loneliness, career, planning suicide for the future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thingsaregonnachange, Jul 3, 2011.

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  1. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. I am going to sum up my story in a few short sentences.

    I am 26 (almost 27) now, and I’ve been dealing with heavy and constant depression since I was 20.

    I am a struggling filmmaker and I have been unable to find work or to get any sort of break in the business for about two years (I don’t live in the US, so it’s not Hollywood I’m trying to get into)

    I have studied a lot, I am very well prepared for the job, the problem is that I don’t have the right connections to put me anywhere. So I’ve been living with my parents and with zero income for about two years since my last job (which paid like crap).

    At the same time I have tried to produce some independent films on my own and to be perfectly humble I do think I have talent and potential, so I’m not ready to give up yet, since many directors struggled for years before getting their break.

    So far things have been difficult. The whole business is incredibly closed and corrupt.

    However, I’m not prepared to deal with being a failure if things don’t work out. I just don't want to do anything else in life, life holds no meaning for me if I'm not able to create films. I've decided to become a filmmaker when I was 9 years old, it's pretty serious.

    So the idea is, I want to have a complete suicide planned for when I decide to go. It gives me comfort that if all goes wrong I have a quick and painless way out of humiliation and failure, since there is nothing else I want to do in life.

    I don’t barely have friends; I don’t have kids; I am not in a relationship anymore, so I don’t have much to look forward to besides my career.

    My plan is to hang on for a little longer, possibly until I am 32 or 33, and if by then my career doesn’t take off in any meaningful way or does not show any real promise of doing so, I will take my own life.

    I am interested in the <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> because I don’t want my parents finding me to be a more tragic vision than it has to be, and I don’t want to attempt any method that involves illegal substances or that may put others at <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    I would of course send letters back home telling them I've gone, so they wouldn't go on a search or something.
  2. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    its really tough without any networks. Have you thought about doing a documentary?

    If filmmaking doesn't work out, you can always jump to another career... go study something else..
  3. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    If you are in the UK, Storyville/BBC4 will be broadcasting a 'mental health' week, sometime in quarter 4 of the year and are looking for ideas/programmes.
  4. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    The post was heavily edited, so the ending was a little incomprehensible.

    Anyway, it's been hard for me since I have always been incredibly precocious and successful in my life until I got out of college (I went to film school)

    Ever since my childhood, I was always one of the best students in class, very creative, very knowledgeable, I always respected my teachers and they adored me. I was always kind and generous with friends. Everyone around me (including my family) seemed absolutely certain of my success.

    I am heterosexual, relatively good looking (certainly above average), extremely hard working and dedicated, no health problems, I have never cheated on anyone, I don't do drugs, I'm not promiscuous, I meditate, I'm incredibly tolerant towards all kinds of different people, beliefs, etc.

    I mean, my life is completely "normal" in a sense. I have always been very responsible and honest in everything I ever did. I guess you could call me shy, but it's on a completely reasonable level, it's a normal shyness.

    After college, because I didn't have the right connections, things didn't go very well. I managed to find a couple of jobs completely on my own and I have produced some films independently but because of this lack of connections, networking, etc, none of it really bore fruit in terms of awards, other jobs, etc.

    Over the years I ended up not making many new friends, so today my social circle is very limited. I have around 3 people to go out with, basically.

    I don't know. I feel like I've done something terribly wrong along the way, because there hasn't been any great external difficulty in my life to avoid me getting there.

    Anyway, I'm trying to shake off the depression so I can concentrate on finding a new job and continuing to produce new films, but I am absolutely certain that if thing's don't work out in five years or so I will end my life.

    This is not some impulsive statement, I've been contemplating this since I was around 19.

    I just can't live with being a failure, unfortunately. Call it pride, maybe it is. And there's no other career I'd like to attempt.

    I know it all sounds very complainy, but I just needed to get it out there. I will never talk personally about this with anyone because I'm perfectly rational about all this and I wouldn't want to be committed somewhere.

    I don't think suicide is a right thing to do, because I believe we should live and enjoy this great mystery that is life and existence, but at the same time I know that some people get caught up into dead ends in their lives, and no one deserves to feel unbearable and unquenchable pain.

    PS: I don't live in the UK, but I don't want to be any more specific because I wouldn't want to be identified.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2011
  5. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    Anyway, thanks for the two replies. It seems most people here want to talk but not listen, which is understandable considering the topic. lol
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Since you are “perfectly rational”, may I ask you: Is it (absolutely) true what the mind (your own mind or other people’s minds) thinks is more important than “this great mystery that is life and existence”?

