Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by aki, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I went to the doctor, my stomach was all in knots I was that nervous.

    I told her how I felt, that I felt and constantly thought of killing myself, stabbing myself, everything.

    She was nice and understanding and gave me medication.

    It didn't do anything, so she sent me to some other people to get assessed.

    I told this woman I was sent to nearly everything about my life, about my problems and stuff. This woman I had never met before, I told her about my life, that I'd never tell my friends. About my family. It was totally humiliating to admit to things, and at one point I think she judged me a little. She wrote everything down on a form. Lol - a fucking form!

    She asked me if I ever harmed myself, I said yes. She looked shocked/interested.

    'Can I see?'

    I just...panicked slightly. 'No...I haven't done it in a while. In a few years maybe.' (lie, although I don't do it very much). I think that's a personal thing anyway.

    So yeah it was hard, especially as I find really hard to make eye contact with people most of the time, so that shows you how this level of intimacy might be hard for me.

    I got out of there as fast as I could. She told me they'd 'discuss my case' at their 'meeting' or something. Yeah, thats nice, a load of people you don't know talking behind your back.

    So I get a phonecall. Telling me they've 'discussed my case' and they think the best thing would be if I go and refer myself to this other place which gives counselling or something. So yeah, basically, you're not crazy enough for us , I guess.

    I'm really sorry for this total rant, I just realised that no one really cares. I don't think counselling is going to help me, I did for a while and although it helped in some ways....yeah...I don't want to talk about my life, I don't want to remember. The whole thing was too much of an ordeal with not enough results. So who cares anyway? I guess I've just got to help myself. Yeah no one does...its always like...uhhh sowwwy gotta go talk to someone more important who I care about *slightly* more, who needs more help blah blah. I realise it would be a total cop out to do anything before I reallt tried to help myself. But I'm being put on a medication that does literally nothing, I haven't even been arsed taking it for a few days and I felt no different, no side affects either. Seriously I feel like I'm screaming inside but I still act relatively normal, apart from not doing anyhting, never going outisde, but I still act pretty cheerful, I don't know why.

    I feel jealous when I hear about people who kill themselves after many years of being tried to helped by others. And then everyone cries at their funeral and says how kind and sweet they were, isn't it sad?? But if I died I'd just get called a selfish bitch I guess. 'She wasn't even sexually abused?????! Well why can't she just get over it then, we've all got problems.'

    Ugh god whatever never mind. I can't even bloody cry anymore. I just feel empty empty empty.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Elizabeth, if you really want to be in counseling, keep searching.
    It saddens my heart to hear of people having bad experiences with therapists. I have had so much good come from counseling. They are supposed to be non-judgemental. If you senses judgement coming from her, and that she was a little "shocked" that would have been an immediate turn off for me and I would know she won't be able to help. Keep searching. There are some really caring helpful therapists out there.
    I guess I had one bad experience. Out of the 5 or 6 I've been too, the one at the college I went to I didn't like in the least. It was at UCONN. I am taking medication now, but at this time I did not want to be medication. I talked a lot about my life, and all he said was you should try medication. And he was like this will be hard without medication. And he was talking about getting involved with activities at school. Basically no hope. But I didn't let it get me down. I knew he was just wasn't a good therapist.

    And when you say "she wasn't even sexually abused?" I feel like you feel guilty for your feelings because others have been through worse. It gets said a lot on this forum, and a lot of times by me lol, but it does not matter the circumstances. Your pain can be greater than that of someone who is sexually abused. Don't feel guilty. We all take things and interpret them differently. Don't let other people make ever make you feel guilty with the talk of you shouldn't be feeling like this because it isn't that bad. That hurts the worst I think.

    Anyway. Lots of :hug:. And good luck at finding a new therapist, if it's what you want. :wub:
  3. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Thankyou :hug:

    I find therapy hard. I had one before, who was nice, but I couldn't really talk about very intimate things....I just have to keep some things to myself...or with someone very special. It's just like this place I went to, that I talk about in this post, was supposed to help me, prescribe me meds that might help me more, or just diagnose me properly, I dunno. But it's just like one session and they tell me to go off somewhere else, even though I'm depressed and maybe they should me helping me more, not telling me to clear off. I do think I have other things wrong with me, apart from depression, but the woman who assesed me didn't seem to care. I should go to counselling but I think I need other help too. But I'm so depressed right now, I don't think I'm even going to bother getting this counselling set up. I find it hard to even get dressed for god's sake. It's like they didn't even believe me, that I don't actually have something wrong with me, I just being 'emo' I don't know.

    And yeah, I don't think you can compare and judge pain either. I just think other people do this, and it angers me.

    Thanks a lot for your reply :)
  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Oh yes that is the worst. When people do not take feelings seriously.
    I've often though, and think a lot of people here think, "when I'm gone, will that be enough to show that I need some help?"
    You know how bad you are feeling. If you know you need help, you should find some.
    You say it makes you angry when other people judge, in counseling, you should never have judgement there, and if you find one that doesn't, maybe you can start to open up a bit more.
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    What happened most probably is that you got referred to your CMHT and they said they'd refer you to counselling.

