I had an attempt last week and was hospitalised for 5 days. Everything got worse since then. I lost some of my hearing sense and i have physical pain too. Now i'm on therapy, i don't have hope for it, but i'm doing it for my family. I feel so alone. I want to cry so bad, but i can't anymore. Everyday is worse than the day before. I can't sleep. I have anxiety. I can't concentrate. I just want to be dead. I feel such a failure. The trigger of all of this is that i lost someone i love. I can't cope with that. or anything. This is too much for me. I don't have friends. My family cares, but simply we don't have communication. They are trying but it feels so fake after 25 years of indifference. Why should i keep living for the sake of others? I know there are people who have worse problems than mines, but they have hope. I would give them my life without thinking, but i can't. I'm not a monster just because i want to die, i'm tired of all the judgement. I wish someone understands. I've tried everything. Forums, meditation, motivational speeches, suicide lines, therapy, talk, talk, talk, i even have a blog about literally a 1000 things why life is awesome (in two months i barely found 20 FOR MYSELF). Nothing works. I'm exhausted. I'm ready to leave. I feel i did my time.