Long one, but I really need someone, even just for a little while

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by -brokengirl-, Feb 21, 2013.

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  1. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    Fair warning, this is going to be a long one. (Trigger as well maybe?)
    7 years I have been suffering with depression. About a year and a half ago, I began self harming. But I had been abusing medicines since long before ( sleep pills, paracetamol, tramadol etc).
    About 2 weeks ago (for the third time) I overdosed. Ended up being sick and passing out. The only regret I had was waking up.

    Recently (within the last year... Maybe a bit longer) I have been hearing/seeing things. It started off with seeing myself covered in blood and cuts, to having a voice in my head constantly. And he is the one that makes it all worse. He is privy to every thought I have, and so he knows what words will hurt the most. And most of the time I don't self harm to appease myself, I do it so that he will let me try and live another day. And it's so hard. Work is becoming impossible. I don't talk to my friends anymore. My boyfriend of two years, I am pushing away. All day, everyday, all I can think of is when I can cut next, and trying to stop him from pushing me further.

    Now, there is nothing wrong with my life. No family deaths, parents still together, boyfriend, friends (even if I am pushing them away), no abuse in the family. So why the hell am I like this. I feel so goddamn guilty, because I have no right to.

    But yet I still find myself here night after night, blade in one hand and pills in the other. I'm getting so desperate. I can't, I just can't keep going, I don't know how to, and I don't want to. I want out, but I don't want to screw it up and end up a vegetable. I didn't come here for advice on how to die, I would just really appreciate someone to talk to for a while. Because I don't think I can do it.
     
  2. this saddens me, i have been where you are now and this brings so many emotions back to me, i'll chat/listen to you
     
  3. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    God I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like bit by bit I'm losing the control. It just gets worse over time. I'm just sat here and I can hear him and I'm losing my freaking mind. I need to do something but I don't know what.
     
  4. can you hear him above all else
     
  5. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    Yes. Always. At work. When I was at school. Reading. Music. He just laughs and carries on. He wants this.
     
  6. describe him for me
     
  7. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    Loud, arrogant, obnoxious, vicious. He picks on me all the time. Any time someone says something to me, nice or not, he makes I worse. I find myself answering him out loud and getting funny looks. When he's mad... It feels like he's fighting to get out of me, makes my skin feel like its going to burst open. He forces me to do things when I don't always want to. He scares me.
     
  8. is he someone you know or knew from the past
     
  9. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    I don't think so.. His voice is quite deep, but I've never seen him close enough, whenever its been him I've seen I was always way off, but I knew . I could still hear him even though he was so far away.
     
  10. have you at any time received any treatment for this
     
  11. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    Not for that bit. Depression yeah. I think they are trying to find out if ive got schizoaffective, but I can't keep track. All my docs etc seem to be giving up with me. They say its not safe enough.
     
  12. i think you really need a referral, this persecution cant be allowed to go on, it took me some weeks of badgering to get help, i got there in the end and can now look back on it, the future is in front of you my friend, chase it
     
  13. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    I've tried they just don't believe me or they think its just the depression but its not. How can I get them to listen when they can't hear the words
     
  14. make them hear the words you speak, keep a diary of times,dates, your state of mind at the time HE speaks to you, it may show up some pattern
     
  15. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    I've tried with diaries etc before. He just convinces me that they won't listen no matter what I do. That they don't care. They don't want to help. They just want me out of the room. I'm sorry if I'm being argumentative. Kind of a three way conversation.
     
  16. hey no worries, been there. how old are you and gender, you don't need to answer that if you'd rather not
     
  17. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    18, f. But please don't think that I'm making it up, or for the attention, because I'm not. I've been far too mature all my life. And I've had too many people tell me it's a phase. Bit long for that
     
  18. i would never think a person could make things like this up, you are 2yrs younger than my first episode, it took many years to get the help needed
     
  19. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    I'm doing everything I can. It's just not getting me anywhere. It never does.
     
  20. is "HE" in your head or an external voice
     
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