Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Cortez, Jul 1, 2010.

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  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I always feel lonely no matter what, when I'm working, when I’m in school, when I’m around people….especially when I’m around people. I feel more lonely being around people than I do actually being by myself. I am not only lonely, but I am angry, depressed, bitter, and resentful. I feel emotions with such a passion. Whatever the emotion is I feel it to an extreme, love, hate, compassion, jealousy. But mostly I feel negative feelings. I’ve been feeling lonely for many years now. It is so painful. In the past the loneliness was brutal. I thought about killing myself just because of the loneliness. I was practically desperate to have a friend or just to talk to someone, I remember thinking I was the loneliest person in the world. My loneliness is a bit different because it comes from the many intense emotions I have, and with my feelings I feel isolated, like no one understands or feels like I do. I can’t say I'm isolated right now because I'm not. Right now I have a few “friends” but I question if it’s superficial.

    The loneliness eats me, makes me feel like I’m gonna go mad. Nobody seems to want to talk to me, not even on msn. People just don’t like me, they really don’t. All I ever do is offer my kindness to people and open myself up and ask them a lot of questions about themselves. It gets to the point where I want to be alone because I always feel humiliated after constantly being rejected by people.

    There was a time not too long ago when I spoke to no one both in real life and online. I would read books late at night to cope with my loneliness, every night until the early morning. It seems like a while ago because a lot of things have drastically changed since then. At that time I wasn’t doing nothing with my life, was not working, not in school, all I did was read and spend the whole day on the computer. When the loneliness got really bad for me I would think about the guys who are in 23 hour lock down in prison. I think that if they can survive that and not go crazy or kill themselves than I can cope with this loneliness. It’s pretty sad that I have to compare myself to someone who’s in 23 hour lock down just to make myself feel a little better.

    When I talk to people or hang out with one of the few people that I talk to I think it is more of a “quick fix” type of thing. I feel good for the time being but then later I’m right back to feeling lonely and insecure. Obviously I can’t be around people 24/7, I can’t actually be around people for too long because then feelings start arising and I no longer feel comfortable or I just had enough social interaction for the day. I am so used to being alone that I need my alone time every day. Being around people all day exhausts me.

    I just don’t want to depend on people for my happiness. What I realized is that like I mentioned before, my loneliness is not only from being alone but from my feelings, my feelings from both the present and the past, my perception of things, maybe even my mentality, which basically means I will remain lonely for as long as I am the way I am, and I don’t know how to be anything else. This is me; this is how I am and always have been. Will medication change my personality and feelings? It’s not doing it so far. I fear I will live an incredibly lonely life, and I think sometimes suicide is the best option to avoid that, besides I don’t like this world much and don’t care much for living. The only thing I see beauty in is expression/art. I find beauty in things that I can relate to. Most things that I can relate to are dark, sadness, anger, hopelessness, tragedies.

    Can anyone else relate?

    If you feel loneliness, can you describe your loneliness?
  2. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I guess no one gives a shit about loneliness, not even on a suicide forum.......fml.
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hey I care! Don't give up!!
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I have been there and loneliness is more common than you think. I used to always surround myself with people so that I wouldn't have to worry about doing something dangerous alone at home. And yes I was lonely even then. I was still lonely when I had live in boyfriends, and roomates. But there is hope my friend. You matter, and you count. There is a plan all set out for you and each and everyone of us. If you wanna know what it is all you have to do is reach out and ask. No, others cannot tell you what it is, but there is one that can. It is up to you. Blessings..
  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    That is introversion.

    You've told me that you were a naturally happy, social and carefree child so I certainly don't think you were born to be this way. You've had it hard and it's impacted on you, but you can get to the roots of your perception, and way of thinking with therapy. You have no problem with expressing your feelings so therapy will certainly work for you. Trust me, you are very lucky in this regard.

    Medication will never change your personality. It could help with the symptoms of anxiety and depression but of course it won't get rid of the reason why. Doctors have always told me that medication and therapy are used together; medication is used to clear your head in a way so therapy will be easier.

    Many non depressed or suicidal people are this way. It shows open mindedness and a certain depth as a person to see beauty in different ways.
  6. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thank you for your message :)
  7. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to this, it means a lot. Hope everything is fine with you.
  8. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I know it doesn't feel like (god do I know), but there are people who understand you pain. Too many people, in fact. It's unfortunately a common feeling for people like us.

    It hurts like hell. Sometimes the loneliness chokes me. Literally, it becomes difficult to breathe when I think about it too much. As time goes one, I feel like my grip on sanity slips just that much more. Sometimes I even want to go back to school, just so I can talk to other people (I've been traumatized in school and it's a big reason for why I'm depressed, so it's saying something).

    It could be worse, I know, but knowing that doesn't help...

    "I would think about the guys who are in 23 hour lock down in prison. I think that if they can survive that and not go crazy or kill themselves than I can cope with this loneliness"

    I don't know about killing themselves (if they're able I mean), but they do go insane. I find it to be a cruel and unusual punishment.

