Long distance relationships....

[Survivorist]

I do not know if this is interesting or concerning you - but I have made horrible experiences with long distance relationships. The not knowing, the missing contact (although agreed), the feelings you might have - and the depressions it can cause. I have gone through this now three times - never again.

- Excuses to not communicate (I heard telephone forgotten, internet down, telephone not charged etc.)
- Relationship feels different (she/he will not even pick you up from the airport, you have no keys, you can only come if you say so...)
- Stopped scheduling time to see one another (either this, or you find yourself in the situation thats actually only you who always travels)
- You don't know any of their family or close friends (especially friends, going over the weekend, making tours to other countries)
- They've started leaving you out of their plans (less and less talks about an eventual future - its getting more and more independent and egoistic)
- They're more or less affectionate than usual (this is a bad sign, especially is less affection than usual)
- They make more critics than normal (on phone schedule, on visits, on money, vacation...)

It is funny (or sad) to realize, that in any relation one partner is always loving more than the other - or love might be different and differently shown. The one who loves more is really fucked. I had once such a relation and was madly in love. She visited me 4 times, I visited her 150 times in 5 different countries). It took me years to come over it - and it took me a long time to end it. And that is the only "good" point I can say - I finished it after a breakdown and could no more. And I did it in a brutal way.

Finding people or a partner you can really trust, love and rely on is really a gift - and its not often. But experiences like this never leave you - and if you live in a relationship the slightest sign of above will immediately trigger something in your head - although its not true. The above relation destroyed me - and its only due to Ibogaine I got the power to make finally order in my life. And she suffered very much - as she owed me a shitload of money - and I requested repayment.

Anybody with similar problems?I live for the moment separated from my partner - but it will be solved now in the next few months. Another thing is - even if you talk often (even sometimes per day), you will be alone. Not a nice thing.

 

[1Lefty]

I'm glad you've written about your experiences
I'm sorry that they haven't been better
I wish I had more relevant comments
I wish you the best

peace

 

[LumberJack]

I’m very sorry for the experiences you’ve had with long distance relationships. I was in a long distance relationship with my partner before, but it was a healthy love between us.

He was a foreign student in the USA when we met. I was an undergraduate at the time and he was doing his masters degree in engineering. He went on to PhD, and took as long as possible so that we could be together. We both knew he would have to return to Thailand eventually.

It was the Thai government paying for the school. The idea being that the government would send employees to school in more developed countries, and the agreement was to return and work for the government, and this is how the government would get a return on the financial investment.

I tried to get a job in Thailand, but it didn’t pan out. I tried a few things and even got advice from other expats in Bangkok. So I really worked at it, but really the main way for a US citizen to work in Bangkok is to be placed there by an international company, and that is not feasible, especially on a deadline. Since that plan fell through, we had to decide whether to break it off or keep a long distance relationship.

He was more independent than me, so he was fine either way. I was not, and the thought of losing him terrified me. So we ended up living literally halfway across the world from each other. That’s not exaggerating; if you pick up a globe and put one finger on Denver and the other on Bangkok, you’ll be able to hold the globe easily because the two points are equidistant from each other going west, or east.

We did end up seeing each other for about 4 weeks per year. I spent 2 weeks in Bangkok with him, and he came to the US on vacation for two weeks six months later. We rotated like that for about 5 years, but then he got sick, which is another story.

I would not ever recommend a long distance relationship to anyone after this, and I would never do it again. If someone I cared about was considering it, I would do everything I could to persuade them not to.

I have no regrets, though. I love him so much that I was holding off on suicide just for him. I am glad for the time we had, and the time we spent in Bangkok was a fantastic travel experience that I am privileged to have had. He wanted me to have an American boyfriend, though, because we both would cry at the airport when we had to part again.

I skipped over a lot for brevity, but I would answer most questions about it.

 

[LumberJack]

Finding people or a partner you can really trust, love and rely on is really a gift - and it’s not often.

I agree. The relationship between me and my partner was very rare and I recognize that it was very lucky for us to have each other. This being said, we had to build the relationship, meaning that it didn’t just happen.

I forget where I learned this, but it helped us very much to know that there are 3 sides to every monogamous relationship. There’s your side, your partner’s side, and then there’s the relationship itself. We had to balance all three to grow our relationship into an enduring love story. If these sides become unbalanced, the relationship becomes unstable.

In fact, it’s a known phenomenon that in many cases of an addicted partner with a non addicted partner, the relationship falls apart when the addict starts recovering. This throws off all sorts of dynamics in the relationship, and unless the other person also starts working on their own issues, the addict in recovery naturally grows away from the relationship itself.

 

[Survivorist]

@LumberJack
You are completely right. In my case it is kind of equal: my partner war a poor African widow, I met 16 years ago when I started to work in Chad. I hired her first as cleaning lady, then she started to do everything (paying bills, buying tickets etc.) and I started to help her a little - to get her own house, building a shop and a kind of food delivery to the Embassy. When it was time for me to leave (to South Sudan), she followed me two months later. And ever since we have been together - unless I went to countries where she could not get a visa. We hare like car and dog, heat and cold - but we harmonize. I help her, she helps me. Its now years I have not even thought to cheat on her. Downside is, we are now separated since 2,5 years and have only seen each other 3 times. But it looks good - if all goes well, she can come to Spain around February and stay. We just have to request permission - and I know now how to do. But we are in constant contact - every day multiple times (WhatsApp, photos etc.). I am very happy that both of her children, who never knew her father are now studying in France. The last one just left 3 weeks ago - to become midwife. The son is already there since 4 years - will become specialized doctor.
But I had long distance relationships, which did not work out - one divorce and one separation in the worst condition, you can imagine.

I believe that communication, trust, love - that is a good basis.

And it took me long to learn this. Well, have a nice WE hombre.

 

[Dante]

Im sorry to hear about you past troubles. I agree the majority of relationships wont survive long distance. A truly equal and loving and lasting relationship is in the minority of all relationships and if you hold out for one you will be alone for much of your life.

Even if you (like me) do hold out and end up in a loving and equal relationship, long distance STILL sucks, because as you said, you are still alone much of the time. We have been long distance for over a month, and dispite daily contact, its still hard to be apart.

Any long distance relationship should only be with an end date in mind for that distance. If you arent making plans or already made plans for when you will be together again for good, then I think the relationship should end there.

Bust as you said, you have plans in mind for February, and your relationship has endured long distance for 2.5 years. Any relationship that lasts that is special.

I believe that communication, trust, love - that is a good basis.

Amen. I think thats the only basis of a healthy relationship. If any one of those is missing, it wont last.

 

[may71]

I skipped over a lot for brevity, but I would answer most questions about it.

There's no need to be brief. Would you like to tell the whole story?