    Maybe you’ve heard about laws of attraction? Your subconscious thoughts may have a significant influence on manifestation in reality. You may want to focus your attention and energy on doing what you can towards what you would like to accomplish. It would be very helpful if you can completely ignore or let go of the thought of “planning suicide for the future” - “I am absolutely certain that if thing's don't work out in five years or so I will end my life” sounds like a harsh judgement with death sentence against yourself…

    May I point out that you have given the conditioned mind (ego) too much power over your true self? If you simply enjoy making films out of your passion and love without the interference of the ego, your pure enjoyment itself in the process of making films is already a success and the films made in such a manner/state are usually better quality as well…

    Please be open to life…embrace life with all your heart…

    Wish you successes in life!
  7. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    To be honest, things could be worse.

    The problem is, I have zero income today, but despite this at least I've managed to create a small filmography so far.

    Anyway, I guess the problem is that I don't have much else to look forward to besides my career.

    My social life is pretty anemic, I'm not too focused on relationships, that sort of thing.
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Might I suggest a movie which might help you put things in focus a little?

    It is a movie called 'Its a wonderful life' - and the character in the movie could well be you - or me, or anyone just chancing on this post.

    I like to think that most people here would identify with this classic portrayal of depression, it is a movie which tackled suicide WAY before anyone would call it brave to break the silence.

    Whoever made this movie - made it in such a way that anyone who watches it is changed.

    As for movies in general, I would like to see more movies which perhaps had people like us featured!

    A movie about a forum would be good.
  9. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You mentioned “I believe we should live and enjoy this great mystery that is life and existence”.

    What is “this great mystery that is life and existence”? What does it mean to you by “live and enjoy this great mystery that is life and existence”?

    You seem to limit yourself in many ways due to your projection of a self image. It seems that your past should determine your future. “Everyone around me (including my family) seemed absolutely certain of my success.” And you even seem to have a definition for your success - something in filmmaking…

    I’m not saying that it’s not good to have a goal, but when the goal is more important than living life itself, you are not willing to “live in the moment” (spirit of Buddhism?), to honor and acknowledge the present moment, which is the only place where life happens. Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now” talks a lot about this and the conditioned mind, which is available in most bookstores around the world. Here is a link to free download of the PDF version of the book: http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf Here is a quote from the book:

    Eckhart also mentioned Zen (Buddhism) and some Zen stories. Here is what he said related to Zen:

    If no income is the problem, you know you can find a job for a temporary source of income while you can still look out for filmmaking opportunities. Sometimes the opportunities may appear in very unexpected ways or places…

    Is there any particular reason that you avoid relationships? I don’t mean that one has to have a relationship to “live and enjoy this great mystery that is life and existence”, but balance in life may be the foundation for “live and enjoy this great mystery that is life and existence”?

    You said “I don't have much else to look forward to besides my career.” Maybe you can open yourself to life more and explore more about life? You mentioned that you “turned to Buddhism”. What does it say about what is real in life? What is ego or fictitious/false self? What is life after all?

    May you find a way to "live and enjoy this great mystery that is life and existence"! :)
  10. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    The only thing that (presently) holds me back from doing it is my mother.

    My relationship with my father is distant enough. He would suffer, but not terribly.

    My mother however is very attached to me, so it would be a major blow to her.

    But unfortunately, if things don't work out in a few years I won't have another choice.
  11. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    Don't give up. You are still very young and sound like you have much to offer. It is my belief that most things in life are closed or corrupt. It is a game, I am not good at it. It would be such a waste for you to throw so much away. I look up to the creative types so much, they add such beauty to this world. Keep on plugging. So much is "corporatized" (spelling???) Don't let them win.
  12. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Here is a (whole) movie on youtube, which you may find interesting as it relates to making (creating) movies:

    The Shift--Wayne Dyer 1
    (Ambition to Meaning - Finding Your Life's Purpose)


    Note: The movie is consisted of 13 video clips so you need to click the next clip after one is finished...
  13. DonDen

    DonDen Active Member

    have you tried smaller things? commercials? short films? you might be aiming a bit high? just a thought, throwing some ideas out there.
  14. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I have tried them, but the people in the medium (at least in my country) are in general incredibly corrupt and biased.

    Film festivals select movies from people they know. The committees chose films from their friends, people they've heard of, powerful or influential people they want to please, etc.

    The same works for the government grants that allow people to make movies.

    Everything works on this level: networking, benefiting friends, relatives, etc. It honestly isn't very different from the Mafia, I'm not exaggerating.

    Getting into commercials is also hard as a bitch if you don't know anyone to put you inside.

    I'm at a professional dead end. And my energy to keep pushing forward in hopes that some day I'll "get inside" is rapidly diminishing.

    As I've mentioned, my plan is to try to hang on until I am 32 or 33 (meaning five or six years) to see if things work out.

    The only comfort I have is reading that Ang Lee spent six years unemployed (being supported by his wife) before he made his first feature film at age 38.

