Long-ish random rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I've been wanting to write this for awhile. Just haven't brought myself to actually sit down and type. I haven't been able to sleep. I've tried. I'm so tired, i'm actually fighting to stay awake but as soon as i lay down .... BANG! 101 thought come whizzing into my head.

    My mind. body. heart and soul feel destroyed. I spent years trying to work out who i was. The last few years i started to figure it out. I actually started to like who i was. Now ...... i don't have a clue who i am. I feel lost. Everythings completely destroyed. My mind is such a mess.

    Urgh ... i'm trying to write but i just can't get it out. I need to get it out. I don't feel able to talk to anyone anymore. All trust i have is gone. Okay there is a few people i trust. People that i would trust with my life but their not people i open up to. I never have opened up to them. We might be close, we might joke about but in reality they know nothing about me.

    Every thing is starting to piss me off lately. I mean extremely piss me off. Situations. People. Life. They way people act. I'm just so easily pissed off right now and thats pissing me off even more! The littlest things can piss me off lately.

    I don't feel welcome anywhere. I feel a burden to people when im talking to them. Like in the way. I don't even feel welcome here and because of that i've been thinking about stepping down as staff and completely leaving the forum. I don't know how i could survive without this place but i don't feel comfortable here anymore. Not able to post about things. Not able to be .... me. It's so fucked up.

    Funerals one Wednesday. I think its weird for me that i haven't cried about it yet. Someone said maybe its because i knew it was coming? Maybe after their right. I mean after Mim i felt a complete mess. I've never experienced shock like that or grief for a matter of fact. Yeah i've lost people in my family but i was too young then to understand what was going on. Apparently theres gonna be a lot of people going to the funeral, a few people from round this area too. to top it off its gonna be at a place that affects me a lot. I was dreading it being at that place, just from memories of that day. My minds a blur when it comes to that day. All i really remember is my mum in floods of tears, me in tears. Me holding my mums hand and then holding Sam's and then Jean trying to comfort my mum. I was squeezing so hard. I don't think i've ever seen my mum so upset. Then she said those words. Words that will be etched on my mind forever.

    Maybe its a good thing its taking place there? I mean its a beautiful place. The area i live is beautiful. It's one of the most beautiful places she could be in my opinion. Something about it there is just so peaceful. I have family scattered in the crem. John has a plaque there. It's where i want to have my funeral. I just hope that they will look after her now. At least shes not in any more pain now. Guess i just gotta think of it like that.

    I've been thinking about a few things lately. Major life changes. That job i've always wanted and how im so fucking crap that i would never be able to go after it. I would never be good enough for something like that. I've left my house like twice in 2 weeks, how the hell am i gonna go for something like that. I've gotta go out today and to be perfectly honest im scared. really scared. I haven't felt like this in awhile about going out. I use to be really bad about going out but it got better. Now it feels like i'm slipping again.

    Thinking about people. What i feel. What i think. What i want. I let it bother me and it shouldn't. I like them .... it shouldn't bother me. It's not right.

    Been thinking about S, B and M.

    Been thinking about Dad aswell. Is that bad? To still think about him? I hate him. I hate him for what he did. I hate everything about him and i hate myself because he will always be apart of me. He will always be there. Was it something i did? Did i make him angry? Did the fact that i was concieved make him more angry? It must of done if he did that. Did i deserve it? Did i deserve to loose my father? I don't even know if he's alive or dead. Last i heard he got married and had some kids. What did they do that i didn't? I was his first child. His little girl. Did me and S deserve that? The Martin came along. He turned out to be an arsehole too. What is it with people? He won't take care of his child either. Would rather just beat on people to make themselfs feel better about themselfs because their too fucking pathetic to do anything. Yeah i'm one of them. Truthfully i hate myself for the way i acted that night. I hate that i lost it like that, i've always known i cabable of loosing my tempter big time, thats why i always resorted to punching doors or walls. To the point where i've BADLY bruised my hand, not being able to move it and very nearly breaking it. But i've NEVER lost it like that and i truely scared myself on how i acted and the scariest part is that i think i could of lost it even more. I completely lost control. Worst part is .... that i think i could loose it again. I don't want to. I don't like who my anger turns me into. I try to walk away from fights because i know it turns me into something so nasty. I'm a shadow of him. I hate it.

