Lonely, feeling better off dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by spencerisawesome, Feb 15, 2012.

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  1. spencerisawesome

    spencerisawesome New Member

    Hey. First of all, I'm sorry I'm writing this. I shouldn't write this, because even if it makes me feel better for a few minutes, I'll just go back to feeling the same way and nothing will be solved. I should be trying harder to just overcome my problems on my own. But here I am.

    I'm in a lot of pain right now. It's been this way for a while, and it's because I'm just a lovesick son of a bitch. I'm a junior in Highschool, in my second semester, and I'm sad that I've never had a girlfriend, or never kissed anyone. In my Freshman and Sophmore years, there were a few girls that liked me, but I was really depressed after Middleschool because I was the nerdy guy that people picked on and..it didn't go that well. But this year, I've been feeling a lot better and learned how to crawl out of that hole. But it seems like every girl I know has a boyfriend now. I've asked a few girls out, but always got rejected. It just seems like Highschool's the place to have fun, and I'm not having any fun. You could say I'm too obsessed with getting a girlfriend, and I probably am, but that's something I'm trying to deal with.

    One of the things that made me depressed in Middleschool was that...I'm not much of a guy. You could say I'm a lesbian chick in a guy's body. I want to think that because I'm generally a really effed up human being, and the though that maybe I was meant to be a girl my whole life... justifies things. But I've never really had the stomach for a man's life. It doesn't make sense, too much pain. I mean, it amazes me that other guys never think that maybe glitter and make up is more fun over getting into fights to prove how manly you are and being cool and hiding your feelings and emotions constantly, because that's what other guys taught me to do and I spent years thinking that was the only way I could get a girlfriend. But now I've accepted what I am, but the problem is that I feel like it still keeps me from being able to communicate with people and make friends.

    Lately I've been in a rough state. I've liked a girl who's in one of my classes. She kept breaking up with her boyfriend, and once on facebook we had a conversation and she told me that he pretty much used her. Anyway, she's a babe, and I'm someone who tends to make mistakes and be weird, and she's one of the few girls I know that's stayed friends with me even when I screw up, so she means a lot to me. But after the most recent time they broke up, I asked her out but she was busy cheerleading that weekend. She did say "maybe next weekend" and seemed like she was legit interested. Next weekend she was very sick, and still is kind of sick, but now she's been talking to her other friends about getting back together with her ex. That was yesterday. I was trying to figure out what to do. I wanted to try calling her and saying something like, "Listen, I don't know if you're like, single, or if you're getting back together with this guy. I want you to be happy. And you told me that he used you before, and in my opinion, any guy that would even think about doing something like that isn't worthy of your time." Yeah, it's a bit cheesy, but it was the only thing I could think of.

    But I decided not to do that because they've dated for almost 5 months, and if she's going to get back together with him, it just seemed like she wouldn't choose me over him because of a cheesy phonecall. I want to be cool and wait it out, because they're probably going to break up again. Maybe then I can make a move.

    But the problem I'm having lately is that I'm having a lot of anxiety. I'm having a hard time feeling postitive and not cynical, and being in school's been really difficult. I've tried talking to other people about it, including my parents, but I feel like no one really understands what I'm going through. Some people think it would be ok if I never got a girlfriend in Highschool. They're patronizing me about how "young" I am. But god dammit, I'm 17, and it shouldn't be too much to expect to kiss a girl. Ever since my Freshman year, all I've seen are guys and girls making out and talking about their relationships, all of my friends suddenly dating and ranting about how happy they are that they're dating, hanging out with me at my house and then leaving the room to spend an hour talking to their girlfriend, people talking about sex, people feeling sorry for me and talking down to me because I've never been in a relationship, and right now I feel like I can't handle it anymore.

    When I was 8, I started thinking about girls often because it made the feeling of isolation go away. Holding them, kissing them, telling them they're beautiful. Especailly when I became depressed in seventh grade, that was the thing that gave me some hope. Not whatever happens in College that's so "great", but the mushy, immature stuff too. And I can't just *skip* that, no one else I know is. But it was my dream, and now all I'm seeing is people living that dream, and living it so hard it's like they're mocking me because they'll always have something I never got to have. And it's killing me inside. It's like that dream's being slowly torn out of me. Sometimes at night I want to kiss a girl so much that it feels unatural, like I'm holding myself back from something that's essenital to my growth.

    I've seen guys before that were in their 40s and were still upset that they never had anything exciting happen to them in Highschool. And I know that I must be undateable right now with all of this sadness and desperation, but I don't know how to cope with the pain. People keep telling me to simply keep putting one foot over the other, but I'm.....I'm scared that it's never going to be ok. I'm scared that I'm going to have a scar for life. Maybe some nerdy guys are "tough" or "brave" enough to go to College without ever having their first kiss before, but I can just about guarantee you that I'm not one of them. But that's the direction that I'm going in, in a year and a half, if I can't make it happen by then. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can make it to next year.

    I'm seeing a therapist. It's a once a month thing. I have friends at my school, some of them girls, but like I said, it seems like everyone I know is already dating. I don't talk frequently because I'm obviously... just a bit self-absorbed with my own problems, and don't want other people to hear me rant about it.

    But there it is. I'm sorry I've written so much, but I didn't know where else to go to.
  2. Madsys

    Madsys Active Member

    you're not alone....and inm a girl and i totally felt myself swoon (i think thats what i mean) when u started explaining the 'cheesy' phonecall...i reckon go for it! you seem like such a nice guy that any/every girl would be so lucky to have and they're all missing it! theres so many guys out there who think they're so tough but tbh i think its just stupid! i really dont like the guys that walk around acting so tough, fighting, smoking...its horrible...i much prefer the sensitive guys who really do care! who im not just another 'chick' too. you sound like one of those guys...one that would really love and care about and appreciate a girl....i say take your chances and speak out! make that phone call! if it doesnt work then maybe shes not the right girl...i dont know and i cant sday because i dont personally know her...but i have to tell you this from my own personal experience...sometimes we (girls) get caught up with one guy and we would do anything...we will keep going back to them...but eventually we'll realize...trust me ive done this before and ive broken guys hearts...just keep trying, trust me! and dont change no matter what :0 you sound like such a brilliant person! <3 tc
  3. Madsys

    Madsys Active Member

    and im glad you wrote this post :) better out than in :p
  4. spencerisawesome

    spencerisawesome New Member

    Thanks. :smile-new: I might call her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2012
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