Loneliness is Alive

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by The Unforgiven, Nov 18, 2010.

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  1. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    i am so alone, that it is almost tangible.

    so what does loneliness taste like?... bitter.. well.. not the throat gagging, choke inducing variety but bitter all the same.. More like an undercurrent of it.. as if everything i see or every move i make is shot through with regret, yes.. bitter regret..

    Doesnt that make loneliness a physical being? i can taste it.. and yes i can feel it.. to those lucky ones whove never been afflicted Loneliness is the impermeable, suffocating blanket of thought that presses down on you from all sides...
    like some insidious creeping vine, growing stronger and more vital. more there! ! with every coil it makes around you.. not strangling, just pressing down on you, so yo are! compressed and you are restricted, but not immobilised.. and forced to go about the rest of the day with it hanging on you.

    yes, i can feel it. and i can hear it. its in that isolated cocoon of silence that enshrouds me, within yet around... i am surrounded by a chatter all day.. a buzz, a noise the voice of these teeming souls in college who vomit their mind unthinkingly... or the rank opposites who seal it inn and listen close, filing away unsuspecting fool' titbits for future recall and manipulation.

    i am not an island of solitude, nor am i on a rocky outcrop in this villlage of idiots. im right there, smack bang in the middle, sporting the plastic smile and weathereing the day through till i get back to the safety of my room.. the quiet.. and the cursed yet blessed soiltude..
    im right there in the middle, can you see me?.. the tiny one sitting in the huge gaggle of girls listening to one or the other moaning about their broken or chipped nail, or new hair job, idk what!

    oh im sooo popular. the Listener, thats who i am. everyones confidante, everyones secret holder, everyones support for whatever disgustingly shallow crises come their way. they none of them understand that life has meaning outside their Barbie bubbles. ha, i should say p-o-l-i-t-i-c-s and probably the cafeteria will clear out.
    but who listens when i talk?. no one... its not like i havent tried. the fools just dont have it in them to understand.. none of the no, i kid you not. not one sensitive enought o understand nuances, cliches, subtleties, hints.. things that need to be felt not broadcasted.. all lost.. nothing makes sense till its substantial enough to bite them in the ass.

    is that what makes me lonely? Yes. WHY WOULDNT IT? not being understood.. yes. Am i a freak here? i suppose yes i am. i could have been a ditzy bubblehead, but no. i worry tooo much about personality. i put too much in store in thoughts and emotions. thats not what "normal" is. "Normal" is agonizing over whether "that" shade of nail polish accentuates the barely there highlites of "that" color i put in my hair... or whether some Michelangelo's david-esque hunk deems me worthy of a smile (or heavens! a wink!!) when he walks past.
    im not immune to it, nor do i scorn it. i just cant revolve my life around all this.. ive seen too much.. too old for my years.. too old for being juvenile?..

    i am a freak then i am a thinker. i do not judge based on looks. (yes i know, i am ugly, lol we all say that looks dont matter, but its cuz we know they dont. ) while i do like being well dressed i just dont think the color of my socks is a matter of national concern. i prefer a walk in the rain or a good book to grinding on some steroid injected stud on the pheromone infused dance floor. lol. ive been there, done that. its not where m heart lies.

    i am not an outcast. i am not a dunce, im perfectly capable of following
    a conversation, if its worth paying attention to. im not suffering from superiority complex.. its just that you can listen to bf stories just so often without gaggiing lol. i am not socially isolated, enough people around me. i attract enough for retaining the ability to reduce people to splits and tears of laughter. im not a prude, i can be just as comfortable around the 'yo sup dawg" crowd as the "good evening" one.
    im not some kind of insufferable snob. its just that not only does anyone sees the pain in me, most dont even care. because they wont understand something like this, like me. i am an abomination i suppose.. what im burying within is not going to be understood.. and im more scared of that that anything else..
    i am understanding n i am compassionate. i feel. i am not emotionally crippled or insensitive. yes i can be caustic, sarcastic, biting. but i am never intentionally so... for no other reason save tha ive been hurt far too many times to let anyone suffer it becuse of me.
    i am loveing yes. i am caring. even to these shallow fools, because its not their fault they dont understand me.. if i am beyond their ken its not their fault.. mine.. all mine for making my life a mess...
    i am incomprehensible maybe, but i am simple. arent i a normal humal being?.. i am malleable, i can fit so many roles.. then what the fuck is wrong with me?? why am i so alone???...
    i am alone. i am chronically depressed. though it may make no sense to some of you, i am. i look inside and i am dark. that dark keeps me am empty void.
    i am dark yes. i am the proverbial alone in the crowd.

    loneliness is alive, its alive within me.
    and i am and remain, alone.

    im sorry.. this is a rant, plain and simple.. may seem inexcusably self centered and self obsessed, believe you me, i am not.. im just growing so tired of this cheery facade.. smiling all the time like some grinning loon.. im just trying to make sense of myself.. filing miserably at that..
    this place is amazing.. sf.. i have found so many who truly dont care about how i look or whats been in my past.. i am understood here.. am accepted.. thank you so much for putting up with me.. i really really love you, my friends who pulled me back from letting go of things... but for the day, till i can be back, i will be alone yet again.. n thats getting harder and harder to bear with each day...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have depicted so clearly with your words the essence of loneliness well done.
  3. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    wow.. that was so clear, and brilliantly written. well done sweetie. I could really relate to what you were writing... beautiful.

    I know it's hard when you feel lonely, but you have a lot of people here who care about you a lot. And who want to help you feel less lonely, like you have done to them.

    This post is not self centred in the least, I completely understand where you are coming from. You know you can PM me whenever, and I will be here for you as much and as long for as I can ;) xx
  4. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    thanks babe.. :hug:
  5. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    perfection of lonliness,i wish i could explain my lonliness like you xx
  6. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the thoughts ahurtlilkittykat, you really nailed it right for me and I'm sure many others here. Nothing really to add, you said it all, good job.:nice:
  7. anonymoose

    anonymoose New Member

    Maybe you need to smile less, let your friends know that your hurting inside. Do you not have any close friends? Maybe your looking for an intimate relationship, or at least a deep meaningful one, is that the same thing? Just know your not alone, there are lonely people everywhere, I know that's not that much consolation...but it helps a bit.
  8. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    We don't 'put up with you' we are lucky to have you in our lives.

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