LONG, let me repat, L-O-N-G rant...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by awb4130578, May 8, 2008.

  1. awb4130578

    awb4130578 Member

    Well... i've not been right for years, a year ago i lost the best job in the world and it's been a downhill struggle since then.
    I can't find a minute to myself, there so many things I need to do but too little time in the day...work / Work out (as I NEED to lose weight),talk to co-workers, to TRY to get my gardes up at school, and other things which vary. I've become completely alone because I have no time for the few friends I have.
    I feel dead inside. literally. About 4 weeks ago I was feeling a little optimistic about the future even though I am dropping out of college but now suicide crosses my mind at least 3 times a day. I dont know what changed although when I said I was "optimistic" that was probably misleading as for the past year Ive been on meds and have just felt generally fucked up inside.I dont take anything in I read or hear and I feel like my memory's shot. I feel like sleeping all the time because im so god damn fuckin tired. Im numb to everything and can barely bring myself to even find the energy to engage in a conversation about whatever with my friends. I also feel like my intelligence has been drained this past year ( i only passed 2 out of 9 classes this school year). Now some of the only thoughts that run through my head are constant thoughts of how I can fix myself or the desire to sleep(forever). I dont know wtf to do anymore I cant find happiness or purpose in anything anymore. Its fucking bullshit and I dont know what I did to deserve this shit of a life. I just want feeling back, like Im alive.......
    My heart hurts. I literally feel like my heart is broken. I want someone to come and make me feel better but no one has that ability. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day (may 12th, 2007)that this all started and just do it all over. I feel so guilty about letting it happen.
    I cant do this, im done. I'm on a low right now! I hate this.
    It all seems to fake, what people say, what people do. Like there going about there life and im just watching. none of it matters anymore. because im just here, not apart of anything, not connected to anything. just like i was droped from the sky. i dont matter to anyone, its all a bunch of lies. the only ones who would notice if i didnt wake up in the morning would be either of my bosses, kyle or jordan, who would be wondering why the hell i didnt show up to work(since im always there SUPER early anyways). Im nothing to everyone else, just another face or a pain in the butt. If my life dosnt hold value of importance to me, how can it to anyone else?
    i'm sworn to believe that i lose everything i touch.
    i mean, i'm so scared to talk to people now, or become friends with anyone; because i'm scared to lose them... it seems i've lost everyone i've ever befriended...I feel like that even though i'm happy in certain areas... i will always still be unhappy. I need a person in my life that will always be there for me. and i know that it's my fault in the beginning for screwing up and pushing these people in my life away. I just wish i could take it all back. i really do regret a lot of what i've done to my friends in the past. Even though i know we needed time apart, it should have never been permanent.
    Back in primary school days, I was a shy young girl who had very little or no friends at all and getting teased cuz of my appearance. Things started to change though when I got a job. Everything was great! My friends, my bosses were all awesome peanuts! then after i ogt fired i stopped talking to them. I feel so guilty because of this. And it takes me a great deal to say a simple sorry.
    i feel like something is missing from my life, a part of my heart that isnt there.. love, relationship, a close friendship with someone i can be with and care for.... all the things i have missed out on so far. I miss you, i wish you were still here and that i could walk across the road now and knock on your door, even at this hour. I wish i could have had a good relationship at some time up to now.. i feel empty inside, and dont know what to do... Ive tried ignoring it, ive tried talking about it.... ive even tried doing something about it, but the people i know and love are unavailable.
    Ok that's it, I don't get it why I'm here. And then I think: What the fuck am I doing here? To keep myself alive, feeling miserable everyday, go to work, home, work, when older, just to do some meaningless crap I might like to do? And why would I want to help this world move? I, alone, am nothing relevant to this world, and the world is like, the world and society itself only works by a having people united, yet, in that society, each single person means nothing if alone. I'm alone. I don't want to keep trying just to survive for some reason. God I wish I was a freaking ignorant or whatever, would be here and wouldn't think of it, would be clueless and just let life go on since I wouldn't even have the feeling what this 'life' was about.
    I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks, and it's kind of really wearing me down. I started thinking of the most stupid things. Like...idk maybe the fact that all my life I thought I was pretty enough for somebody to love me. Like really love me. And every day that passes as I begin to feel more and more alone...it just feels like I was wrong. What's wrong with me? I thought I had a good personality and everything...damn. And also realizing that yeah; I am alone. Isolated even. I gave up what I had to get back to the people I Love. And it's great. I DO love them all. but sometimes...I just feel so alone.
    I am being ignored. All these people I thought were my friends...they don't include me in their conversations, they act like I'm invisible, they never seem to notice me. Yet they don't hate me. No, when they do notice me they are really nice. They talk to me, ask me how life has been, actually seem to care about what's been going on. I can't stand that my friends talk about me like I'm not there!!! I spent my whole life running away from people that make me feel bad...these people were my friends before,(at least they seemed like it), they were nice and sweet and made me feel like I belonged. You know where I feel is the only place I belong, now? history class! I mean, I like history, but if I feel like I belong in the classroom talking to my teacher about wars more than I belong in my own home and with my own friends, something's wrong. And no one cares that anything is wrong. My parents defintley don't care, my friends don't seem care...It's days like this where I wonder why I'm here, in this world. I will never do anything in my life time to help the world. And all I can feel now is pain. That's all my life is, now. Pain and suffering. No one would really miss me anyways. Maybe I'm a mistake. Maybe everyone in this whole world wouldn't even notice if I was gone.
    You know what I think? I don't think I'm alive. I think I died about a year ago, and somehow got trapped in my body, which has another soul trying to inhabit it-now that I'm dead, and I got sent to hell but I'm only half-way there so I'm living in hell-on-earth. Because that is exactly what I feel like. And for all I know, it's true. I can't stand this...

    thats all for now...