    I'm not gonna last that long, though. I'm 100% not afraid to die.

    I already have a whole method (how I will do it, how my body is supposed to be found, etc, etc) that I will put into practice once I can't take it anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2011
  15. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm getting a little tired.

    I'm considering lowering my limit to the end of this year.

    If I can't find a decent job, get my career actually started and turn things around, I'm gonna do it by the beginning of 2012.

    I've been suffering for so many years. Sometimes I think that if my 17 year old self (10 years ago) saw what my life would be today he would've killed himself then.

    I mean, both my personal life and my professional life are a joke.

    It just occurred to me that if things didn't change in the last 10 years, they're not gonna change in the next 10, or 20. There's no need to fool myself and suffer needlessly.

    I have it all planned out, I've researched it enough, it really does seem painless. Going to do it in a car. I just need to think of a way so that my mother isn't the person who finds my body.
  16. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I've thought of the way. This brings me more peace.

    I'll leave a note at home explaining where the car is parked with my body, so that the funeral company can go pick me up and hopefully my mother never even has to look at my corpse. From there it's cremation and oblivion.

    I have everything figured out about the method. Read about every little mistake people make, it's gonna work, I'm sure.

    Now it's a matter of 6 months - 1 year to see if Fate finally decides to give me a break.

    I'm not asking for impossible or overly ambitions things. Just a decent job in the industry that allows me to move out from my parents house and really start my life.

    But maybe it's not meant to be and nothingness is what I truly deserve.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2011
  17. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I've set a date. If nothing gets in my way, February 29th 2012.

    6 months for the universe to show me I have a chance at anything.
  18. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    Hey. Actually in a similar predicament myself. I'm 27, attending grad school, hoping to be a writer. My goals are so high that they might be unattainable. Creative work is a lot about who you know, but with the Internet, you do have some options.

    I don't mean to sound cheesy or petty, but have you thought about uploading some videos to YouTube? I love YouTube and there is a lot of great stuff on there. We are living in an age of Internet celebrities. Try some stuff. Let people see it. Even if you don't get the jobs you want, people will view and appreciate your art as long as you put the work into it. The littlest approvals of people make all the difference. I know that may not mean financial success, but you can still be making a difference in people's lives. And if you do want to get into film making, it may mean relocating to where the work is, even in small parts on a set. At least then you'll have the opportunity to make some connections.

    Anyway, all I'm saying is that with the Internet, there are a lot more options now than there used to be.
  19. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I like what you said, DrNick1010. It's one of the reasons I really like YouTube.. in my eyes a great outlet for expression. And last but not least, thingsaregonnachange, I wish you the best of luck with your career. :grouphug:

    Take care,

    Mr. A
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2011
  20. locpsimella

    locpsimella Member

    If you're into film/entertainment, I'm guessing you're familiar with Ricky Gervais. What I remember him for most is saying that life begins at 40 (just scroll down his blog - you'll find it). Now, before you use that as evidence that you should end things because you couldn't possibly hang in there 'till 40, let me explain. Twenty-six is VERY YOUNG. I know you don't want to hear that, but I'm giving you a little tough love right now. You are YOUNG. Young period, but especially for the screenwriting biz. Although there are certainly some early twenty-somethings that write and sell a decent script or get backing for a respectable indie film, most people are in their mid-thirties or older. Why? Because storytelling requires life experience and selling/producing/shooting a good story requires repeated effort and luck. Yes, some a-holes are lucky enough to be born into the right circles. But people like you and me and a lot of great storytellers aren't that fortunate. Doesn't mean we're losers - just means we have to think of a better way.

    Now, I empathize with wanting to kill yourself because you are a) stuck beneath your parents' roof and b) underachieving in your own mind. I feel the same way, only I'm in your position while I'm in my mid-thirties. But what I'm telling you is, DON'T. Six months may give you time to figure something out, but it's highly unlikely you're going to option a script or get a major studio film produced within the next few months...not because you're a loser or lack connections, but because it's the nature of the beast. You're starting young - you will achieve success young if you keep up with it, educate yourself, and don't let your unrealistic expectations or ego get in your way. I started late. And I'm suffering under the weight of my own unrealistic expectations, just like you. Point is - good for you for believing so strongly in your path. KEEP IT UP but have an open mind. Don't think that the only route to success is the traditional route. Because it's NOT. Start where you are, as they say. Your first venture doesn't have to be oscar-worthy. I know that's what you aspire to - but acknowledge you have to start at a lesser point and then work your way up there once you've gotten an 'in'. OK? Just hang in there. Throw away that arbitrary date and commit yourself to finding alternative ways into the field and out of your parents' house.

    And don't live for your mother. Live for yourself. Because it sounds like you've got a lot to contribute, and not just because your mom would be upset if you didn't. I'd love to see your point of view.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2011
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