Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn apart.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Blackrose, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. Blackrose

    Blackrose Member

    Hello. I have registered before apparantly and I don't know what my old posts were.
    I'm here now to try and keep a long story short, although with how much has happened I feel it won't turn out that way.

    I've been married to my husband for nearly three years. We are both 28 and have been together for over ten years, livjng together over six. Our relationship had always been rocky and breaking up due to his depression and my insecurity. We had both had terrible experiences at school, and my husband had always been depressed.
    He had kidney failure from one year old and the hospital just said he was a naughty baby that cried all the time and nothing was wrong, wouldmt even do a blood test until he had must half hour to live and was kept in.
    If the doctors had recognised his infection and tested him he wouldn't have developed his lifelong illness of kidney fsilire and wouldn't have had to go though dialysis and two kidney transplants (one from his dad at 12years old and one just before our wedding from his mum).
    So understandably this means he doesn't trust doctors etc and it also makes him very depressed to know this is with him for life and one dsy he will be back on dialysis and need a transplant again. He will also probably have to wait ages next time and won't have such a good match or half match as the others he's had.

    Anyway that's already been long, but that's the basic backdrop of the most important things you'd need to know.
    He's been in psychology since childhood and he's been on antidepressants before. He then changed them after a couple of years cos he felt worse again and didn't think they were working anymore (he was on the highest dose by then) and the new one made him even worse and so angry. Then he stopped those and refused to go back on the ones that did work.
    At first things were better with no antidepressants and then they started up again with some good patched in-between. He's even decorated latley and had been going out with me a fw months ago which is something he would never have been able to do before (but that was only due to an ultimatum for me after an argument as I couldn't just sit by the rest of my life watching him escape on video games and never going anywhere with him or building a future and memories up). He really enjoyed himself but it didnt last long. I knew it wouldnt.

    Now he's been back to having raging moods, irritability and being miserable and nasty everyday for a while now and womt come out 'his room' the spare room again. He always does this. He spends all day amd night sleeping, playing games in there and only comes out to grab a load of food to eat in there...not even saying anhtning to me at all most the tkme unless its to point out something I havnt done yet.
    He spends all his time in this small stinky room and has now even started smoking in there again after we agreed we would stop because it's not just confined to the one room and towels against the door don't help. I'm worried for my cats lives and health, and my ones cats allergy which had cleared up for the most psrt since we stopped weeks ago. We had since been smoking outside.
    He had been mkre unbearable this week as it has been half term snd we have terrible problems here with kids hanging round the flats, being noisy and coming into our garden. It's been going on among other stuff since we moved in over six years ago.

    Two nights ago he wanted to spend the night by himself in the spare room as he so often does. He wanted a bottle of the red wine we were saving for fireworks night to relax with by himself. He's more of a longer drinker while on his games
    He did this and then an hour later came outside to go for a cigarette and seemed fine, although he didn't really say anything as he passed. When he came back in I went to ask him something about ten minutes later and found him trying to burn a cigarette over a lit candle flame. I talked to him and he spoke back all slurred and I couldnt make anything out. He was wobbling all over the place and knocked the candle over. Thankfully I picked it up in time. He was then sick everywhere. Loads of red sick with two full tablets I think it was in it. Not sure what they were. The red was the red wine. I looked about and saw all of the bottle of red wine had already gone snd he'd sneaked the other full bottle we were saving in and had a glass of that too. He was sick for ages snd I coukdnt prop him up or hold him up. He finally made it to the bathroom for half hour where he was sick some more.
    I kept asking him what he'd taken as he'd overdosed once before last year and this same thing happened. That time I hsd to take him to hospital and he didn't remember any part of being there at all, and didn't even regret attempting. It had taken me ages to get the fact he'd overdosed and what on out of him and even then he didn't tell me or the hospital the whole truth.

    This time he kept saying he just drank too much and he had only taken <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> all day along with <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> doe his sickness and one <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> for his anxiety. I know he always takes more than thst on any normal day, suicidal or not, but whenever I went to phone the ambulance or his dad he would grab my hand.
    He felt better and I told him to get out of his stained clothes and put them in the wash. I set clean ones out for him and once he'd sobered up a bit he didn't even remember putting the clothes in a few minutes before snd was irritated that he couldn't find his hoodie! Of course once he was more back to normal he was his usual ratty nasty self and told me he did take <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>.
    I know the dangers of overdose <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>.
    He told me today that it was everything making him depressed the dsy before, not any one thing but the thing that pushed him over the edge and made him do it was that he coukdnt have a smoke in the spare room. I know it's hard for him going outside to smoke when he has really and anxiety and when you're depressed/suicidal everything seems a big deal and really important or like everyones against you etc etc. We agreed ages ago for the sake of the cats and other animals. Plus it was to help us quit altogether and to stop the place stinking! We also have to quit as he has possible heart problems and tests coming up and been told he must quit. And I want to start trying for a baby which akways seems to impossible even though he says he loves me and wants a future and kids and the rest of his life with me. Most the time he treats me so badly and I'm alone snd crying.

    So what am I supposed to do.. Just spend the rest of my life giving him what he wants when he wants it in fear that he might be mad or threaten me, or he might do soemthing stupid? That's no life! Just watching him play his games, sleep and treat me like shit while I sit alone crying and missing the good times we so rarely have and missing the closeness snd intimacy, dealing with the intense pain that won't shift from my heart with the longing and emptiness of a baby and future with tbis man.

