Hello. I have registered before apparantly and I don't know what my old posts were. I'm here now to try and keep a long story short, although with how much has happened I feel it won't turn out that way. I've been married to my husband for nearly three years. We are both 28 and have been together for over ten years, livjng together over six. Our relationship had always been rocky and breaking up due to his depression and my insecurity. We had both had terrible experiences at school, and my husband had always been depressed. He had kidney failure from one year old and the hospital just said he was a naughty baby that cried all the time and nothing was wrong, wouldmt even do a blood test until he had must half hour to live and was kept in. If the doctors had recognised his infection and tested him he wouldn't have developed his lifelong illness of kidney fsilire and wouldn't have had to go though dialysis and two kidney transplants (one from his dad at 12years old and one just before our wedding from his mum). So understandably this means he doesn't trust doctors etc and it also makes him very depressed to know this is with him for life and one dsy he will be back on dialysis and need a transplant again. He will also probably have to wait ages next time and won't have such a good match or half match as the others he's had. Anyway that's already been long, but that's the basic backdrop of the most important things you'd need to know. He's been in psychology since childhood and he's been on antidepressants before. He then changed them after a couple of years cos he felt worse again and didn't think they were working anymore (he was on the highest dose by then) and the new one made him even worse and so angry. Then he stopped those and refused to go back on the ones that did work. At first things were better with no antidepressants and then they started up again with some good patched in-between. He's even decorated latley and had been going out with me a fw months ago which is something he would never have been able to do before (but that was only due to an ultimatum for me after an argument as I couldn't just sit by the rest of my life watching him escape on video games and never going anywhere with him or building a future and memories up). He really enjoyed himself but it didnt last long. I knew it wouldnt. Now he's been back to having raging moods, irritability and being miserable and nasty everyday for a while now and womt come out 'his room' the spare room again. He always does this. He spends all day amd night sleeping, playing games in there and only comes out to grab a load of food to eat in there...not even saying anhtning to me at all most the tkme unless its to point out something I havnt done yet. He spends all his time in this small stinky room and has now even started smoking in there again after we agreed we would stop because it's not just confined to the one room and towels against the door don't help. I'm worried for my cats lives and health, and my ones cats allergy which had cleared up for the most psrt since we stopped weeks ago. We had since been smoking outside. He had been mkre unbearable this week as it has been half term snd we have terrible problems here with kids hanging round the flats, being noisy and coming into our garden. It's been going on among other stuff since we moved in over six years ago. Two nights ago he wanted to spend the night by himself in the spare room as he so often does. He wanted a bottle of the red wine we were saving for fireworks night to relax with by himself. He's more of a longer drinker while on his games He did this and then an hour later came outside to go for a cigarette and seemed fine, although he didn't really say anything as he passed. When he came back in I went to ask him something about ten minutes later and found him trying to burn a cigarette over a lit candle flame. I talked to him and he spoke back all slurred and I couldnt make anything out. He was wobbling all over the place and knocked the candle over. Thankfully I picked it up in time. He was then sick everywhere. Loads of red sick with two full tablets I think it was in it. Not sure what they were. The red was the red wine. I looked about and saw all of the bottle of red wine had already gone snd he'd sneaked the other full bottle we were saving in and had a glass of that too. He was sick for ages snd I coukdnt prop him up or hold him up. He finally made it to the bathroom for half hour where he was sick some more. I kept asking him what he'd taken as he'd overdosed once before last year and this same thing happened. That time I hsd to take him to hospital and he didn't remember any part of being there at all, and didn't even regret attempting. It had taken me ages to get the fact he'd overdosed and what on out of him and even then he didn't tell me or the hospital the whole truth. This time he kept saying he just drank too much and he had only taken <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> all day along with <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> doe his sickness and one <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> for his anxiety. I know he always takes more than thst on any normal day, suicidal or not, but whenever I went to phone the ambulance or his dad he would grab my hand. He felt better and I