Long post, just a warning

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Ballard, Jul 11, 2009.

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  1. Ballard

    Ballard New Member

    Sorry to everyone. You'll probably think this is stupid.

    I'm 19 by the way, just so everyone knows.

    My life doesn't seem like to be going anywhere. For a year after high school I went to follow love, but it didn't work out. So now I'm in square one, and now very depressed. Nothing seems to be going right for me, my dream school, that I've been wanting to go to for years, I was accepted into it with flying colors, due to my good grades. Sadly though, I didn't have the funding to go. I didn't know that culinary school would be 60k, not including the cost of living. Even with all my scholarships and grants, no one could help me. No one could cosign a private loan for me because both my parents passed away, and the rest of my family, well, I don't know what is going on in their heads. I would of left the college in tears if I wasn't with my friend, who drove me there. I know what a lot of you people are going to say, "what about another school?" Well.. All I know to do is to cook, which has been my passion for a years, so now my dream job is pretty much out the window, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
    So now I'm living with my brother and sister. We are still in the same house we've been in for years, but now we have to take care of the mortgage, and all the bills. So now I have to get a job that means nothing to me, just like when I left for love...I worked at a job that was pointless...and it made me depressed.. Anyway, so now I have to get a job just like that, making pretty much minimum wage, wasting my life away at a stupid job where I can't express myself.
    I don't like my brother and sister to much. My brother is a depressed childish kid, even though he is my twin, while my sister is a immature little girl, who loves to be the center of attention and is a control freak, she is 22. I feel like I'm the most mature person in the family, and I'm the youngest. I don't have many friends either, maybe 4 at most. This is because I put forth a lot of initiative in friendships and relationships, and far to many people take that the wrong way, so I end up being the stalker, creepy guy, when all they needed to do was tell me... Plus the fact that I'm a feminine guy doesn't help much at all. No, I'm not gay.
    My best friend is a girl who lives far away (pathetic right?) who I basically call sister, and she calls me her brother. Thing is, I'm even insecure about her. I fear she is going to leave me like everyone else. I fear that I'm just a problem for her, and that she is there sometimes just so I won't do anything drastic, even though she has helped me with everything. She helped me brake it off with the girl I ran off too (Completely worth it) and helped me through depressing times.
    She showed me the "Mylifeisg.com" site. It made me very depressed and caused me to cry. All these great things are happening to so many people, and I'm stuck in my horrible life. (And I know so many people have worse, I'm sorry). I want things to work, I really do, I just... don't see the good of what is to come, I don't see me getting anywhere in life. Just being a complete failure.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Any way you can get a job involving cooking becoming an apprentice cook and work your way up. You need to get therapy to deal with you depression the loss of your parents. Can you not take some courses not the full case load at a time so tuition not as much. Talk with school councillor at the college to get ideas grants bursaries. Take care I hope you can get the coucilling and help you need.
  3. You don't need to apologize, and it's not stupid. Sure, there are people a lot worse off than you, and I think that's good to remember — but, still, when you hurt, you hurt.

    If you don't mind an opinion, I'd say your life isn't over, or even in a rut. It's barely begun! The future will be profoundly different, once you're out on your own. You don't need to go to a professional school immediately in order to follow your dreams, though you might not be able to follow them right away. But that has been true for so many people who finally did get to where they wanted to be — artists, musicians, writers .... As much as you can, keep your courage up!

    Have you found any suggestions in culinary-arts forums about what you could do now? Are there internships or training programs, or is there work you could take that would get you a little closer to your goal? Even if not — I don't think it's fair to yourself to say that all you know how to do is cook, not when you got into that school because of good grades.

    (Oh, and I know what you mean about coming on all tsunami-like with friendships. For what it's worth, I think the main thing is to learn to watch people to get an idea of their comfort levels, to catch things before you end up making them feel less than free. I find I'm getting better over time, and when I do blow it — well, it's another chance to learn. :rolleyes: )

    Since you're posting on a suicide forum, if you’re comfortable saying — are you having suicidal feelings? And, if so, how ready are you to act on them? The closer you are, the faster you should go to an ER or pick up the phone and call a hotline. (As you can see from the other postings, you're welcome here either way — and I hope you're not suicidal now! — but, if you are, it's good to get it out there and talk about it.)

    Also, have you considered counseling or medical treatment to help you through this rough patch? In many cases, there is depression treatment available even to people who don't think they can afford it.

    Stay in touch!
  4. Ballard

    Ballard New Member

    Hello, sorry for not posting sooner to reply. Frankly I was worried to read what people said.

    *sigh* You two are right though, I shouldn't just give up because I tried one option. Frankly I'm not really sure what's wrong with me, one day I'll be deeply depressed, wanting to die and all that, and then some days I'm optimistic! So I want to apologize, cause as you can tell, yesterday was one of those down days.

    And I haven't tried the apprentice thing yet, I guess I'm afraid I'll fail. On monday I'm going to go out and follow your advice and try to find something to pursue my goal.

