Lonely and hopeless

I'm not in a good place right now...
A couple of nights ago I was going to slit my wrists with a blade I found in my step-dads drawer...but when it came to it, it was to blunt to do anything. I tried so hard.

I've had enough of all this. I would try to kill myself much more often, but I don't want to fail again. More importantly I can't get caught failing. I just know that as soon as I am free and at uni. As soon as I get the chance...I will hang myself. I have no hope left.

 

Whats the cause of these feelings?

 

Well I first started getting depressed about 5/6 years ago, and was diagnosed at age 14. I guess it started with my mum's divorce, and my step dad moving in, who was then a family friend, which was a huge adjustment, and I found it very hard to deal with.

Since then i've got the pressures of A-levels, going to university and generally all the issues of growing up. I'm scared. I really am. I've been through so much. Many friends have attempted suicide, none have succeeded as of yet, but I know that my best friend can't continue any longer.

I've also been worrying about my fiance. I started to wonder if I had fallen out of love with him. But since i've been thinking that it was just a blip, as we've been together 3 years, and the incatuation has worn off. It's been the only thing keeping me alive really. And I know that if anything goes wrong. I can't continue to live. It's not really worth the risk. I'm scared of fighting myself all the time, trying to hang on. I'm so tired and i've had enough.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

 

You don't need to feel scared.

Have you levelled off emotionally from all the changes (starting uni, your parents divorce), or do you still feel really adrift?

Why are you scared? Just jittery from being adrift, are there other reasons? Do you have real fear for your safety?

Regarding your relationship with your fiance, my experience is that relationship wax and wane -- it is an ever changing thing and reflect of course what is going on in both partners lives. There are good times, usually short bad times, and more good times again.

Could your depression be a result of your situation? Do you need things to settle down, or maybe your current combination of what makes up your daily routine is not right for you? Are you doing too many things trying to make others happy without making yourself happy?

 

I'm just really jittery from being adrift. I've never liked change at the best of times. I live on routine, and i'm going to hae to start all over again.

As for your final questions, you could be right. I always used to think of others all the time. My previous councillor told me to think of myself for once, and to some degree I do, but it doesn't seem to make much difference. I'm never really not depressed anymore, I have the occasional day where i feel 'ok' but I can't rememeber ever being truly happy since I was a young child. So yeah, I think my situation could be making my depression worse yes. My fiance thinks that i'll be a bit betetr once i've made some friends at uni, and settled in. But i'm so shy and withdrawn, I don't think I can do it.

 

ARGHHHHH I'm feeling so on edge right now. Why? I really don't know. I just know that if I hadn't have come online, that I probably would kill myself tonight. Well...at least try, because I have nothing in this f****** house that will make it certain.

I'm just fed up of the pain. And as for mine and my fiance's relationship, we're in that mature, comfortable stage with each other now, and it just feels really odd. I'm not used to being in that stage yet. I miss how it used to be.

 

Do you think that you and your fiance have gotten to the mature, comfortable stage that you speak of too fast? I hope someone in your house can put away anything you might use to harm yourself.

 

I don't know to be honest, we've been together for 3 years, and i'm as happy as I could be. I just don't really want to grow up. I've got loads of responsibility being thrown at me from all directions, and it's just piling up on me.

I will get over this yeah? I'm hoping that I just get used to our situation, because I really don't want it to end.

 

Don't rush anything, hang in there. Your fiancé is right too, you will make new friends. I'm certain, things will improve a lot for you soon.:hazel:

 

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. It's just such a stressful time at the moment, which makes it so hard to see the light...

 

Your stress is hopefully only temporary. The good and exciting are gonna be well worth waiting for. Unfortunately I forsee many hangovers for you.

 

I do hope so

 

There you go, a smile. A slight improvement already. Woohoo!.

 

Coming on here tonight really had helped me alot. It's nice to have someone else to talk to. Besides i'm useless when it comes to talking o the phone or face to face.

 

Your not useless, maybe just a bit shy. I used to be really shy, now I just can't shut up.:yay:

 

That gives me a bit more hope for the future then.
I used to be really good at it, but it just changed. And now when I speak to someone on the phone, my throat starts to close up and I can't talk. Even if it's someone I know really really well, it just feels really awkward.

 

My best friend is a bit shy, but I don't give a crap. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being shy around people. Look at you now, you just won't shut up, lol!. Your going to be fine. k:

 

Thank you

 

So it's been a few weeks. Passed my A-levels, got the grades I wanted and i'm off to uni in 2 weeks. But i'm so scared. I feel so lonely tonight, and to be totally honest I just want to top myself. Why? No idea really, maybe it's the fear I have for the future. The uncertainty perhaps.

I haven't SI'd in a few months, which is amazzing for me. But I think tonight may be the night...