I went to the doctor, my stomach was all in knots I was that nervous. I told her how I felt, that I felt and constantly thought of killing myself, stabbing myself, everything. She was nice and understanding and gave me medication. It didn't do anything, so she sent me to some other people to get assessed. I told this woman I was sent to nearly everything about my life, about my problems and stuff. This woman I had never met before, I told her about my life, that I'd never tell my friends. About my family. It was totally humiliating to admit to things, and at one point I think she judged me a little. She wrote everything down on a form. Lol - a fucking form! She asked me if I ever harmed myself, I said yes. She looked shocked/interested. 'Can I see?' I just...panicked slightly. 'No...I haven't done it in a while. In a few years maybe.' (lie, although I don't do it very much). I think that's a personal thing anyway. So yeah it was hard, especially as I find really hard to make eye contact with people most of the time, so that shows you how this level of intimacy might be hard for me. I got out of there as fast as I could. She told me they'd 'discuss my case' at their 'meeting' or something. Yeah, thats nice, a load of people you don't know talking behind your back. So I get a phonecall. Telling me they've 'discussed my case' and they think the best thing would be if I go and refer myself to this other place which gives counselling or something. So yeah, basically, you're not crazy enough for us , I guess. I'm really sorry for this total rant, I just realised that no one really cares. I don't think counselling is going to help me, I did for a while and although it helped in some ways....yeah...I don't want to talk about my life, I don't want to remember. The whole thing was too much of an ordeal with not enough results. So who cares anyway? I guess I've just got to help myself. Yeah no one does...its always like...uhhh sowwwy gotta go talk to someone more important who I care about *slightly* more, who needs more help blah blah. I realise it would be a total cop out to do anything before I reallt tried to help myself. But I'm being put on a medication that does literally nothing, I haven't even been arsed taking it for a few days and I felt no different, no side affects either. Seriously I feel like I'm screaming inside but I still act relatively normal, apart from not doing anyhting, never going outisde, but I still act pretty cheerful, I don't know why. I feel jealous when I hear about people who kill themselves after many years of being tried to helped by others. And then everyone cries at their funeral and says how kind and sweet they were, isn't it sad?? But if I died I'd just get called a selfish bitch I guess. 'She wasn't even sexually abused?????! Well why can't she just get over it then, we've all got problems.' Ugh god whatever never mind. I can't even bloody cry anymore. I just feel empty empty empty.