Lonely and suicidal.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Dec 12, 2012.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on here for a few weeks.
    Any I want to start with a thank you for reading this.

    But I'm suicidal, I'm struggling to cope with everything. I have so many online friends who are threatening to kill themselves. The stress was so bad a year ago that I stopped eating and struggled to sleep for a while, I couldn't function properly; however these days I've managed to cope with it all, I tend to shut it out of my mind so I don't get worried. I mentioned this because I am being surrounded by children who are/have been abused, adults who are/have been abused, people who have depression, MPD, BD and BDD

    I'm so emotionally attached to some of them I can't abide the thought of leaving them. My home life is rather chaotic. My eating disorder (A mild one, Selective eating disorder) has gotten worse to the point I now only have around 6 "safe" foods, I'm struggling to fall asleep and when I do my dreams are filled with nightmares. School is getting harder, all the work is giving me really bad headaches. I have lower scores on my English tests than what I had when I was 11. (Due to my anxiety disorder I only do part time school)
    I'm addicted to self harm (Even if it's hard for anyone to believe I am) and trying not to "fall off the wagon" is extremely hard and frustrating. My father is dead as I've stated in previous threads, my mother is in debt so she's very anxious and worried. She's extremely worried about christmas even though I have explained that she does not need to buy me all these things.

    My uncle has recently been diagnosed with Graves disease, I can't talk to him about things these days, it seems like he's getting sick of hearing the exact same things.
    I have literally no one other than my friends online, I've even created my own forum and made them all my family, so I have a mother, about 12 sisters, 2 brothers, a pet and 1 uncle. I always feel at home there, I feel like I have a family.

    I'm struggling with dealing with my fathers death, I'm struggling to deal with a friend of mine betraying me. I feel resentment for myself and for many of my biological family. I feel nothing for most of my family. My half sister has been put onto antidepressants after my last 2nd suicide attempt, my half brother wants nothing to do with me nor my family and I've only met him once.
    (Sorry I am repeating my family situation so much)

    My mother seems to find it uncomfortable when I say I have a crush on a girl or comment that the men on tv she likes are "ugly" and the girls are "good looking"
    She's not homophobic, I just think that she believes with my anxiety and depression that it may make things harder for me.
    I have family mediation tomorrow and the counselor encourages me to forgive people, I've forgiven the people who killed my father oddly enough, (we don't know who they are but I believe my father made his choice to go down the bad path, e.g "lived by the sword, died by the sword", literally)
    However I can't seem forgive all my family, I accept my mothers manic depression affects her ability to cope and sometimes converse, it affects her ability to function at times and even be a parent.
    I accept that my uncle's health and mental problems are stressful and adding my stress to his situation is unhealthy and slightly selfish of me.
    I accept my sister inability to be able to cope with me situation, I can't see many 20 yr olds being able to deal with a younger sister like me.
    Even though I can accept it's the way my life is and it's the way they are, I can't forgive them. I do know it is illogical and I need to take the correct measure of blame and stop blaming everyone else and move on, but I can't.

    I just... every day I get home at around 12pm, lie in bed and just want to cry. But I can't ever cry, even when my father died I rarely cried, after the funeral I never ever thought about it or cried about it. In my opinion I had to "move on"
    I'm sick of people telling me I have to be the bigger person, I've spent so long trying to be mature about situations, studying people to understand human behavior as it confuses me, I've spent years reading peoples faces so I can understand and empathize with them.
    But now I feel like I shouldn't have. I'm sick of looking into young girls eyes and seeing self hatred, or looking into teenage boys eyes and seeing pressure. I'm sick of adults constant condescending or adults (especially my teacher) saying that as I am "emotionally intelligent enough" to be able to understand there are people with worse lives who cope with their situation and don't "sulk."

    I don't know what to do anymore.
    I just want to die, so much.
    I can't go because of my family and friends.
    But I sometimes think they would be better off without me.
    I also have an appointment in 2 days at a clinic for teenagers with mental health problems, I am "tier 3"
    Sorry that this is so long.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your teacher was wrong to say such a thing you pain and sadness should not be compared to anyone hun You deserve to be heard and to be healed as much as anyone else
    Please know that ok Perhaps taking some time off to help YOU would be wise hun. Take a leave from you work sounds like you are getting burn't out You give and give but are not getting anything back. With your studies can you drop some subjects and take them later take a lighter course load for awhile I am glad you are reaching out here hun sometimes just writing things out helps to release some of the pressure inside hugs
     
  3. Baldr

    Baldr Moderator Staff Member Safety & Support

    aww, I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble coping with all this :(
    I'm glad you came back to SF though, I was wondering where you'd gone.. :unsure:
    have you been to a clinic before, or seen other professional help?
    it may help you
     
  4. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I went when I was 11 years old, but refused to go back, I didn't like it.
    I went back again when I was 13 after my 2nd suicide attempt. They said I showed signs of "Aspergers"
    Now I'm going back because I was in "transition" of going back to a mainstream school, I stopped going and refused point blank and started self harming again so that's why I have to go back :(
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Ellie, you have a lot to carry. I would agree with TE that taking a break from your work situation would be a good temporary measure to prevent burn out hun :) Other than that, finding ways to protect your heart (thoughts and feelings) is worth focussing on. Hope that we can be of help to you in doing this :pinkrose:
     
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