Long intro skip if allergic to walls of text XD

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Soul of a Dragon, Jul 28, 2010.

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  1. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Alright I joined the crew!
    This is going to be long, I just feel like I need to get into details so you can understand my situation better.
    Oh I may come across as a dick at some places, be warned I watched a lot of "Its always sunny in Philadelphia" to calm myself down when the depression hit the fan. That influenced my choice of words allot haha XD

    So I am 21 years old yay! Live in Norway, born in Latvia. Have been living in Poland. You wonder how Ive traveled around so much? Basically my whorish mother would fuck around with weird people to provide food for us, I remember living in student flats with her being a lone mother. Yeah eating scraps was epic win at the time jam was a luxury.

    Yeah as a child I would see my mother always in conflict with her ugly sponsors, then one guy she actually married. He became my stepfather, he left us at some point. Then came back o_O, whatever. Anyway he was Polish, I am originally half Latvian half Russian and then there is shitload of mix on my grandparents side so I am basically gypsy. Born in the year of the Dragon I was always in the center of attention in school, born leader dominating shit on my way. Because of all the traveling I never really made any real friends.

    Shit was always crazy for me, but I learned to lock myself into a shell that nothing could penetrate. Like there would be dishes flying as my mothers boyfriend would be choking her to death, and I would sit calmly at the PC drifting away in a fantasy world. While in Latvia I had a couple of girlfriends, those were by no means real relationships.

    The shit really hit the fan when we moved to Norway I was 16 or 17 by the time, I didn't even flinch when i was asked to move to Norway. I was so sick of my bullshit country with the bullshit criminals on every corner and bums in every trash container. So yeah Norway, what a retard country it proved to be. I was always fascinated with human thinking, I was pleasantly surprised by Norwegians greeting and smiling at each other at the shops lawl. It all proved to be fake though, the most fake people I have ever encountered.

    At first I went to a school where they would teach me Norwegian and prepare me for high school, that was probably best time of my life! I mean literally in that school there were kids from any country of the world, table tennis and football was the game at the school! I still remember how people would trade funny/rude words in different languages. It would be "Puta!" from the Chille peepz and "Spierdalaj!" from the Polisz XD. And if the Italians joined the hand articulating could not be stopped!

    On my second year at school I met my first real Love, major cause of my depression later. At first everything went fine but then of course my Stepfather divorced my Mother, at witch point I lost any financing to go to school and actually survive. I managed to get a job witch didn't last long because of greedy and evil nature of my boss.

    This is where the problems begin, so my Mother did not start learning Norwegian until now, because the fag stepfather would not let her or something, oh yeah they broke up because he was threatening to kill her and apparently choked her really badly. I am still confused how they managed to do that so quiet at night, I mean I was 18 then If shit like that would be going down I would woop both of their asses. But I was sound asleep, when the goddamn retards Norwegian cops busted in my room with their flashlight asking me if I am banging my sister witch was my gf sleeping with me in my bed.

    I took my mother to the police station and helped her with legal issues and shit, also I decided to drop school, get a job and help her out. Sounds all noble and shit right? WRONG! Fucking economic crisis hit the city and I am struggling to find a job, I am half ass good at Norwegian after living here for 2 years I know nothing of the local law I know no one, I am alone to sweep the shit up. So with help of my gf witch is a refugee from Burma so she was in same class with me just in different group, together we manage to get the social-workers to help us get an apartment me my mom and my gf.

    Can you feel the cracks forming? Yeah the things went wild with drama over crazy shit with my mom and my gf living under the same roof, jobless I took every opportunity at anything to earn cash. To cut this story a bit shorter I ended up a qualified Guard, but I still didn't manage to get a stable job. We had some fights with my girlfriend then she said she wants to live with her parents for a bit, after 1 month I tell her I still Love her I want to be with her. She answers with "I am not in love" and "I want to be friends", in 2 months I may face being thrown out of the country seeing as my staying permission has ended and I am jobless.

    I have no real friends in Norway, I have no friends in my homeland. My heart is broken, I can't sleep longer than 10 minutes because I just shake when I remember her. Its like 1month ago I was holding her in my arms and now its just a fantasy witch i wake up from in cold sweat shaking like a (insert shaking thingie word here). I hate my mother because shes a big part why my gf left. I feel like a looser with no future, I have nowhere to go nowhere to hide. The world is a mess, people are getting programmed to do drugs, alcohol and sex, religious parties cannot unite. My love has turned her back on me and without her I have no point in life.

    I am bound by no religion i believe in 1 god and all religions are right, peace. R.I.P. 2Pac you tried.
    P.S. I am not only into rap I listen to all good music with point and soul put into it.

    I am off to my Voluntary work doing bike repairs and helping kinder gardens with stuff, will check on this thread at lunch I guess :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2010
  2. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    Dude I'm having such a allergic reaction I might need one of those eppy pens

    I stopped after a couple words.
     
  3. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    its ok I don't judge people, not my job XD

    Anyway fuck this shit, new plan. Ive been going 120% lately its time to hit this shit overdrive! I am going 300%!!! Getting a job, getting apartment, bombarding my love with insane amounts of presents. Stealing her, marrying and going phase 2.
    Since the goddamn mountain wont come to me I will move the goddamn mountain myself. Fuck this negative shit, where is my RedBull?!?! I've got a lot of small stones to carry.
    After all actions speak louder than words.
    This female is underestimating my willpower I will fucking fight for this Love!
     
  4. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    No edit mode or am I blind???
    Anyway, got burned. Confronted my Love and got rejected payback style for all the bad I did to her. I don't blame her, I am just a bum with nothing to bring to the table except myself.
    Depression, self-blame where are you? I am ready! I did this to myself I guess, pathetic idiot.
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It sounds like life has not dealt you a kind hand and has been hard for you right from the word go. You sound like an inherently decent person who has always tried their hardest and done their best. I'm sorry things went wrong with your girlfriend. I guess right now you need to grieve for her which is incredibly painful.

    I hope you can find some comfort and whatever else you are looking for here.

    Take care


    (PS- the edit function is only there for a very short amount of time- maybe 2 hours or something- can't remember exactly how long).
     
  6. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Cannot concentrate on anything, haven't slept normally in a week. Lying down in bed in cold sweat trying to take my mind off with TV, my mind is flying so fast I cannot keep up with it. How do I find peace with myself when I cannot forgive myself???
    (It's taking me ages to write this I have lost my way with the keyboard =-.-=). When I asked my girlfriend what is she living for, she said herself. How the fuck do I get into that kind of mindset? Because I don't care about myself, and without caring about anyone I have lost any reason in life.
     
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hae you been to a doc or anything and told them how bad you're feeling?

    You can find a purpose or a reason. Sometimes volunteer work where you know you are really important can make a huge difference. You've always looked after others and been at the mercy of others and so learning to look after and focus on yourself is going to be a huge challenge. hopefully as you build seflesteem and confidence you can get there though.
     
  8. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Shit! I am afraid to sleep, I have to go to sleep soon because I have places to be. But every time I close my eyes I see her, its like I am having nonstop jump scares. I actually jump or shake when I see her, emotions take over me and I start praying, thinking, crying, dying, punching, pulling my hair, bleeding from my nose, having headache. In no particular order of course XD
    Fucked up...
    Haven't ate all day either so thats gonna be a problem. Considering knocking myself out just to get some sleep hahaha. I am trying to make fun of the situation, but its not really helping.
    At moments I feel so empty I think my soul has left me.
     
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