Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Not.Your.Fairytail, Mar 3, 2010.

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  1. I couldn't hate myself more than this.
    I keep hurting all these people.
    And I don't want to.

    I'm such, such a horrible person.
    If someone should disappear that someone is me.
    The way I'm feeling is almost indescribable.

    I hate that feeling.
    I hate living on my own.

    I used to think that going off and living on my own would make me face the world in a different way. That I would see things more clearly while being away from just about everyone who made my life hell. That I would become completely independent, I would start a new life. I would make new friends, new everything. I would just walk off and live everything behind.

    I enjoyed getting myself my own apartment. I even enjoyed working a little just to earn enough money to make it through the month. It kept my mind off things. My daily life became a routine:

    Wake up early, university, quick lunch, some walking around the streets -observing people-, work, then back home to study and sleep. It really kept my mind off things.

    Not for as long as I wanted it to. When I was back home and trying to sleep, it would all come back with me. Often I would wonder just what the hell I was doing, what the hell my life was about. I had made no friends, I have trouble socializing. I had zero life.

    I was lonely. I am lonely. I hate my life. That's the blantant truth.
    I hate waking up and finding no one around. I hate the feeling that I'm going to go back to an empty house.

    Yes, it's worse back home. But it's worse here too.

    I can't even clean this house anymore. I'm not motivated to do anything. I've always wanted to keep everything tidy and completely clean, but it's like my body can't handle anything anymore. I want to lie down. Just to lie down. I have no energy anymore. My legs aren't even strong enough to keep me standing anymore. I don't know why, it's just that way.

    Why is it that I have no energy to even move to the kitchen and wash the dishes after having cooked dinner for myself? It really is not that hard, but I keep thinking I'll fall down immediately if I get up. Sometimes I even think it's tiring to breathe.

    I hate seeing people around me having fun with each other. I've lost all my friends. And I hurt a lot of them. I'm the one to blame really.

    For how much longer will I have to wander around for no reason, only to come back to an empty home where I have nothing but the TV and the radio to keep me company? Oh, and probably the internet, too-. This feeling is killing me. And people just don't understand. Why would they, anyway? Really, all people love themselves the most deep inside. In the end you're asked to improve everything in your life on your own, be independant - throw away those feelings - stop being lonely - get out and live life.

    What if I just can't do that? I can't do that. I've done more than enough to try and make myself feel better. I ended up hurting people in the process. People say the meaning of life is to discover what makes you feel "complete", then you'll truly find happiness. Well, I'm so far from being complete, I haven't even found a single piece of me yet. No matter what I do and what I scream people will always think I can cope with things on my own after a while. Ha, I've tried, believe me I've tried. I went out there on my own, I entered a completely new world and went for the wild race, I forced myself to believe that it was going to be alright and I would feel happy for once in my life without it having to be one of my most annoying temporary mood swings, but it just didn't happen.

    All I know is that I can't make loneliness go away in any way. It's inside, it's outside. Outside goes for the times I'm walking outside and I see people being happy, or just when I notice that there's really no one beside me no matter how many people keep passing by. It's inside when I'm back home to express the feeling of it not being and "home". Because to me, home is supposed to be a place where you can hide from the rest of the world, somewhere you can feel safe. It's not that way for me anymore. I view home as something cold and unpleasant; reminder of my loneliness.

    I am unhappy. Always have been. I don't think I'm made for happiness. In fact, I don't even deserve it.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say I really related to your post and it helped me to know I am not alone. I woke up in the middle of the night tonight, in my own place just like you, tortured and racked by feelings of alone-ness.

    I am not sure what to say as I have no advice for myself other than you are not alone and if you would like to chat I am around...it may help our loneliness a bit to talk.

    Take care and know I will be thinking of you,
  3. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    I'm lonely and unhappy too, my sweet, but we need to realize that so much of our anguish is brought on by society. It is not who you are AT ALL. Do you understand what I'm saying? I hope we can continue the conversation.
  4. Thank you for your replies.

    Bambi, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this, but I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope everything will get better for you.

    Peacegirl, I think I understand. I cannot stand this anymore, however. I really tried helping myself but I can't. It won't stop being an empty life no matter what I do..

    It's funny actually, because when I left home I left with so many hopes and aspirations only to see them being crashed one by one. I was 17, and I thought it was going to be the best part of my life.

    It was so exciting and thrilling to visualise the new life I'd been entering. New enviroment, new house, I'd be on my own, I'd have my own house, I'd go to the university where I would make friends - oh so many nice friends, and eventually I would meet my other half and have a normal happy life just like the average normal happy person.

    It all went ridiculously wrong. I didn't arrive with no motivation, it's not that. I arrived with heck a lot of it. I had too many dreams to handle. I would look at my new town and smile, because I thought it was beautiful and it would fill me with lots and lots of happy memories. Because there's nothing better than having pleasant memories form one place. You know you've made something out of your so far tiring life.

    I remember how happy I was, when I finished decorating my apartment. I always loved decorating rooms, and I made it perfect. In fact, I felt like a princess. I managed to get a double bed with sky, it was beautiful. I felt blessed.

    I prepared everything perfectly for my new life. I dyed my hair, changed my hairstyle, changed my clothes, changed my lifestyle. I wanted to leave my old self behind. I wanted to socialize and meet people, stop being so afraid of what they might think of me.

    Why is it that no one of it worked? I managed to meet some people, but they always seemed to prefer someone else rather than me. In the end, I gave up on them. All I really got was a bunch of guys asking me out because they thought I was "hot". But I wanted nothing to do with any of them. They were disrespectful and I've had enough of that. They were just trying to get into my pants anyway. The one guy I liked had a girlfirend, so I gave up on that as well.

    The one guy I had loved just kept on threatening he will kill himself over and over while I was away, because I broke up with him. And I had to live with that burden on my shoulders every single minute and wish I wasn't born so I wouldn't bring people pain.

    I feel so ungreatful sometimes. So whiny. I hate myself for that. But I can't help but be lonely in this town that was supposed to change my life. In the end the only one I have to call from time to time is this other guy I used to go out with. I feel like I'm using him to make me feel less lonely, and I hate myself even more for that, since he said he still has feelings for me and wants to see me happy. I'm so terrible - calling him whenever I feel lonely only to remember that there's still someone out there who would want to be beside me at the moment. But he's still the only one who has ever done something like this for me; when we broke up he hugged me while I cried and told me he would always be there loving me and hoping that I will be happy.

    Most people would think I'm far from lonely. But I am. I really do not have anyone here and I cannot turn back. Because it's hard to face all the people i have hurted and I can't look at them in the eye anymore. And I can't go back to my parents because they just don't care. They haven't called me for what seems like...months. They just don't care.
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