i dont understand why i am feeling the way i do right now. I should feel lucky to be alive, to have parents who care, to have friends at all. But i dont. And this ignorance only adds to my own self-hatred. Right now, i am in a room with so-called friends who have given up on me. They are laughing and talking amongst themselves while i am sitting in the corner feeling like shit. They're ignorance just adds to my pain, which i've told them before, yet they still ignore me just the same. But i find that i cannot stray away from these people because even though they are bad for me, if i stay away from them i will truly be alone. at least i can have some fun with them when im not in this state of mind, but it hurts to care about people so much when they do not want to deal with you when you're down. and that is where the paradox arises - i care about people so much that it is hurting me. I wish i didn't care. I wish i could just find the courage to get up and kill myself because nobody understands me. I'm sick of bitching about how much i hate my existence, because if i truly hated myself i would just kill myself right now. i'm sick of being a coward. i wish God would give me the strength to live or die.