Long, long, long possibly triggering rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Sep 12, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Long, long, long rant.

    To the SF members mentioned in this, PLEASE don't take offence or have a go at me for this..I don't mean anything bad by it :hug:

    I’m just setting off on an hour and a half journey and I need to rant really badly. Please feel free to ignore me, I don’t expect anyone to sit down and read all this, it is just for my benefit.
    I have been feeling bad recently, getting worse and worse-to the point where I am scaring myself and my girlfriend-and I am trying desperately to think of a way to make sense of everything and to sort myself out, for me and for her. I’m hoping that if I sit down and go through EVERYTHING that I am doing/have done, am feeling/thinking etc that it might help.
    Okay, here goes…
    I was always a big child…okay, a FAT child. I don’t remember much of my childhood-I don’t know if I just have a bad memory, or if I’m blocking something out-but I remember going away with my school when I was in lower school (I can’t remember what age I was) and staying in a room with, at the time, my 3 best friends. At this time I was practically living my Nan, and I used to share a room with her, she slept with the light on, therefore that’s what I got used to. So when I was away I wanted the light left on, the other three didn’t. It turned into a fight and the teacher had to come sort it out. After that night my three ‘best friends’ turned into my three bullies. Teachers and my family found out about a year later but I refused to talk about it and denied it all. This carried on, in various forms until I left school. It was only ever verbal nothing physical but it ended up that I would be nervous even seeing them. I was fat and I knew it, and they knew it.
    Boys were never interested in me, why would they be :rolleyes: And living with my Nan I kind of grew up before I should have done, I was never the sort of child who played on street corners or in the park with friends or anything. When I saw friends it would be in one of our houses. The rest of the time I was with my Nan and the rest of my family. I’ve always been surrounded by adults.
    My parents split up when I was 5 and I moved in with my Nan full-time. Her oldest son, Barry, was still living there but the rest of her family had moved out. My grand-dad died before I was born and I think Nan looked at me as another of her children from then on. Barry was an alcoholic at this time. He would go out every afternoon, get drunk, come home, make Nan cook him tea then fall asleep for the night/morning. Apparently I used to sit on the floor of his room, in the dark, while he was asleep pretending to be his “nurse”-as if he was ill.
    I remember one night, I was probably about 7 when Barry was supposed to be at work, and he didn’t come home on time. My Nan was SUCH a worrier! She was convinced someone had murdered him or something. I was looking out of the window with her waiting for him to come home. Then we saw his work van being towed past our house-smashed to pieces. My Nan lost the plot, decided Barry had been killed. My Mum lied near his work so we sent her to find out what had happened. It turned out Barry had left work at lunch time, in his van, and gone to the pub. Then, as he was driving home-drunk-he crashed into a tree not far from our house. He wasn’t injured but the van was a right-off. I will never forget how scared my Nan was that night. I will never forgive him for doing that to her, over and over and over. He ended up going to prison for drink-driving. We all went to see him in prison but I don’t really remember it.
    So yeah, my parents had split up. I saw them both a lot. Still to this day I see my Dad almost every day and my Mum probably 4 times a week. Mum had another man pretty quickly-Don. Dad is still single. He lives in a room in a shared house and is like a big kid lol. I never liked Don, he didn’t treat my Mum well enough and anyway, he wasn’t my Dad! I don’t get on with my Mum. I’m not entirely sure why, maybe we are too similar with our short tempers? Maybe she’s just someone I’m never going to get on with. I don’t know. I do know a couple of reasons why I have started liking her less and less though. I’m pretty sure that I blame her for the fact that her and my Dad divorced, blame her for my weird childhood because if she had stayed with Dad it would have all been different. I feel sorry for my Dad. Like I said, he’s a big kid..loves his gadgets and stuff lol. He is always skint and my Mum does help him out a lot. It’s good that they are still friends J My Nan was great to my Dad and he was great to her. There was only 11years difference between them but I know that Dad looked at her like his Mum (He lost his parents years ago.) I don’t know when it started but I know she had an affair with a man named Gil. I don’t remember ever meeting him but I don’t like her for doing it to my Dad.