told him to get out of his stained clothes and put them in the wash. I set clean ones out for him and once he'd sobered up a bit he didn't even remember putting the clothes in a few minutes before snd was irritated that he couldn't find his hoodie! Of course once he was more back to normal he was his usual ratty nasty self and told me he did take <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. I know the dangers of overdose <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. He told me today that it was everything making him depressed the dsy before, not any one thing but the thing that pushed him over the edge and made him do it was that he coukdnt have a smoke in the spare room. I know it's hard for him going outside to smoke when he has really and anxiety and when you're depressed/suicidal everything seems a big deal and really important or like everyones against you etc etc. We agreed ages ago for the sake of the cats and other animals. Plus it was to help us quit altogether and to stop the place stinking! We also have to quit as he has possible heart problems and tests coming up and been told he must quit. And I want to start trying for a baby which akways seems to impossible even though he says he loves me and wants a future and kids and the rest of his life with me. Most the time he treats me so badly and I'm alone snd crying. So what am I supposed to do.. Just spend the rest of my life giving him what he wants when he wants it in fear that he might be mad or threaten me, or he might do soemthing stupid? That's no life! Just watching him play his games, sleep and treat me like shit while I sit alone crying and missing the good times we so rarely have and missing the closeness snd intimacy, dealing with the intense pain that won't shift from my heart with the longing and emptiness of a baby and future with tbis man. I love him with all my heart despite all the abuse from him to me over the years and I believe it could work if he would just not have this depression and irritability. Obviously the antidepressants won't just make it all go away. He agreed lsst night to go back on the ones that worked but wether he will or not is another matter snd wether he sill stick to them properly os another matter entirely. If he doesn't do that and doesn't respect the rules we made for a reason for everyday living then I know where I stand snd even if in time it would turn out we could have the future he says he wants with me too then I'm afraid I havnt the energy to go on any longer doing this snd always living in fear and walking on eggshells with him. Ive supported him and battled things with him for years and years now. There's nothing else I csn do for him snd Im in no position health wise at the moment to be able to do anymore. I'll always love him snd thst won't change but I csmt see this lasting much longer if he's gonna keep being like this. I'm still waiting to be seen by my own psychologist again and sometimes see my husbands with him. Whenever he talks to anyone, especially his parents about me he makes things out to be worse than they are or out of context...such as I ssid something when i didn't or in a way that I didnt, or I moaned and shouted at him when I'm reality I just calmly responded to something he ssid or asked with an explanation. So basically if he doesn't lkke something I said, did or the way things are going he will make it out to be all me. Of course his parents will always take his side first and say to me just to leave him be. Well, all well and good but every week or every day? While I wait for it to happen again? Putting up with the shouting, threats and tantrums when he has s problem with something or doesn't get his way? Just carry on playing video games with no future, getting older snd older snd too scared to say or do anything around him? I have to leave him alone now even though he's attempted lsst night as Im not allowed in 'his room' and he also thinks he should he allowed to smoke in there cos it's supposed to be a room for him to do what he wants to do in and not me apprarsntly. That's not right. My family also saying I'm giving into him snd Im never gonna be happy or have a future/baby with him cos he is always like it, will never change and I'll always be waiting for the next tkme which I am. I always give him just one more chance. Everytime I'm happy or secure must a lttle but he crashes me right down. I always gotta do what he wants when he wants it and how hd wants it. Even though he's made a lot of effort latley and had been feeling better he still treats me so badly amd I csnt take it anymore. My family's all I got to talk to and it doesn't help they say such hurtful things to me anout it and worry me more cos they don't understand his illness in any way. Illness aside I do believe he does take me for granted a lot and thinks he csn just treat me this way all the time snd that cos he's depressed he's allowed, even if he does say sometimes when he apologises it's not an excuse, just a reason. I try not to take anything personally but I really do have no choice but to keep questioning how much he loves and wants me, us and a future if he's pushing me and our life away. I'm so sorry for it being so long and for all the spelling mistskes. I'm on the iPad and typing fast so there's tons of mistakes. Thanks for reading.