Lol, whining.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Spearmint, Apr 18, 2008.

  1. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Srsly. A ridiculous amount of whining/rambling.

    You've been warned. :smile:

    So, I have counseling tomorrow, or whatever, and people are encouraging me to go ahead and tell her stuff, but I honestly don't want to tell her stuff, hell, I don't even like going. I dislike spilling all of my secrets face to face with anyone, especially someone whom I'm paying to listen to nothing, really. I only talk if she asks questions, actually, that's probably the only way anyone can get me to open up about anything, is by asking me about it, otherwise I just sit there and look at the floor. Hmm, tomorrow is also Dad's birthday, fuck. I haven't gotten him anything, and I know they're going to have a shit load of alcohol tomorrow. >.< It's not that I hate alcohol, it's that I hate my parents when they're drunk, which is quite often, really. I dislike not being able to have anyone to talk to outside of sf/besides my "counselor" about this stuff. It'd be nice if I actually had someone who understood, and whatnot, but I do believe that's just wishful thinking. I'm kind of like, over everything. I'm sick of not being able to sleep because of these fucking nightmares that don't even make sense. The only time I can actually get a decent sleep is when I drug myself into oblivion. It's not like I mind drugging myself into oblivion, it's kind of the opposite, but I dislike having to drug myself to be able to sleep.

    Heh, drugs, I know they're 'bad,' but really, they're quite nice. I like them, a lot. That's not good, but nothing I do is good, so whatever. And it's not like I'm addicted to them, so what's the harm? Rhetorical question, by the way. Hm, and then there's this cutting/burning shit that I feel the need to constantly do to myself. It's weird, it doesn't hurt, at all, people keep asking me if it does, and the answer is no, but seeing the blood, or the burn mark is why I do it. Not for pain, not for the scars, but to see that I am real, that I am actually here, and that this isn't just some ridiculous nightmare that I haven't woken up from yet. My counselor finally saw my cuts two weeks ago, she goes, "Oh, wow, I didn't know it was that bad." Oh, really? Well it's not going to be that pathetic emo shit you're probably used to seeing, the little paper cut scratches that people feel the need to show off constantly. What would be the point of me going to see you if that's what it was? I realize that any sort of self injury is bad, but it pisses me off when those kids go around saying they cut themselves and showing them off just to get "cool" points with their friends.

    I'm kind of like, beginning to get annoyed at people asking me how I am. Because I can never answer it honestly, so I usually just go, oh, I'm fine, how are you, when actually, fine is the furthest thing away from what I am. 'Cause how am I supposed to answer it? Suicidal? Depressed? Fucked up? Annoyed? Drugged out of my mind? Wanting to cut? Wanting to burn? Wanting to die? Really, I don't understand the people who think that I'm telling the truth when I say I'm fine, or when anyone says that they're fine. Especially at a place like this.

    And then there's like, my own self-hatred, self-indulgent, whiny shit. I used to never, ever talk about myself, or post, rather, but now it seems that I can't shut the fuck up. I know people are getting annoyed with me, I'm getting annoyed with myself. I just rant about things, without consciously trying to change them. I mean, I know there is stuff that I can't change, no matter how much I want to change them. I'd love to be able to change the fact that I was raped, I'd love to be able to change the fact that I try to be perfect in every way, and then get annoyed when I'm not, I'd love to change everything about me.

    Plus, for some reason, everyone seems to think I'm ridiculously bubbly and happy. It's so fucking annoying. It's like, no, look beyond the mask, and you really won't be seeing bubbly and happy, of course, no one really bothers to look beyond my appearance and my stupid fucking mask. I wish I'd never even bothered with a fake persona, it's annoying to have to keep it up constantly. It's annoying that when people look at me, all they see is this bubbly, happy, spoiled princess, when in actuality, that's not it at all. Yes, I'm spoiled, but that's because my parents feel the need to buy myself and my brother off with gifts to make up for shit. However, I am not stuck up, and I'm damn sure not an idiot, contrary to popular belief. Yes, I might be a bitch, but that's because I have very strong opinions, and I'm not afraid to voice them, more people should be like that, mincing words and sugar coating everything isn't going to help anyone.

    Bleh. I'm not in a good mood, I'm ranting and whining and rambling and I doubt anyone is even going to read it all, I honestly probably wouldn't, but whatever. I feel like cutting, I feel like burning, I feel like dying, I feel angry, sad, tired, awake, cold, and so many other things, and I hate it. I hate feeling anything. Why can't I fucking go back to being apathetic and numb? Also, I'm not apathetic anymore, so why can't I cry? Seriously. It's so annoying, because I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat, and now even if I try and make myself cry, I can't.

    Blah, blah, blah, I really need to shut the hell up. >.<

    (Kudos to those of you who can actually sit there and read all of that.)
     
