lonely stranger

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by space, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. space

    space Member

    Hi there,

    do you know the feeling that you are alone, that you are a stranger in your own country? God I wish I could end this feeling but I can´t. Do you know the feeling of living in the wrong place? I have that since I am 11. I live in Europe but I feel like I live in the wrong place. Since I am 11 I know where I should go to but going to this place looks almost impossible. When I was 14 I traveled to this place and it was like coming home. I felt happy for the first time in my live. But it was only a short time I could be at that place.

    I onces tried to kill myself because I had this feeling that I will be never able to go to the place where I belong to and live there. I don´t know why I can´t be happy here in Europe. I only know that I have to go to the place again because I feel home there, I am at home there. Every day I lose energy to carry on ... energy I can only recharge at this one place. It looks so impossible to get there and stay there. Why does this planet not belong to every human. Why is this world divided in countries and states. Freedom is gone...

    I guess you would like to know what place I talk about.... its North America!
    and I am 21 now
     
  2. space

    space Member

    hmm maybe I can´t be happy here in Europe because of my childhood. My father did hit me and did drunk way too much alcohol. Moving away from here would not be a running away it would be a new beginning ... but death would be a new beginning as well ... I just can´t forget what happened at this place to me ... I don´t feel home anymore ... I wish I could fell home again...
     
  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, first of all welcome to the site I hope it's some help to you. :hug:

    It's a good chance you may not feel comfortable where you live in Europe because of your childhood, having to stay around all the bad memories etc and that can effect you and leave you feeling out of place and wanting to move away. Can you move to North America to start a fresh? Or even just go back there for a few weeks to have a break? I agree, I don't see it as running away either, I consider it as a fresh start and a way for your life to get on track and for you to enjoy it. It's clear you feel comfortable in North America, I really hope that one day you can move back there.

    Death and suicide is a very big step, and I don't think it's a step you should take because life CAN get better, you need to be around to see the changes. :hug:

    Have you been to a doctor or a therapist to let them know how you're feeling, and have you spoken to anyone about your past?

    Take care of yourself, we're here for you. :hug:
     
  4. space

    space Member

    Hi, first off all thank you for your reply. Yes I have spoken to a therapist about my childhood. After my last suicide try I spoke regularly to a therapist. Thats 2 years ago now. I know life should not be wasted by committing suicide. I felt a lot better the last 2 years but now I fall back to this black empty hole .... at the moment everything turns in the wrong direction again and I lose the faith in me in God and in the World. I realized my dream and the only place I have ever been happy at becomes unreachable. I feel worse everyday ... I am really not sure how long I can carry one without a big change of scenery in my life. What do I have if I lose the last dream I have .... I guess nothing....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2007
  5. space

    space Member

    ohh I forgot to answer your question: No I have no chance to start fresh in North America. To get a work permit or visa I have to have at least a few years of working experience. I am currently doing my a-level degree and will graduate this summer. The next 8 years I will have no chance to move legally to North America. The only way to move to North America would be by getting married. But I don´t have a girl over there so thats not a possible way. So I have to wait 8 more years.....but I think that I have not the strength to carry on 8 more years at this place with all those memories...
     
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