Long post asking for advice - can you help me?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by perfectempire, Jun 1, 2009.

  1. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    Ever since I was a little kid I've been surrounded by cynics - people who find fault in any/everything. I've been terrorized and verbally abused for the smallest mistakes since I can remember. I was a child afraid to sing, dance, or stand up straight.

    I'm still in bed and it's late in the afternoon. Lately I can't seem to get myself up to do anything. Because I know that no matter what I do, it simply won't be good enough for anybody...and that most people won't care anyway. And what is the point of living if I have to do it all in my head?

    I'm so scared. I can hear them yelling at me and feel them punishing me...just for doing what I thought was the right thing or totally okay. And now I'm afraid to do anything. So I stay in bed. All of the time. And I can't think of any reason to get out. They'll just yell at me anyway.

    Cutting is more satisfying than doing homework or doing anything that will be judged by them. [I haven't physically cut in 6 years, but I do it alot in my mind. I have mental cutting sessions! This is great because I can remember how it feels and get the same sense of relief without actually doing it. But it requires lots of concentration to obtain this level of relief.] I just want to do something that hurts me that is not from them and is something that only I know about...that they can't know. I want something back! I'm sick and tired of being theirs to tear up...their child, their employee, their student. My bosses and some of my professors have been surprisingly hurtful. I'm so shocked that it is okay to treat an employee or student this way. But to complain would ruin my entire career...again...so I'm bending over and taking it.

    I view suicide as the ultimate way to say "I'm taking me back", "I don't belong to you". I want to disappear so they can't hurt me [anorexia didn't work when I tried it 8 years ago]. I want to go on permanent strike [I tried 6 years ago and they barely saved me...as if I was theirs to save].

    I feel so alone and I've been told that verbal/emotional abuse isn't "that bad" or "isn't abuse" and that "confidence is a joke and self-esteem is a myth...people don't need self-esteem they need discipline!" <---This is the stuff I grew up hearing and now I feel like my desire to cultivate self-esteem or any feeling of self-worth is stupid. I couldn't help but to cry - no matter how much they yelled at me not to. :cry2:

    No amount of Zoloft in the world will solve this problem. And I am OUT of money...if I weren't, I'd just see my long-time therapist. I'd love to talk to her. But she is $200 away. So I am asking you, lovely Suicide Forum Community:

    How can I overcome the effects of this abuse? Any advice or just a caring suggestion would mean the world to me.

    What is the trick to overcoming this feeling of worthlessness?

    Thank you in advance. I know you are all good people.
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    oh dear sweet :hug: I'm so sorry you are suffering in this way - I wish I could make it all better for you :hug:

    I think to start, you can't expect too much of yourself straight off - there's no magical solution to suddenly feeling better - it is something that will take time and patience... Trust me, ANY kind of abuse IS abuse whether it be physical, emotional, psychological etc. Emotional abuse is cruel - its all inside and the scars can't even be seen :hug:

    From what you say, you are fed up with feeling as though they own you, what you do and your thought processes... The only thing I can say is that slowly you build things up, positive things, very slowly, one-by-one, that are only YOURS... For example, join a club or something in something that interests you at college... read books by an author that YOU like... treat YOURSELF at least once a week to something that you want or something you want to do (even if its something small!)... start to discover yourself - who you are inside without them. We all have dreams... dreams aren't unhealthy... they give you something to keep going for...

    I think that these kinds of things could help to overcoming your feelings of worthlessness as well as slowly overcoming what has happened... I KNOW it's not easy and what I have said sounds simplistic :( But know that there are people out there who will value you and will care. I care and I will listen anytime if you need :hug:

  3. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    Ellie, you are right. I think I need to spend some time focusing on stuff I like and do so consistently, like once a week. Then I could ignore all their antics and develop myself. Now THAT would motivate me to get out of bed. In fact it has...I'm going for a walk...because I want to.