  2. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    :hug: I wish I could write it all down like that. Every time I try, my mind goes blank. Or more so, the way from my braind and heart for my thoughts to get out at my fingertips is blocked. Dont shut up. Youre lucky to be able to rant :hug:
     
  3. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Therapists and stuff always seemed like that. And it’s not ‘intimidating’, it’s just like, awkward. I’m sure it isn’t easy to tell therapists and stuff. I know I’d have a hard time. Alchohol in families… well, mine does that a lot too. Though mostly my uncles / aunts. If they aren’t calling here at 2am, then they’re driving on the wrong side of the highway with a HUGE van. It’s just…crazy. Talking to someone about all the deeper feelings and stuff, it’d be great to have someone in person who you can just vent to / discuss things. The thing is, it’s like, not only super-awkward, not many peole like sitting there and stuff. And the thing that makes SF nice, is a person can come to it when it’s ‘convenient’. And people sometimes don’t feel like listening to people vent and stuff, and I think that’s just what makes SF useful in that kind of situation. It just really sucks sometimes when you have to type everything out.

    Drugs, alchohol, SI, all that stuff, it’s the same. They’re just different ‘flavors’. Whatever gets peoples mind off stuff. But I agree. You know, I noticed that too, that if you’re ‘down’ and SI, it really doesn’t hurt . But, if you’ve ever done it like when you’re semi-happy / decent mood, you actually feel it. But it is just the visual recognition. I feel that way too, because when I first started to SI, the pain did it about 3 times, then if I didn’t do it deep, it just didn’t mean anything.
    [FONT=&quot]
    Ugh, emos. I’ve probably made it clear that I don’t like ‘em. But damn, it doesn’t stop, does it? It just bugs me that they screw everything up for people who are REALLY depressed / down low. I just don’t get it, why a person would go as low as to PRETEND they’re depressed. I mean, common logic shows that a depressed person does not ‘magically’ have the desire to wear black clothing / make up and grow their hair to cover half their face, etc. Seriously, I don’t know how many times I end up having these like ‘discussions’ about it with people.

    [/FONT]
    Seriously, dude. I always tried to think of a way to say what you just did, but I couldn’t. People always are inclined to say ‘fine’. If they don’t, it’s just like a red flag if you tell the truth. I mean like, if someone asks how you are, and you say ‘wanting to die’, what’s the person you’re talking about supposed to say? They’ll most likely use a :hug: emote or something, and then fade out of the conversation. I totally agree, there’s just not an easy way to really answer that question.

    Goes round and round. It’s like, if you post and all that, you feel stupid, and if you don’t, you’re just bottling it up inside. I hate the feeling. It actually just complicates the trouble you go through, it’s just an all around stress type thing. I don’t know what I’m saying.

    I think everybody tends to judge mostly on who they are on the outside. Isn’t it weird that people still use things like that on the internet? Even when it’s easier to ‘open up’ and not feel embarrassed, we all just still feel the need to act ‘normal’. Even on Skype, we all sound like NORMAL HAPPY PEOPLE. And we all know we aren’t. We all know the people we’re talking to aren’t. And it’s just weird. Because even then, you’re just getting to know the person that they WANT you to think they are. So actual ‘talking’ is never really…talking. I know that there was a person (recently) that I was just really annoyed to talk to, but after talking a bit in a PM, it’s a lot different. People all judge eachother by who they are on the outside, that outside personality. But it’s not all their fault, because none of us want to take off the mask.

    Pfft…I read it all. Was kind of nice, was really quiet around the house.

    You know, I used to have this ‘theory’. Yeah, I’m geeky like that. Anyway, I used to think that a person cries a lot when they get depressed, but if they get REALLY low, they can’t anymore. But I don’t know, because a lot of people (including myself) cry in bursts, and have the ability to, and all that stuff. I don’t know, it’s just really weird.

    Even with everything that people know about eachother, nobody is EXACTLY the same. We all just got this weird pattern of feeling and doing things.

    Jess, sorry I don’t have much to say in terms of being helpful. But you’re my friend and I wanted you to know that I care.

    :hug:
     
  4. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I've said "fine" to you a few times myself, I think, and you've said it to me. I want you to know that I don't take it to be truthful, but rather I just take it as an indication that you don't feel like talking about anything.
     
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Jess,

    I know how you feel about the getting sick of having to paste the smile on. all i can say is, don't. you know you can vent to me. i know it isn't one on one, in person but I'm still available. you talk to your counselor at your pace and no one else's. You shouldn't be forced to talk to anyone you don't want to.

    the burning/cutting etc. i know it's a way of release but in time it could get you in real trouble. it could get you locked away. i for one don't want that.