    I did have a number for Sue. I rang it once. A girl answered. She must of been 14 - 17 maybe older. I still wonder who that girl was. Was she family? Why the fuck did i call? Sue's not gonna give a shit. Her brother ... my dad never. Why the hell would she would she. I managed to fuck up phone book and fucked up her number. Know i don't have it. S wants to get in contact with her. I really don't know how i feel about it. I don't get why he wants to get in contact with him. He hates him just as much as i do. If not more. I guess it's cos hes younger? He was only a baby when we had to leave. If he gets in contact i'm gonna have to be involved wether i like it or not. I just don't know what i feel about it anymore.

    I'm thinking about starting my meds again tomorrow. I've only just started to think about it. I know i haven't been great without them but i'm here .... doesn't that mean something? I don't know. Maybe i'll think about it for another week and then decide what to do. I don't wanna spend my life depending on a little pill. What use is that. I don't know.

    I don't know anything anymore.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2009
  2. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    Hi Vikki :)
    first of, I am glad you wrote it; specially as you wanted to to it for a while,
    than it surelly was something important to you.

    I became a mod here very quick, and was glad I could help people around,
    I mean in general give people some atention; get them off suicidal thoughts, etc.
    But at some moment, I felt like I really don't believe in what Im "preaching", I wanted to tell people no, it doesnt get any better, I want a method myself, etc:

    I read a few familiar things in there:
    Issues with my father, though of other kind, though I too hated him, loved him, hated myself for loving him.....the man is dead now for over 6 years.

    I guess I don't really know what I wanted to achieve with this reply, probably just to let you know that I hear you, and you seem to be in some difficult position with members of your family, things that hurt you....
    About the meds, I think you should take them if they work for you, there's nothing wrong about depending on a pill for the rest of your life, lot of people have to, some of them would die without the pill(s).
    I guess it's up to you if you stay around here; if it works for you you should, even if you feel you're not able to help or support anyone;Sometimes it's necessary to look after just ourselfs. But please don't think your arent wanted here because I know you are.

    I hope I didn't make this a big boredom or a bag of nonsense, and hope you can hold on, pass the funeral as good as possible and feel better soon.
    Take care
    :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2009
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Vikki,
    Bare with me it might be long, it might not be.

    It's good to be angry. It's good to feel hurt. It's also okay and normal to feel all of those things. It's even okay to let it escalate to get the feelings out as long as you don't hurt yourself or others. You have every right to feel the way you do about things. As for the trust issues, who can blame you? I would be in the same boat as you if it happened to me. I know we joke about things when we're talking but if you ever feel the need to just rant and scream I'm available. I'm even on mobile at times and if I don't answer right away I will eventually, I promise.

    It's hard Viks, especially when life was one way for so many years and then out of the blue it all changes. You thought you could trust people and that trust was shattered. It will take time to build it back up, but speaking from experience it will get there. It might never be exactly the same but it will get back to something considered normal. Who wants normal anyways right?

    As for the funeral, sometimes it's hard to cry over things. Sometimes you're so cried out from other things that you can't bring yourself to cry over something so tragic. Maybe so many bad things have happened in life that it's like "fuck another thing" and the tears don't come. It's not bad. I think eventually when you get there and you're around other people it might finally hit you. Sometimes you need the realization of it all to actually shed a tear. Until then don't worry about it and even after it if you don't it just might take time. People cope in different ways. There's no set time to cry or grieve. It just happens so don't worry about it hun.

    Now, there's your father. Yes you hate him. I don't know truly what's happened between you and him as I've never pried that deep. I figure if you want to talk you will. The truth is though that even though he was such a horrible man he was still your father and their are times you will think of him. You might think of the what if's, the things that could of been if he were a different man, the possibilities and so much more. You can still hate him with ever fiber of your being but still wonder about him. It's perfectly normal.

    Anyways sorry for hte long ramble. If you need anything, I'm on msn, I'm on here, and if you need my google you can hit up from terry. Take care of yourself Viks and know that even if you don't trust us fully with your thoughts and feelings people are still here that love and care about you.

    Stay safe :hug:
    Until I meet you at your house
    K.
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Helena - Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me. It means a lot. Thank you :hug:

    Kells - You have no idea how much your reply made me think. I respect how you tell it like it is. Theres not a lot of people that do that and i really respect you for the way you don't take any shit of anyone. I wish i could be like that sometimes. Thank you for being there and thank you for the reply :hug:
     
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Anytime Viks. :hug: wubbles you