I am naturally a fairly introspective person, and do enjoy reading quite a bit, especially theories regarding human nature. But on the whole I don't feel it has helped me. On the contrary it has moulded me into a selfish, neurotic, robotic dude.
From day 1 I have been trying to improve my 'fitness'. When I was a kid I damaged my penis via masturbation.... seriously. It made me think I was a weak creature, not supposed to pass on my genes if such a thing had ‘naturally’ happened to me. I had done it to myself. I was not supposed to live, and my existence was futile. I couldn't bear the thought of it, so I became obsessed. I trained myself physically so I was stronger than others. I became obsessed with how I looked, whether or not my face was symettrical. I hated having anyone tell me what to do because I saw it as them dominating me, when I should be the one dominating them. I worked obsessively trying to find a cure for my dysfunction, which I eventually accomplished. These things gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Something to strive for so THEN, once these ‘problems’ were fixed I would get on with life.
But in doing, life passed me by. I became robotic. I shunned genuine friendships because I didn't want anyone to ever know I was 'defective'. And even after I had ‘fixed’ everything I saw to be wrong, I still did not feel good enough. Why would anyone like a person who thinks like me?
The ironic thing is, the path I have chosen has ultimately left me at the bottom of the food chain anyway, because social skills, genuine friendships etc which are the most important aspect of all have been neglected. Sure, I learnt how to put on a front. This served me well, and I have made many superficial acquaintances. But nobody has ever been invited inside my mind, and this makes me extremely sad. I can feign emotion to a certain extent but it is hard to feel anything when you are incessantly monitoring yourself and others during social situations. I feel so empty. And the sad thing is, no matter what I do it doesn't change. It is WHO I AM. The only reason for me to get up in the morning was to become some grandiose being. Now that I know this isn’t happening, there is no reason to do anything. I guess it was inevitable, I was either going to be a successful, ruthless jerk or a self hating failure. And I guess my punishment is that neither person was ever going to be likeable. I will always hide it. Nobody will EVER see the real me, and nor would they want to. This upsets me a lot, but there is nothing that can be done.
From day 1 I have been trying to improve my 'fitness'. When I was a kid I damaged my penis via masturbation.... seriously. It made me think I was a weak creature, not supposed to pass on my genes if such a thing had ‘naturally’ happened to me. I had done it to myself. I was not supposed to live, and my existence was futile. I couldn't bear the thought of it, so I became obsessed. I trained myself physically so I was stronger than others. I became obsessed with how I looked, whether or not my face was symettrical. I hated having anyone tell me what to do because I saw it as them dominating me, when I should be the one dominating them. I worked obsessively trying to find a cure for my dysfunction, which I eventually accomplished. These things gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Something to strive for so THEN, once these ‘problems’ were fixed I would get on with life.
But in doing, life passed me by. I became robotic. I shunned genuine friendships because I didn't want anyone to ever know I was 'defective'. And even after I had ‘fixed’ everything I saw to be wrong, I still did not feel good enough. Why would anyone like a person who thinks like me?
The ironic thing is, the path I have chosen has ultimately left me at the bottom of the food chain anyway, because social skills, genuine friendships etc which are the most important aspect of all have been neglected. Sure, I learnt how to put on a front. This served me well, and I have made many superficial acquaintances. But nobody has ever been invited inside my mind, and this makes me extremely sad. I can feign emotion to a certain extent but it is hard to feel anything when you are incessantly monitoring yourself and others during social situations. I feel so empty. And the sad thing is, no matter what I do it doesn't change. It is WHO I AM. The only reason for me to get up in the morning was to become some grandiose being. Now that I know this isn’t happening, there is no reason to do anything. I guess it was inevitable, I was either going to be a successful, ruthless jerk or a self hating failure. And I guess my punishment is that neither person was ever going to be likeable. I will always hide it. Nobody will EVER see the real me, and nor would they want to. This upsets me a lot, but there is nothing that can be done.
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