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long boring shit from my head. dont waste your time.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by famous.last.words, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Juust need to rant, so...

    Im not sure what i expected from you. Im sure i didn't expect a miracle drug or some kind of cure, but maybe just a lifeline.

    you say your not sure i can face it, not sure i can take the rough ground. Maybe leaving a month then sixteen weeks will work. You want me to see you, once a week, and tell you thinks i have never told anyone. Things which break my heart to hear in my head, to see in my mind, you want me to tell you week by week? what happened to break me?

    your honest and i admire that i really do. I don't think i can do it either. I think a professional who can administer drugs would probably be better too. You say you don't think i can be cured but you think i can learn to cope better and i feel really hurt and let down. I know its stupid i really do. i know i didn't expect more and i could never expect more. Two visits and i make you my saviour. You said it was just your assessment, i expect you to be different. You are. you dont want to diagnose me or drug me up. you want to talk to me, you want to teach me how to live again.

    How can you learn that? how can you learn to live again when you have forgotten how to cope without destroying yourself? you asked me if i can cope a month on my own and like i told you, i have coped for the last 11 years on my own, why should it be any different? you say i have faced something, that i have been strong, that i have reached something. I honestly respect you and i think you right. I think i have finally reached a point where i accept this is it.

    If i live, this is all i will ever be. I cant be what i want because it is simply too late. I could try what you have suggested and trust you like i so want to but i need to understand i will only ever be making repairs, i can never replace what is gone. i can never change the past. I CAN NEVER CHANGE THE PAST. so simple, but you know, i never thought about it like that. i didnt say it to you but that made me feel so fucking angry. i want you to give me meds, i want a formal diagnosis, a new one, a better one, a true one. you wont give me that. you say it wont help and you are so right, but i had my heart set on a fairytale ending. being lablled and being saved. you wont give me that luxury because you know its bullshit. you know it wont help me dont you? you know how much i need to realise this isnt all me but im broken in someway and you wont let me have it because you font want me to fucking wallow. you want me to break or fix
  2. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    but you dont understand. you dont understand and i hope you never ever do because you are so sweet and so innocent and pure and i so want to protect you from this. you wont understand why. you think i dont want twelve weeks of comprehensive therepy from you? without a focus on how im a label? id fucking love that. i have trust you on a level i have never trusted someone in a position of power in all my years. maybe i let down my guard? maybe your really fucking good? :laugh: maybe i see so much in you i want to be.

    BUT YOU ARE RIGHT. i cannot change any of this. i thank you for that simple revelation i really do. It doesnt matter what sample im under or what drugs they give me. whatever preordained chemical faux happiness i stumble upon. because ITS ALL BULLSHIT. you are so fucking right and y'know what? it all my years of being with shrinks and psychs and all of it, of the pills and the names and the suggestions and the diagnosis's which they like to change as
    often as they change their fucking hair, it DOESNT MATTER. because im still
    broken. the pretty words and the pretty pills wont help. it wont change me.

    "as much as i want to, i cant change the past. i can only try and help you learn to cope with it".

    You cant take away the dreams.
    you cant take away the nightmares.
    you cant take away the want to die.
    you cant take away the desire to live.
    you cant take away him.
    you cant take away her.
    you cant take away it.
    you cant take away them.
    you cant take away the thoughts
    or the sadness so deep i can feel it in my bones
    the fear so real
    you are right
    no pills will cure me
    no words will help me.

    i might learn to not starve, or eat, or binge, or puke, or cut, or fuck, or cry, or get real fat, or get real thin, or drink, or drug myself.

    but this, fundermentally, will always be me.

    and my past will always be mine.

    why the fuck does that hurt more than anything.
  3. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    There is no cure and ill be honest, at first it made me smile at you and tell you i wanted. what was it? Cognitive analytical therapy. I liked the idea of twelve weeks of you telling me everything was going to be okay. the narcissist in me loved the idea of twelve solid weeks of your undivided attention. I thought maybe you would give me a nice little box to sit in, maybe some drugs which take away all the noise. Maybe you would finally be the one who said to me that it was okay to walk away from my world for a little while. maybe you would give me a room of my own for a while. maybe if i stopped pretending for a whole and told the truth the world wouldnt fall apart. maybe if i stepped away from it all then there would be something to come back to when i was better.

    But your not going to take me away. you want me to call you if i get so i cant cope but youe not going to save me. i didnt lie to you when you asked me if you thought i could make the wait. i didnt lie when you asked me about them. i didnt say much, okay. but what i said was the truth. for the first time in my whole life i told you i didnt know if i could make it through the week. i said id try, but i didnt lie to you. i think you sort of respected me too. You could of told me you would make it all better but you didnt and i really do that you for that.

    i think maybe if i could be you then it would be okay.

    I dont think i could tell you anymore. i would of, it would of maybe helped you too. but i cant. i wont make it hun. im sorry.
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: I can relate.
  5. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    thank you, that means more than you realise :hug:
  6. hugs tight
    i know you find it hard to talk, but im always here honey, no matter what.
  7. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    thank you so much sweety