    I'm sorry this isn't more helpful. when i'm 100% clear of drink i will write something more. :hug:
     
  6. SuperBo

    SuperBo Well-Known Member

    Hey hun Im sorry you feel like that I know how you feel.. just hideing how you feel.. but you dont have to hide it around me Im always here for you, you were here for me so im always here you know how to get a hold of me if you ever need me *hugs*
     
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey Jess *hugs*

    I won't get sick of you talking about the things going on in your mind, ever. And besides, I think you do it less than you think. I don't think you do it a lot. But when you DO let things out, I'm glad you do, cos bottling up doesn't work. And if you feel the urge to talk about stuff, it's obviously necessary.
    Whenever you want to talk, I'm here. Remember that :arms:

    As for the whole councellor thing.. I know it's hard to talk to someone face-to-face about emotional stuff and I understand that you don't think you can do that. What about writing things down? Maybe you can write it down for her, and give her that?
    I know someone who could never talk about stuff, so she wrote things down, and gave that to her therapist at the start of a session. Her therapist would then ask questions about it. Eventually after doing it like that for a while, they'd talk without her writing things down more often. Now she doesn't write anything down anymore.
    Maybe that would be an idea for you? Could be worth a try :hug:

    About the 'I'm fine' and all those sort of answers to the question how you're doing.. Well I can agree with you for the most part. And I guess I understand why you're getting annoyed with the 'how are you'-s and 'how ya feelin'-s and all that. It's a cliché conversation starter, and often it's being asked more out of 'obligation' and cos it's supposedly 'polite' to ask, rather than actual interest. And you feel you can't answer honestly because like.. well as you say, how are you supposed to answer? So what's the point? You'd just get a 'polite' question with a 'dishonest' answer.. :dunno:
    BUT, on the other hand, often people actually are interested in how you really are doing, and they want to show some support. Or at least let you know that they care. I guess people don't just assume you're not doing well (even if you're on this site), because there's always the hope that someone feels good. Even if it's just for a day. I for one ask the dreaded question a lot. Because there's always the hope that you feel good, or at least okay, y'know. And I have that hope because you deserve to feel good. And sometimes people do feel good (for a bit). So I guess it's not a forlorn hope.
    I wish you'd answer honestly to the question. Because like... I care. And okay, I may not always know what to say when you feel shit. I may send a :hug: reply. But at least I know that you're feeling shit, and I can offer my ear (or screen :wink: ) for you to talk (type) to. And who knows I might some day have advice or some words that are actually helpful to you. Who knows.


    Now, you posting about yourself, is a good thing. You might see it as annoying, because you don't like to talk (type) about yourself, but I don't find it annoying, and I highly doubt that anyone else thinks it is annoying.
    Like Will said, it seems like it's either posting about what bothers you, or bottling up. I'd say the latter definitely is NOT an option. You've done that way too long already. Letting things out is good for you, Jess. Getting it off your chest can be helpful in itself already. And sometimes it's good to get other people's views on a situation. Because one cannot see things regarding their own life in an objective manner, whereas others can. So you might end up hearing some views which you hadn't thought of before :dunno:
    Even if you choose not to post about things, know that you can hit me up on IM or email anytime.

    I think it's wrong to judge a person by their behaviour, yet it's the only way there is. The only way to judge a person for who they truly are, is if that person truly acts the way they feel. And I don't think ANYBODY does that. EVERYBODY puts some sort of mask up sometimes. It's a natural defence-mechanism; you automatically try to act the way you think people want you to act in order to get them to like you. Yes you may be someone who 'doesn't care' what other people think, but that's not entirely true. Of course you don't need everyone to like you, but you don't want everyone to hate you either. So you try and act in a way which prevents the latter from happening. And once a mask like that is up there. Practically 24/7.. It's hard to get it off, cos it gets stuck to your face, so to say.
    It's nice to joke around and act bubbly and happy, because it's a light-hearted distraction from the shit we already deal with in our heads so often. But too often sure as hell ain't good for you either :sad:
    I know you already know, but I'm gonna say it anyway: on here there's no need to have the mask up. Nobody expects you act all happy and bubbly, especially not on here, seeing how the nature of this forum kinda implies that you are not happy and bubbly and all that.

    :hug: I care for you Jess, and by all means do keep posting if things are on your mind. Let them out, because it's no good to bottle up.
    Iz wubz za Jezz :wub:

    Love,
    Est x

    oh and i don't think you're a bitch, by the way. Yes you might come across bitchy at times, but doesn't everyone? Especially if you are straight-forward and, like you said, have a strong opinion, some people can think you're a bitch. Personally, I think they should get over it and be glad that someone is kind enough to voice their honest opinion, rather than some spruced up sweet words. :rolleyes:
     
  8. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug::hug: iTwin, Lead, Kellz, Bo, Est, thank you all so much, seriously. :wub: