Long introduction

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by raincloud, Sep 28, 2009.

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  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I am a 31-year-old female and my life is ridiculously complicated. I don't know how much more I can stand. I have had a lot of random illnesses my whole life, and many seem to be undiagnosable. I am completely broke and I am losing my home and my car. I have no family (everyone I'm related to is either dead, crazy, evil, or lives on another continent). I'm also very introverted and don't have many close friends. I have no income, either, and I no longer have the energy to be resourceful. I have been trying to find a job for six years and until recently I haven't given up. I've had a few low-wage temp jobs here and there, but few steady things. I had one permanent job where I was a victim of workplace bullying (I walked away after six months of humiliation), and then another where I got fired just a few hours after I expressed discontent about the way I was openly mocked when I tried to get a promotion. Other than that, it's just been awful low-wage temp jobs and I can't do it anymore. I've even walked off my last two temp jobs because I get overwhelmed with customer-service crappiness. I have a master's degree and should be able to get a better job!

    The past few months have been particularly brutal. Two of my friends have died recently, I lived a month without electricity, I was assaulted during the commission of a car repossession (I got the car back but am about to lose it again), I keep getting horrible respiratory infections, and I just keep getting into BAD situations that just don't happen to normal people. I've stopped looking for jobs because I just can't take it anymore. I've applied for well over 600 jobs and I've been rejected well over 600 times. You name it, I've probably applied for it and been rejected. I've read many books on interview technique, I've been to resume workshops, I do not have a criminal record. I wear suits, I'm charming...but I always hear "I'm sorry, but we found someone with more experience." I'm just really tired of fighting. I have nothing left and I'm genuinely sick and can't fight this anymore. I can't afford my medications (anti-depressants, thyroid drugs, metformin, asthma inhaler, and prescription iron) so I go without. My medical bills are crazy. I had to have surgery 3 years ago and I'm still paying for it. I can't pay my student loans, either.

    When I was 10 years old my hair stopped growing (not completely) and I'm about 75% bald. I wear wigs and I'm VERY self-conscious about it and having a roommate is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine. I was bullied and physically beaten all through junior high because I was fat and was going bald. My parents wouldn't even take me to a doctor citing that it was "just cosmetic" and "not a real problem." I've NEVER recovered. In fact the workplace bullying situation I mentioned earlier was when I worked at a hair replacement salon. I definitely think that my baldness was a factor in the bullying.

    I might be able to stay with a friend for a while, but she won't let me take my cat, and my cat is the only thing I have left in this world. I know that sounds silly, but I've had her 14 years, she's old, and she's really all I've got. My family abused and abandoned me, but this cat has been there.

    I won't even have a car to live in. I don't know why things are like this for me, but now I feel like I couldn't even handle a job if I got one. I have many regrets. Anyway, I honestly feel like I'm going to die. Not a day goes by that I don't think of shaving my head and robbing a bank so that I can get arrested and not worry about my wig being discovered. I want to be healthy and I want to work, but it seems like the world just doesn't want me.

    Sorry this has been such a long introduction, but I thought I'd get all that out in one swoop. There's more, of course, but I don't want to be too obnoxious. I look forward to getting to know you guys.
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member


    I think you must be an incredibly brave person to have all that happening and still be fighting. And well done for posting so honestly. I hope you get lots of support and advice too (I'm in the wrong country to give you any ideas as to what to do practically about finding place to live.)

    You know the thing that most touched me about your story was your caring about your cat. That says so much about you.

    Welcome to the forum.

  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF. From your post is appears you've been under a doctor's care for awhile. Have you applied for SSI?
  4. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

  5. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum :)

    it sounds like you have been having a really bad time of it. hopefully things will come together and that talking here will help you out :hug:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF :) I hope we can help x
  7. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I'm applying for SSI now, but I only started applying a couple of weeks ago. I think it takes a few months, and I have a lot to do yet. I'm not sure if my doctor will be on board. I almost never have health insurance, so if I see a doctor once a year, it's a miracle. My doctor has no idea how I'm doing. I don't have any money, and my doctor is an expensive specialist and I don't even think I can get through the doors to see him. The state won't help me because I have no children. I can probably get SSI for depression, but not for whatever else is wrong with me. My hands and face are really swollen. My joints ache. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, but that's pretty much it. I was also diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, but I think that was a false diagnosis (my hormones are fine, I just had freaky high insulin which I don't even have anymore). There's something wrong with me that isn't my thyroid. I think I might even need genetic testing. There are just too many things about me that aren't right and no one has been able to explain them. I'm very short with a VERY large bone structure, the tiniest hands you've ever seen on an adult, swollen, and mostly bald. I've been to 16 different doctors about my hair alone, and they have never been able to give me a diagnosis or reason. Even my scalp biopsy was inconclusive (which happens about 30% of the time). My endocrinologists say it's not my thyroid. First of all, my levels are normal, and even elderly women who have been hypothyroid most of their lives have MUCH more hair than I do.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I hope you are able to get onto SSI and relieve some of the pressure you are under. We will support you the best we can. please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You should try to come up with the money for one visit to your doctor so you can get a letter from him stating your problems with depression.. It helps the SSI process if you have letters from any doctors that you can get..I hope this will help you expidite your SSI process..Welcome to the forums!!
  10. NothingMan

    NothingMan Member

    Wow , you have been through some rough stuff and I really feel for you :hugtackles: I"m not sure I would have made it through all of that . Have you considered leaving the area ? I know it's tough to move but a change of scenery and a new town could give you a fresh start . I think you need to focus on your health conditions and I may have some ideas for you . I"ve read a lot about natural approaches to some of the issues you are having but I"m not a doctor . A friend of mine is and he does address a persons endocrine system issues first when they are sick like you are . Finding a good naturopathic doctor I think is a must for you and when you explain your situation and meet with them there is a good chance they'll work with you . You may not be nearly as sick as you feel and could need some hormonal tinkering here and there . You probably also have some food allergies and you can help yourself if you start omitting the bad stuff from your diet . You'll have to take the helm on that one because you're in charge of your own diet . There are a number of additives that are widely used in our mass produced foods now that alter the function of the thyroid such as soybean products , peanut products , bromates used in breads (all goitrogenic) plus natural raw foods such as broccoli , brussel sprouts and even strawberries ! Google goitrogens and see what you find . I also suspect that you could have some molds and /or various yeasts that have taken up residence in your body as well . Microscopic organisms see us as just another pond except that we walk upright. These are just a few of my ideas and I'll be willing to give you more if you're interested . Hope my response wasn't too long ! Hang in there because you're tougher than you think you are and there is hope .:IrishDoll:
  11. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to Sf =]
  12. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    wow you have been through so much, and you made it through. if you can get through all that, you'll make it. i wish you all the best and let us know what happens.

    welcome to the forum by the way.
  13. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the info NothingMan. I actually do want to move and have wanted to for years, but I haven't had the financial resources to. As I write this I have $7 to my name. For that same reason, I don't have much control over my diet, as I rely completely on food banks. I'm applying for food stamps but they're making it difficult for me.

    Like you said, I probably do have some kind of wheat allergy, but I can't even begin to address that for a while :( I also eat too much soy. I find meat disgusting so I end up turning to soy a lot. I didn't know about the other foods you mentioned, but I'd read that I should stay away from soy. I love tofu! Argh! I really just need a lot of help.

    Even my doc told me I should probably see a naturopath. His exact words were "You might want to go see one of those naturopath doctors because, quite frankly, Western medicine has failed you."

    I have dual US/UK citizenship, and I would love to move to the UK but I can't even afford a ticket out there. It's so frustrating.
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