    Your CMHT isn't there to solve anything, they are just meant to assess you, monitor you and refer you on to whatever they think is necessary. What they are doing is actually getting you help. I know it might feel like you weren't taken seriously but CMHT do nothing but prescribe medication and refer, monitor etc. The job of those people, CPNs , social workers, psychiatrists isn't meant to do talking therapy, they are just meant to assess, monitor and refer you, which they did. It'd be good to know as to what counselling they've referred you to. You should ask. I really do hope the counselling will help. I just think you might have gone to this appointment with the wrong expectations- they aren't there to help or make you feel better other than give you medication. They aren't counsellors. They discussed your case, and found that you needed counselling. I hope you do get this help, because I had a very similar experience at the beginning and I had to wait a long long time for psychological help from the NHS.

    The people you feel get more 'help' by these people because they are more crazy, are the people who CMHTs think counsellling is useless (people like me who they feel are hopeless cases) and just drug them up endlessly...when you're this crazy, the help from CMHTs is just that, talking to a woman like who you saw endlessly, feeling like you're talking to a fucking brick wall all the time and feeling like you're dying, because no one will refer you for psychological help.

    CMHT people can seem heartless. I know. I've learnt to cope with that and distance myself from them. :hug:

    As for you were not sexually abused, even people who have gone through shit like that are treated like dirt by CMHT and other heartless people who think they should just get over it.

    I was wondering what kind of help you want, if it's a social worker to talk to every week- then go back to your GP and say that you need someone constant. Like a CPN to monitor you. Just don't expect them to understand you because they won't...

    The best help I got was outside mental health services. I really recommend you not only pursuing whatever they can offer inside MH services but looking for independent therapists too.
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: what happened though sounds like it hurt you a lot.

    what you wrote gave me really strong memories of my time in MH services. It was horrific, letting people know all things I didn't tell people and them acting like that.....just how you said. It hurt me a lot. But my gf always used to say 'don't expect too much from them' and it helped me.

    Look after yourself. When you deal with people like that, it's sad, but you have to learn to be safe...

    Your post reminds me of myself at 17.

    Take care. It was really very brave to approach them in the first place. Really brave as it is difficult to reach out to someone in real life like how you have :hug: I'm sorry it turned out that way though. Some people do have good experiences, some don't. That woman sounds really useless and heartless- letting things out that you haven't told anyone in real life and to be met with that reaction, it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. Which is hurt and wanting to give up on everything. I met a wonderful counsellor though outside of it all which saved my life-it was then I realised there are people who do care about their job and the people they come into contact with. There will be someone who cares about you and will listen.

    Try and keep going although it sounds like you're in a very very rough patch at the moment.

    I'd definitely go back to your GP and ask for a CPN to come round to your house and see how you're doing...if you get a good relationship with a CPN/social worker it might make you feel more like you're being taken care of and not neglected.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 6, 2008
  7. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    ok, thanks. I was just expecting drugs I guess. I don't even want counselling or whatever, but I'll guess I'll try it. They just told me go somewhere else, somewhere where I could of gone anyway, just like saying they weren't going to help me. I just really hate having my life on file there, especially when they're not goign to do anything to help me.
    That 'crazy' remark or the sexual abuse one, that wasn't meant to insult anyone, it was just like they think beacuse I still eat or whatever I don't need help.
    I don't think I'll bother doing anything else, I've learnt many times that this reaching out stuff doesn't really work for me, for other people but not me. Internalisation is fun :tongue: woo hoo. ok. but thanks for your reply.
    Actually I regret having gone, the whole thing, I just want to be alone right now. I probably just totally overcomplicated everything.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 6, 2008
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    It's completely understandable to want to be alone after all that... xx

    and yeah, all that personal stuff on file must feel like a violation to you.

    :hug: i think you're really brave to have gone through all that and survived anyway. all too often i've come out wanting to kill myself...

    and the offer of outside counselling is one i'd recommend. i give my experience of outside counselling a much higher rating than MH services...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2008
  9. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    don't think that drugs are everything because they're seriously not. Sure they can give a helping hand but i've been on a high dose of a strong anti-depressant from 10 months now and i'm still struggling through. I'd love to have someone to talk to.....i've been on the NHS waiting list for months and months now, so i've actually decided to just pay and get the ball rolling. If the counselling is being offered to you don't turn it down, it is actually a wonderful opportunity for you to start to take steps to recovery. It is a combination of medication, counselling and self help that will help you recover successfully. Oh and btw don't just stop taking medication without drs permission, i don't know how long you've been on it for but it takes up to 2 months most of the time to feel any affect, it won't be helped if you are taking it irregually. You really need to follow what your dr said, if in a few months you are noticing any difference then at least you can competently tell him that the drugs don't work.
    Best of luck to you - and i'm sorry you felt dismissed, i've felt that a damn few times myself, we're extra sensitive when we are reaching out and depressed. We perceive things that may not actually be reality. The shock you percieved may have actually been concern??
  10. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    ^No I don't think it was just concern....but yeah you're right I'm incredibly sensitive about everything. Thanks for your reply, it made me see it from a different viewpoint, sorry you've waited so long for therapy.