Long, boring and self centred post.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude87, Feb 13, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I am naturally a fairly introspective person, and do enjoy reading quite a bit, especially theories regarding human nature. But on the whole I don't feel it has helped me. On the contrary it has moulded me into a selfish, neurotic, robotic dude.

    From day 1 I have been trying to improve my 'fitness'. When I was a kid I damaged my penis via masturbation.... seriously. It made me think I was a weak creature, not supposed to pass on my genes if such a thing had ‘naturally’ happened to me. I had done it to myself. I was not supposed to live, and my existence was futile. I couldn't bear the thought of it, so I became obsessed. I trained myself physically so I was stronger than others. I became obsessed with how I looked, whether or not my face was symettrical. I hated having anyone tell me what to do because I saw it as them dominating me, when I should be the one dominating them. I worked obsessively trying to find a cure for my dysfunction, which I eventually accomplished. These things gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Something to strive for so THEN, once these ‘problems’ were fixed I would get on with life.

    But in doing, life passed me by. I became robotic. I shunned genuine friendships because I didn't want anyone to ever know I was 'defective'. And even after I had ‘fixed’ everything I saw to be wrong, I still did not feel good enough. Why would anyone like a person who thinks like me?

    The ironic thing is, the path I have chosen has ultimately left me at the bottom of the food chain anyway, because social skills, genuine friendships etc which are the most important aspect of all have been neglected. Sure, I learnt how to put on a front. This served me well, and I have made many superficial acquaintances. But nobody has ever been invited inside my mind, and this makes me extremely sad. I can feign emotion to a certain extent but it is hard to feel anything when you are incessantly monitoring yourself and others during social situations. I feel so empty. And the sad thing is, no matter what I do it doesn't change. It is WHO I AM. The only reason for me to get up in the morning was to become some grandiose being. Now that I know this isn’t happening, there is no reason to do anything. I guess it was inevitable, I was either going to be a successful, ruthless jerk or a self hating failure. And I guess my punishment is that neither person was ever going to be likeable. I will always hide it. Nobody will EVER see the real me, and nor would they want to. This upsets me a lot, but there is nothing that can be done.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2008
  2. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I hope this doesn't sound cruel but you sound just like my husband. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder. He can't seem to accept that he has flaws and anyone who offers even gentle constructive criticism is seen as an attack on him or trying to dominate him. Like you it was either be ruthless and a "success" or a self hating "failure" and either way he's miserable. But the thing is he had a choice and so do you. You said you chose to be this way. Well you can also "unchoose" to be this way. But you may need help to do this since it's something that has become such a big part of who you are.

    Don't get me wrong. I don't look down on you in any way. I'd love to see you overcome these problems and live a full and happy life. That's what I wanted for my husband but in the end I had to think of my own well being. Don't think there is nothing you can do. You just have to really want to do it.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Part of being depressed is "all or nothing" thinking, which is see when you write that nobody will *ever* see the real you... it doesn't have to be that way. You *can* start over.... in fact you've already done it once in your life. You might need some support to get there, and it's gonna be hard work, but you won't always feel as sad as you feel today.

  4. Not long, pretty medium actually, not boring, I read your post twice, and not self centred; I would call it an insightful perspective on your own personality. Not something a person with Narcissistic personality traits would find easy to do.

    The other posters are pretty much right, change is good. But it’s pretty hard to change and recognise that change has occurred, especially when monitoring yourself threw a critical eye.
  5. R D Laing called it 'living under a black sun' when your all critical eye just won't take a day off.

    Try to just absorb 'things' 'stuff' peoples words gestures ect...just for a day, without analysing 'anything' just absorb it for what it is...
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.