    Nan’s other children, Philip and Geraldine are okay I suppose. Geraldine has a 14year old cousin, Meghan, who I look at as my sister. I love her to bits even though she is a stroppy madam! She was always at my Nan’s as well. Every Christmas Eve Meghan stayed with us and Nan did the whole “Father Christmas” thing. Big bags of presents, a letter left from him, stuff like that. It was great.
    Philip is okay I suppose. He is a stroppy arsehole who takes his moods out on everyone and anyone, but apart from that he’s a good man lol.
    Barry now has a fiancee, Denise, who I HATE! She infuriates me!!! She wraps Barry around her little finger, he isn’t allowed to see his own family half the time and when he does he is made to feel guilty about it. She is the biggest two-faced liar I have ever met. They are getting married on October 17th…Yay :dry: Barry himself I now hate, but I’ll get to that eventually.
    My Nan, my darling Nan who I loved more than anything or anyone. We used to go to Ireland (where she was born) every year. And I hardly ever spent any time away from her. Click here for link to Nan’s story http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?p=294301#post294301
    I have so many reasons for this post, so many reasons for hating myself that I don't even know where to start.
    Okay, that's a lie, I know exactly where to start. I feel unbelievably guilty about what happened to my Nan. I don't care how many people tell me there is nothing I could have done, I will always believe that I let her down, that I could have got her to the doctors earlier and managed to save her. I would give anything to go back and do that all again, do it all differently.
    I said earlier no boys were ever interested in me. That's true, true because of how I looked. How wants to go out with the fat kid? This was true up until a year ago when I met someone who I thought loved me. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't I'm not trying to row. Even he will tell you that whatever his emotional feelings towards me were he wasn't attracted to me, wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. One of the reasons he left me and fell for my mate I suppose :unsure: I was hurt so badly by that relationship. I had never thought that anyone could feel anything for me, and then someone came along who did. But who didn't treat me properly (no offence, I know I didn't treat you properly all the time either.) and I was left wondering what to believe again.
    I started having feelings for a friend who had, in the past, told me they had feelings for me. I stupidly told them what I was feeling and they went weird. We have since had a falling out that I don't think we will ever get over. She went weird when I told her....why wouldn't she, it's me after all.
    Now I'm thinking that I'm not good enough for anyone. And along comes the sweetest, kindest, funniest, most caring person I have ever met. I love her and I believe she loves me. So why aren't I happy? How about because I can't forget the past? I can't forget the feeling that no one will ever like me, that I'm not good enough for anyone. I wasn't for 20 years, how come all of a sudden someone gives a damn?!?
    I know that I have a problem with paranoia, and maybe that's all that this is. But I can't hide the feeling that she doesn't want to be with me. That, maybe, it's *****/***** she would rather be with. I can see why. Everyone seems to have this wonderful vision of *****, how could I compare eh? Anything she does seems to be okay. She even had the mods here hanging off her every word for a while.
    And as for *****, I'm not even going to go there. Yeah, she's friends with him, but she knows how it makes me feel. I know I have no right to be paranoid over this when I'm still friends with my ex......but I AM. :(
    Why add someone to MSN if you don't intend on talking to them?
    I hate the way I look. I hate my size. I hate what I think others think of me. I hate my hair. I hate my scars. I hate ME.
    Someone saw a picture of me last night, a picture taken a while ago. Before I put on more weight. They looked at it and said "That doesn't look like you." I asked if I looked better or worse now than in that picture and they refused to comment. Guess it's time to loose some weight eh :yes:
    I have done some terrible, terrible things. Told some awful lies that I will never forgive myself for. Said some very hurtful things. Upset too many people. I will never forgive myself for being this spiteful, decietful person. And no one else should either.
    I have no money. Literally, no money. I am too much of a wreck to go to work and I feel pathetic for it. Barry tried to contest Nan's will and now none of the family are talking to him. I have no real friends who care, only people that want me for something, want me to be there when they want me, want me at thier beck and call. Philip is trying to buy my Nan's house so that it can stay in the family. My Mum's boyfriend has just been taken into a home because of his Dementia. Everything just seems to be getting too much.
    I have kinda forgotten what the point of this rant was now so I'm going to shut up :unsure: Sorry.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2007