Lonely Tuna

[Quietus]

So tonight I was playing Call of Duty, and paired up with these three guys in a round of Warzone.

They were all talking on the mic to one another and mentioning personal things about themselves to one another, because obviously they knew each other.

It felt almost intrusive, like I was listening in on a phone conversation, or something.

But I also felt... this sense of being involved? Like not as lonely, because I was in this simulation with other real people who were interacting with one another.

I guess I realized that my existence is so isolating, that I found it comforting to be listening to three guys complaining about their wives while playing a game.

I have always had this contradiction, where I craved social interaction, yet when I got it, loathed it, and yearned to get back to my little cell of solitude.

There's a lyric from a song I always liked, that goes: "I don't wanna be lonely, I just wanna be alone".

Anyone else get what I'm trying to say?

I love being alone a lot, but deep down there is this desire for communion and intimacy with someone else.

 

[may71]

A lot of people feel the same way. Including me. It can be tough to get that balance right.

I'm glad you felt at least a little sense of community with the Call of Duty guys.

 

[Legate Lanius]

I'm sorry that you had to experience playing Call of Duty: recycled warfare. I'd recommend a real game like Fallout: New Vegas (10/10), Skyrim (10/10), Hatred (10/10), Chivalry: medieval warfare (10/10), GTA V (10/10), GTA IV (10/10), Saint's row the third (10/10), can't think of any more.

On to the topic at hand: As a rule of thumb, I have rejected all romantic and friendship advances since I was born. I also feel the want for intimacy (with a gf), but it's just like any other sensation: temporary and unimportant (both the wanting and the theoretical actual experience of cuddling/hanging out with friends/ what have you). So don't go thinking you're missing out, instead use that alone time to, perhaps, cultivate a meditation habit that will release the grip of want, aversion, doubt, laziness and distraction from your being.