of these people cheat and capitalize the "n" in nature and try to deify creation, therfore legitimizing a sense of wonder without having to deal with a transcendent being beyond their grasp. What I am saying is that I can appreciate your use of the term "logical" suicide.
    I do believe in God and an afterlife unlike our experience here but still have wanted to kill myself over these same feelings of hopeless and failure. It's like what's the point of sticking around if you already know how the story goes. The problem is, we really don't know what may happen if we perist in recovery; we also don't know what awaits us after self-termination.

    Personally, I have had to work on improving my physical health to improve blood-sugar levels and brain chemistry. The pharmaceuticals were not effective in the least for me. In fact, they just gave me more problems. Cognitive-behavior therapy can help improve our thought life. Albert Elllis (psychologist) said that in his experience people generally felt how they thought.

    Many of us also seem to have a lot of emotional baggage which comes from early childhood before we could adequately deal with "other people's crap" which usually means parents, caregivers, etc. I had loads of it to re-experience but I learned why I felt the way I did. It was because I full of crap (like everyone says) and it was causing me to distort reality. Not every authority figure is my bastard father, for instance. And not everyone will abandon me like my mother. The world is actually much better or healthier than my family. I never saw it. I drank everyday for 26 years to medicate the hurt and frustration. When I quit in 1998 or 1999, I thought life would be rosy. It wasn't. It has been sheer hell itself trying to figure out what's wrong with me, all by myself for past 14 years. Two days ago, I was seriously scared that unless I did something drastic, I would actually kill myself in one of my next mind numbing, blinding fits of suicidal depression. Visiting this site and getting feedback from some very intelligent and caring people has filled the great need I had and we all need for a strong, caring social support system. It's just the way we're built.

    Keep working with your therapist and maybe try to find other common sense ways to improve your life. You have a life full of hope, meaning and purpose which resonates with your unique identity. Most people don't have this kind of struggle, but some of us do. It's just hard to see when the crap is stacked up over your eye level.

    Stay with us Buddy, I already lost the closest friend I ever had this way. I don't want someone else to lose theirs, and I want to see you work your way out.

    Please stay in touch,

    Mac or Gilly (as you prefer)
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