Ever since I was a little kid I've been surrounded by cynics - people who find fault in any/everything. I've been terrorized and verbally abused for the smallest mistakes since I can remember. I was a child afraid to sing, dance, or stand up straight. I'm still in bed and it's late in the afternoon. Lately I can't seem to get myself up to do anything. Because I know that no matter what I do, it simply won't be good enough for anybody...and that most people won't care anyway. And what is the point of living if I have to do it all in my head? I'm so scared. I can hear them yelling at me and feel them punishing me...just for doing what I thought was the right thing or totally okay. And now I'm afraid to do anything. So I stay in bed. All of the time. And I can't think of any reason to get out. They'll just yell at me anyway. Cutting is more satisfying than doing homework or doing anything that will be judged by them. [I haven't physically cut in 6 years, but I do it alot in my mind. I have mental cutting sessions! This is great because I can remember how it feels and get the same sense of relief without actually doing it. But it requires lots of concentration to obtain this level of relief.] I just want to do something that hurts me that is not from them and is something that only I know about...that they can't know. I want something back! I'm sick and tired of being theirs to tear up...their child, their employee, their student. My bosses and some of my professors have been surprisingly hurtful. I'm so shocked that it is okay to treat an employee or student this way. But to complain would ruin my entire career...again...so I'm bending over and taking it. I view suicide as the ultimate way to say "I'm taking me back", "I don't belong to you". I want to disappear so they can't hurt me [anorexia didn't work when I tried it 8 years ago]. I want to go on permanent strike [I tried 6 years ago and they barely saved me...as if I was theirs to save]. I feel so alone and I've been told that verbal/emotional abuse isn't "that bad" or "isn't abuse" and that "confidence is a joke and self-esteem is a myth...people don't need self-esteem they need discipline!" <---This is the stuff I grew up hearing and now I feel like my desire to cultivate self-esteem or any feeling of self-worth is stupid. I couldn't help but to cry - no matter how much they yelled at me not to. :cry2: No amount of Zoloft in the world will solve this problem. And I am OUT of money...if I weren't, I'd just see my long-time therapist. I'd love to talk to her. But she is $200 away. So I am asking you, lovely Suicide Forum Community: How can I overcome the effects of this abuse? Any advice or just a caring suggestion would mean the world to me. What is the trick to overcoming this feeling of worthlessness? Thank you in advance. I know you are all good people.