Long and pointless

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Silent_Peach, Dec 21, 2006.

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  1. Silent_Peach

    Silent_Peach New Member

    For as long as I can remember, I always felt that I was born wrong. I’m completely healthy, but in my mind, I’ve always felt that this body – this shell – is not what I was meant to be born into. I remember feeling that way as a small child, but I also remember believing that I would grow out of it. I never have. It never used to depress me so much, but now all my thoughts are caving in on themselves.

    I’m a 25-yr-old female, single, and living on my own. I have no real family: my mother is a drug addict that I disowned over ten years ago; and my father is completely paranoid and wary of all women, including the daughter he raised. He refuses to speak to me because of the ridiculous assumption that I have reconciled with my mother, who had betrayed us both several years ago. I have younger half-siblings who I speak to on occasion via MySpace, and an aunt whom I have not seen since I was very little and has also removed herself from the family. But that’s it. Even those few relatives that I keep in touch with barely know me. I have a few friends, but no one I can really talk to. I’ve never been in any romantic relationships, as I am extremely shy and very sensitive to negative feedback, so even the slightest burn could damage me. And anyway, men generally don’t like me. I’m not a bad-looking woman, but guys appear to be uninterested in a female who doesn’t need to be taken care of. There was one guy who I met recently who told me that he did like me a lot, and asked me if I was his… but he’s married.

    I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope, and I shouldn’t be. I have a really great career in information technology, I’m self-sufficient and responsible, I have never drank nor smoked nor done any drugs, and I generally stay away from people who are trouble. So why do I feel like a complete mediocrity? Why do I want to lay down and die whenever any sort of criticism is applied to me? It scares me how much I’ve been thinking of dying lately. I honestly can’t see myself ever being happy, because I don’t know what happy is. My family disintegrated when I was only six, my mother was a philandering coke head, my father became a recluse with a violent temper, and I was completely thrown away and left to my own with no one to love or to love me back. I’m just so tired of enduring this. The memories and the uselessness of crawling day after day through such a bleak life has left me reduced to tearing up over a keyboard. And the sad truth is, I can’t hurt myself. It is simply not in my nature to willfully cause myself harm, but it would be wonderful if someone crossed my path and killed me.

    Until then, long live the misery.
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Peach;

    Wow! You've been thru a lot of negative and frustrating things in your young life. I can't change any of those influences or circumstances, but I can be your friend and love you for who you are. I can support you and offer listening ears, embracing arms, and steady hands whenever you may need any of those things.

    Please feel free to post anywhere on the site that seems appropriate to your feelings at the time. We are a loving and compassionate lot - humble, too:rolleyes: - and having our own problems has given us a very broad and very kind perspective to the problems of others. ...it takes one to know one...

    I came to this site "accidentally" last year when I was at my lowest point and ready to end my life. I was amazed and pleased and encouraged by the quick and compassionate replies I got: someone out there cared about me!!:smile: I've made some loving friends here who I consider as real a friend as the friend who lives next door to me.

    I'm glad to make your aquaintance, SilentPeach, and welcome you to the friendliest forum anywhere!:smile:

    love and hugs,

  3. Silent_Peach

    Silent_Peach New Member

    Thank you least. I wish I could say it makes me glad to know other people know my pain, but it doesn't. I wish no one felt the way I feel. I came across the site a little while ago through wikipedia, looking up suicide. You all seem like a good bunch. It's a comfort to know that I don't have to keep things like this inside anymore. If I told anybody I knew IRL, they might freak and have me committed or something.
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Welcome Silent Peach

    The forum is a good place to let everything out. The people here are very supportive and friendly. See you around.
  5. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey welcome.im sorry for your situation.And i feel useless in that i wish i could say or do something to help ease the pain.But you are right - there are a great bunch of people here!!!Many of whom have helped me more than anyone could ever know.i was in a very difficult sitaution when i came to this site.i still am.But at least now i have friends and people to turn to and share both fun and sadness with.........that was rare in my life until recently in the past year or so.The going is still tough but this site is part of what has made such a difference for me.Part of why im still here ironically enough!!!i hope you find it helpful too.im here if ever you want to talk or just want a friend one day or whatever!!!Feel free to private message me or anything anytime.i am female too and 23.i can relate to some of what you say i think and it would always be good to hear form you anytime you need/want someone!

    Take care and hope to see you around soon!!

    Best wishes
  6. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi Peach, and welcome to SF :)

    Glad to have you with us...

    As others have said, this forum is a great place to seek support :)

    Take care, hope to see you around

  7. thinker

    thinker Guest

    Sounds rough Peach. Maybe you need to find people who are enough like you that you can talk to them and trust them. Not trust them to be perfect or 100%, but somewhat more. At least you still seem to have some clear definition of who you are. I see light at the end of your tunnel, though I don't see one at the end of mine.

    People have certain basic needs though after they've met their basic survival needs, and when you're not meeting those other needs well you will experience pain which serves as an impetus to change something. Different people meet those same needs in different ways, so as a more independent person you'll probably have a different way of doing that than someone who isn't.

    Happiness is possible if you can find a way to live in the moment of time and not worry as much about the bad things that might happen, and banish thoughts that disturb you or make you feel bad. You have to have some kind of dream you get absorbed in. Since I've been in both places I know. People who are happy are in an opposite mind-state from where we are right now. They are looking to the future and seeing happy outcomes, good experiences, and ignoring the disconfirming unhappy possible future outcomes. Whereas the other way is that you look to the future and see unhappy outcomes, painful experiences, and ignore all the disconfirming happy possible future outcomes. Neither outcome is certain, but when you are strongly focused on a specific outcome it is much more probable that that will be manifest as your future reality. Not 100% though, just far more likely.

    When I did experience happiness, the way that I thought was to monitor my thoughts day by day and minute by minute in a focused effort to realize my dreams, and I did not allow room for doubt that those dreams were attainable and worth it. You have to control and program the mind, just as you would program a computer. Even when people who are experiencing happiness are not aware of their doing this, that is what they are still doing.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. It is good that you are a self sufficient young woman despite the myriad of events that have plagued your life up to this point. I hope you are able to find support here and maybe make a few friends in the process. Take care. :hug:
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