    As for the changing personality part, I think Aki summed it up better than I could.
  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    It's perfectly natural to look at someone who has it worse than you, and say "at least it's not that bad"
  10. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    It could just be that some aren't sure what to say to give comfort, and others haven't seen your posting until now. I can honestly say that the latter applies to me.

    For all intents and purposes, I have no one in my life. Of my two friends that I know in life, one is actually my sister's friend who has given me some attention because of her friendship with my sister...and the other friend is someone who is very special, but he is about 6 years younger than I am, and gravitates in a different world...and thus doesn't have time for me.

    I can't say that I relate to your sense of loneliness around other people because for me, when I'm around other people, I just feel excessive, profound senses of insecurity! I'm aware that I'm getting older, I'm not attractive, I'm carrying around extra weight and I have little to no sense of style...however when I'm around others, I become the oldest looking person, the fattest, ugliest person with the cheapest, worst sense of style.

    If that's not enough, I become so desperate for affirmation from others that I try to predict how they'll react to how I act or what I say even before I've said or done anything. It becomes so overwhelming that I feel constantly tired...mentally...so it's a balancing act that I just have never mastered.

    When I think about it, perhaps the way we are with other people does share some similarities. After all, you question the depth of your connection with others, and I don't question it myself...I'm convinced that I'm lacking in the depth to deal with others. And of course with both of us, being around people becomes exhaustive!

    I must admit I'm convinced that somewhere along the line, my emotional health was stunted...and the rules that applied in childhood no longer apply now. For all intents and purposes, I usually feel like I'm without hope in making this any better...it's too late.

    BUT...if you do have a couple of people who you think are friends, you should celebrate that. Trust me...I wish I could say the same.
  11. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thanks for the replies everyone.
  12. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    I absolutely, positively relate to every single thing you just said. Our lives are a mirror.
  13. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    i can basically relate to most of what you said but i'm tempted to write it all off as introversion. if you absolutely can't function correctly around people, however, that could be a bit of a problem. during the summer, i don't get out much. my friends prefer to come over to my house and that's kind of how i prefer it as well, just cuz i'm used to it. i rarely ever leave my house, let alone my room, and i think not going anywhere or getting out has a HUGE effect on your mentality, even for us introverts. you should try going outside or going somewhere for just an hour, maybe even less. you might be surprised how refreshed you feel afterward.

    "I just don’t want to depend on people for my happiness." - is that because you're afraid that they cannot be depended upon for your happiness?
  14. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Yes. I don't want to depend on anyone for my happiness, it's like setting yourself up for disappointment, I want to be able to count on myself and only myself, but I am not there yet.
  15. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    When I was at my worst with the loneliness I was severely isolated. I only spoke to my mother and no one else. I didn’t even speak to anyone online. Even though I am not in as bad of shape as I was back then I still am lonely and still feel isolated. But it seems my loneliness is different now. I talk to people now, I go out, see people, so I am definitely not alone. The sadness I felt from the loneliness turned to resentment, anger, hate, and now I mostly feel these feelings than feeling alone. All these bad feelings turned inward. How am I supposed to express these feelings without really bad consequences? What am I suppose to do, take them out on people who have nothing to do with it, my anger, hate, jealousy. That’s not something that can just be delivered without hesitation and fear. So what do I do, I keep the feelings inside. I talk to my therapist about it and a couple other people, but talking about it can only help up to a certain point, it doesn’t take the feelings away. I feel this every single day. Another thing that helps is art. Art is expression. Writing, reading, music, films, it helps cope with the feelings.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2010
  16. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    There are days where I feel unbearably lonely. I only see my friends once a week. Alone on the other days. I don't have a single contact online to chat with. I pretty much just browse the web, watch shows/movies, hunt for job, graphic/web design, and play games 95% of my free time.
  17. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Sorry to hear about your predicament, I've been there so many times. If you want you can add me on msn, it's on my profile, or you can send me a pm anytime.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2010
  18. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Now you socialise do you feel resentment anger and hate towards the people you're with because you can't connect or...? Cos it sounds like you're socialising but still lonely.
  19. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    No, the people I talk to I feel gratitude for. The few friends that I have right now make me feel less lonely. But the anger and resentment I feel is more general, like… it’s towards the world, I feel people are judgmental, shallow, vain, materialistic, I know my social anxiety plays a part in why I feel this. I feel like I can't live in this world because I am not like everybody else, like the majority of people. I've had bad past experiences where people didn’t want my friendship and any type of friendships I did have were superficial. I was looking for that deep, serious, close connection with people and didn’t find it, it made me feel alone.

    I know I am being judgmental myself towards people that are not like me (a lot of people), it’s like I can’t accept it something. But it’s really the fear that they won’t accept me that makes me sort of judge them before they judge me, like a defense mechanism. I know I can be friends with anybody and I mean anybody, as long as there is a connection and we get on. I have 2 friends that have opposite interests as me, dress differently than me, and have a different mentality on things than I do, but they are still very good friends of mine, they are both really kind and caring, so I connect with them in the ways that I can and if I can do it with them I can do it with other people.
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