    And to answer your question about my suicidal thoughts, well, they come and go. Right now, no, I'm not, but then other days, it's all I can think about, besides all my problems in life.

    Finally, I think why I think my life is over is because I don't want to become like this :zombie: . Working at wallmart being a greeter. -_-.
  5. *Now* who's got the long post?

    Quit apologizing, dammit! (And if you apologize for apologizing, I'm gonna reach through the screen and throttle you. :D )
    Well — I'm not an expert, but — I guess some pros would call that "rapid-cycling," or Bipolar Disorder, or some such. If so, just remember that those aren't physical diagnoses like diabetes or something — they're just terms to describe what you're going through inside, for whatever reason. And you'll probably stop going through it as your circumstances change.

    Work on forcing yourself to rational thought, no matter how you feel. Cognitive therapy can help with that. If you find that your feelings are compromising your ability to function day-to-day, consider meds, which can help to even your feelings out. Most people use them temporarily, sort of like a person might take aspirin a lot when he's under stress, to clear his stress headaches — so he can get less stressed. (But only stop taking them under a doctor's direction: you can get very screwed up, doing it wrong.)
    All right!
    I know how that is. I'm not surprised you're getting to that place, with the stuff you're having to deal with. And it sounds like you're a sensitive person, that you just feel things a lot. (That has its downsides, but I think it has its upsides too: it can make you more aware of others and more compassionate, and it can open you to parts of life that slip through a lot of other people's fingers.)

    For whatever it's worth: the way I think of it, personally, is that those thoughts are totally irrational, sort of a product of the "dumb animal" parts of our brain. You know, the same parts that don't want the doctor to set a broken arm, that growl and scratch when the vet gets close, that want to drink a swimming pool right after being stranded in the desert. "OMG pain! How to stop it??? I know!!! Jump off the building!!!" Well, we've got the rest of our minds to blow off those ideas — and better living through chemistry if they get out of hand. :gun:
    That's cool — just remember, most nineteen-year-olds have crappy jobs. Personally, I think your feeling is based on something healthy: the thing that drives achievers to achieve.

    And, again, stay in touch — I'd like to hear how you're getting along!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2009
  6. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    Wow, we have some striking similarity in our stories. First of all, My best friend is a famine (not gay) guy and I'm a girl so we're on opposite sides of the spectrum. Secondly, my life is also not going anywhere, I'm in a pointless job, and the art school I so desperately wanted to go to is over 100k which makes it completely un-doable. I'm only 17, but I get the feeling we share enough things to understand each other. I'm the oldest of five, but I do feel that besides my mom I'm the most mature person in my household. I too have few friendships because I put so much stake in them and they eventually get smothered or I get so frustrated by the lack of involvement other people contribute that I just give up. I always worry that I'm being a bother to my best friend, that he'll get so sick of me he'll just up and leave me one day and then I'll really be alone. I'm almost shocked at how much we have in common-

    Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk to someone who knows almost exactly what you're going through (haha)-
  7. Ballard

    Ballard New Member

    Alright, as some of you asked, here is an update on the situation. I have no been able to find a job yet, because I have been looking for a vehicle. Living about eight miles away from town kinda sucks =/. Of course, this doesn't bold well with my annoying aunt, who every so often will call and say, " You don't understand the severity of the situation. You three (my brother and sister included) are going to lose the house and what will you do then?" Though, it's kinda hard to work when I'd have to walk to eight miles huh?

    But, of course I have to buy my own vehicle, which I know it's what all adults do, it's just, I have no experience in it. Anyway, before more bad news, some good news. I've made a wonderful new friend. Actually it's the person above me. She is wonderful and a great friend.

    Also, my best friend who lives far away has asked me to come back to see her. She wants me to come for moral support, but, it ment so much to me that she asked. So I'll be going back there in less then a week.

    But sigh, there is more bad stuff. My aunt learned about this, probably from my backstabbing sister (cant' tell her anything without the whole world knowing within a week). She calls me up and complains and complains. She actually doesn't want my brother and I to go to school, and just focus on work, like what she does.

    And then finally, I learned my sister is moving out of the house, because she feels that she is babysitting my brother and I and is tired of it. Now before I rant about the moving out, I want to talk about the babysitting part. You see, I have been absent from this family for an entire year. Living on my own, working constantly, and only been here for little over a month. My brother and I also have our own money we use to buy things, need I say more?

    But, because she is moving out, we have to sell our house. I have to move, again, and it's stressing me out, severely. I don't have any experience, I don't know how to go about it, and besides, our house is awful. The floors are fairly ugly, there are bugs, possibly mice, and there is a lot of junk.

    *long sigh* No idea what I to do. I feel like I'm slowly becoming depressed again with all this stress. But anyway, thank you again for reading my rants. Sorry for the awful grammar, I kinda just write things that come to my mind and don't bother to proofread.
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