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Well I'm new here and really hadn't had the willpower to read through all this... I'm too depressed. First of all I'm sorry if my grammar is bad - english is not my native language.

Anyway I don't think I can take it anymore. I had a few such episodes but never this severe... I just want to lay down and stop breathing. Stupid nervous system. Can't suffocate myself. -.-' But that's why I have a gun.

A little backstory. I may be living something most people could just dream off. I'm extremely successful student finishing college in under 3 months. Have a certain job, very well payed with stimulative environment, I have great friends and both my parents, I'm healthy, just won competition in latin-american dances, look good... I have everything one could want. Except the thing that 'I' want... I'm alone in a crowd. No matter how many friends I am with I'm alone. I don't believe I'll ever have somebody to care for... Somebody to love... Somebody who would care for me... And I don't believe I deserve it. God knows I tried... I did my best and failed miserably... I either become a friend or get kicked off. I've been alone for three years now and in that time not a single girl was interested in me. Not one. Hells I'm not picky... Really I'm not... And I'm sick of standing aside while people around me are in love and kissing and enjoying each other. Something I will never have... I would trade everything I have to have that in my life... To have somebody to love, to have somebody want me in their life. I don't care for my degree, for money, for anything... I feel like shit. Undeserving of anyones love and shunned by gods of love. I don't want to be alone. It gets awfully lonely... I just want this nagging feeling to go away... I suck. I don't want to live like this but I don't want to die either... But at the moment it looks like the only option... As the link in sticky says - the pain has exceeded my capacity to cope with it... And I don't think that gunshot wound hurts more than the burning black hole I have in my heart... FFS I'm not asking for much... :(
hello and welcome!

I think that your problems are fixable, but you will probably need some help to fix them.

I guess therapy and meds are the stock answer

if you have friends but still feel alone, it sounds like you don't have any real emotional intimacy with them?

I think that being able to share things that are painful is how you get really close to someone. all to often though, people just gravitate toward what is superficially appealing to them

maybe working with a therapist would help you to learn to develop more intimacy.

I suppose you could also try communicating to one of your friends about how you really feel. It could be that they would give you some support, but idk.

so I think that things could get better for you, but you would have to work at it.

please get rid of the gun, or at least the ammo! having that around is dangerous, all too easy to do something rash. also, easy enough for the attempt to fail and end up with a serious disability.

I hope that things get better soon!
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