I've been wanting to write this for awhile. Just haven't brought myself to actually sit down and type. I haven't been able to sleep. I've tried. I'm so tired, i'm actually fighting to stay awake but as soon as i lay down .... BANG! 101 thought come whizzing into my head. My mind. body. heart and soul feel destroyed. I spent years trying to work out who i was. The last few years i started to figure it out. I actually started to like who i was. Now ...... i don't have a clue who i am. I feel lost. Everythings completely destroyed. My mind is such a mess. Urgh ... i'm trying to write but i just can't get it out. I need to get it out. I don't feel able to talk to anyone anymore. All trust i have is gone. Okay there is a few people i trust. People that i would trust with my life but their not people i open up to. I never have opened up to them. We might be close, we might joke about but in reality they know nothing about me. Every thing is starting to piss me off lately. I mean extremely piss me off. Situations. People. Life. They way people act. I'm just so easily pissed off right now and thats pissing me off even more! The littlest things can piss me off lately. I don't feel welcome anywhere. I feel a burden to people when im talking to them. Like in the way. I don't even feel welcome here and because of that i've been thinking about stepping down as staff and completely leaving the forum. I don't know how i could survive without this place but i don't feel comfortable here anymore. Not able to post about things. Not able to be .... me. It's so fucked up. Funerals one Wednesday. I think its weird for me that i haven't cried about it yet. Someone said maybe its because i knew it was coming? Maybe after their right. I mean after Mim i felt a complete mess. I've never experienced shock like that or grief for a matter of fact. Yeah i've lost people in my family but i was too young then to understand what was going on. Apparently theres gonna be a lot of people going to the funeral, a few people from round this area too. to top it off its gonna be at a place that affects me a lot. I was dreading it being at that place, just from memories of that day. My minds a blur when it comes to that day. All i really remember is my mum in floods of tears, me in tears. Me holding my mums hand and then holding Sam's and then Jean trying to comfort my mum. I was squeezing so hard. I don't think i've ever seen my mum so upset. Then she said those words. Words that will be etched on my mind forever. Maybe its a good thing its taking place there? I mean its a beautiful place. The area i live is beautiful. It's one of the most beautiful places she could be in my opinion. Something about it there is just so peaceful. I have family scattered in the crem. John has a plaque there. It's where i want to have my funeral. I just hope that they will look after her now. At least shes not in any more pain now. Guess i just gotta think of it like that. I've been thinking about a few things lately. Major life changes. That job i've always wanted and how im so fucking crap that i would never be able to go after it. I would never be good enough for something like that. I've left my house like twice in 2 weeks, how the hell am i gonna go for something like that. I've gotta go out today and to be perfectly honest im scared. really scared. I haven't felt like this in awhile about going out. I use to be really bad about going out but it got better. Now it feels like i'm slipping again. Thinking about people. What i feel. What i think. What i want. I let it bother me and it shouldn't. I like them .... it shouldn't bother me. It's not right. Been thinking about S, B and M. Been thinking about Dad aswell. Is that bad? To still think about him? I hate him. I hate him for what he did. I hate everything about him and i hate myself because he will always be apart of me. He will always be there. Was it something i did? Did i make him angry? Did the fact that i was concieved make him more angry? It must of done if he did that. Did i deserve it? Did i deserve to loose my father? I don't even know if he's alive or dead. Last i heard he got married and had some kids. What did they do that i didn't? I was his first child. His little girl. Did me and S deserve that? The Martin came along. He turned out to be an arsehole too. What is it with people? He won't take care of his child either. Would rather just beat on people to make themselfs feel better about themselfs because their too fucking pathetic to do anything. Yeah i'm one of them. Truthfully i hate myself for the way i acted that night. I hate that i lost it like that, i've always known i cabable of loosing my tempter big time, thats why i always resorted to punching doors or walls. To the point where i've BADLY bruised my hand, not being able to move it and very nearly breaking it. But i've NEVER lost it like that and i truely scared myself on how i acted and the scariest part is that i think i could of lost it even more. I completely lost control. Worst part is .... that i think i could loose it again. I don't want to. I don't like who my anger turns me into. I try to walk away from fights because i know it turns me into something so nasty. I'm a shadow of him. I hate it. I did have a number for Sue. I rang it once. A girl answered. She must of been 14 - 17 maybe older. I still wonder who that girl was. Was she family? Why the fuck did i call? Sue's not gonna give a shit. Her brother ... my dad never. Why the hell would she would she. I managed to fuck up phone book and fucked up her number. Know i don't have it. S wants to get in contact with her. I really don't know how i feel about it. I don't get why he wants to get in contact with him. He hates him just as much as i do. If not more. I guess it's cos hes younger? He was only a baby when we had to leave. If he gets in contact i'm gonna have to be involved wether i like it or not. I just don't know what i feel about it anymore. I'm thinking about starting my meds again tomorrow. I've only just started to think about it. I know i haven't been great without them but i'm here .... doesn't that mean something? I don't know. Maybe i'll think about it for another week and then decide what to do. I don't wanna spend my life depending on a little pill. What use is that. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.