    I love him with all my heart despite all the abuse from him to me over the years and I believe it could work if he would just not have this depression and irritability. Obviously the antidepressants won't just make it all go away. He agreed lsst night to go back on the ones that worked but wether he will or not is another matter snd wether he sill stick to them properly os another matter entirely.
    If he doesn't do that and doesn't respect the rules we made for a reason for everyday living then I know where I stand snd even if in time it would turn out we could have the future he says he wants with me too then I'm afraid I havnt the energy to go on any longer doing this snd always living in fear and walking on eggshells with him.
    Ive supported him and battled things with him for years and years now. There's nothing else I csn do for him snd Im in no position health wise at the moment to be able to do anymore. I'll always love him snd thst won't change but I csmt see this lasting much longer if he's gonna keep being like this. I'm still waiting to be seen by my own psychologist again and sometimes see my husbands with him. Whenever he talks to anyone, especially his parents about me he makes things out to be worse than they are or out of context...such as I ssid something when i didn't or in a way that I didnt, or I moaned and shouted at him when I'm reality I just calmly responded to something he ssid or asked with an explanation. So basically if he doesn't lkke something I said, did or the way things are going he will make it out to be all me. Of course his parents will always take his side first and say to me just to leave him be. Well, all well and good but every week or every day? While I wait for it to happen again? Putting up with the shouting, threats and tantrums when he has s problem with something or doesn't get his way? Just carry on playing video games with no future, getting older snd older snd too scared to say or do anything around him? I have to leave him alone now even though he's attempted lsst night as Im not allowed in 'his room' and he also thinks he should he allowed to smoke in there cos it's supposed to be a room for him to do what he wants to do in and not me apprarsntly. That's not right.
    My family also saying I'm giving into him snd Im never gonna be happy or have a future/baby with him cos he is always like it, will never change and I'll always be waiting for the next tkme which I am. I always give him just one more chance. Everytime I'm happy or secure must a lttle but he crashes me right down. I always gotta do what he wants when he wants it and how hd wants it.
    Even though he's made a lot of effort latley and had been feeling better he still treats me so badly amd I csnt take it anymore. My family's all I got to talk to and it doesn't help they say such hurtful things to me anout it and worry me more cos they don't understand his illness in any way.
    Illness aside I do believe he does take me for granted a lot and thinks he csn just treat me this way all the time snd that cos he's depressed he's allowed, even if he does say sometimes when he apologises it's not an excuse, just a reason.
    I try not to take anything personally but I really do have no choice but to keep questioning how much he loves and wants me, us and a future if he's pushing me and our life away.

    I'm so sorry for it being so long and for all the spelling mistskes. I'm on the iPad and typing fast so there's tons of mistakes. Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2012
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap

    Hi, Blackrose. It sounds really stressful. Perhaps if you call your own psychologist's office you might get in sooner because things are so hard right now.

    The way you feel around your husband, "walking on eggshells," must be difficult, especially when you seem to be doing a lot to accommodate him. Relationships are best when there is give and take on both sides.

    Keep talking to us here, and do try to get in to see your psychologist as soon as you can.
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap

    Hi, Blackrose.

    I think you already stated your answer in your own post:

    I would suggest seeing your councilor and being honest with them, just as you were here, and possibly going to talk to someone who deals in these situations, perhaps a woman's support center or group. Walking on eggshells is never a good sign. Trust me, I know from experience. You need to take care of yourself, no matter how much you may love him. :hug:
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap

    I feel so sad for you, but know you are over manipulated...by your husband, this reactions to his diseases, his family, etc. I know this is a difficult question because you love him, but what is best for you? You sound like his 'attendant' not his wife...if that the role you signed up for...I do not feel we abandon people when they are ill, but there has to be a plan in place and both parties have to work towards it...things need to be done in small steps..maybe meeting a friend for coffee/tea so you get some respite...then doing some else for you, etc. taking the dogs to a run etc...that way your life begins to emerge again...good you are talking to your therapist, but make sure the program is about you
  5. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap

    I agree with everyone else here, having someone like a therapist help you and your husband is a good idea.
    But keep in mind, you've both got to want things to change for it to work. It isn't fair to you to have all of the stress of a bad relationship on your shoulders. You're not his caretaker, you're his wife, his partner, you're supposed to support each other to make a life together. If he isn't willing to get help or to change then it's safe to say you're wasting your time and effort on him. Your decisions can be affected by love so easily sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. But if you're unhappy because of his problems and he isn't willing to change them he can't really care much about your well-being. Just make it clear to him, if he's willing to change you'll be there to support him, but you can't continue to live your life hating every moment because you love him.
  6. Blackrose

    Blackrose Member

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap

    Thank you. I havnt been on thst much since last time as I wanted more info to put on. Well I csnt remember it all now as ivd been so stressed and also struck down with a sudden cold or something yesterday so I'm feeling so fed up and crap.
    I domt know how much I can put on here as it only let's me do quick reply for some reason.

    In the middle of obtaining the antidepressants. But nomatter what nothing is going to fix anything unless my husband hss a different outlook on life and a different way of working towards things. If he doesn't do that and doesn't stop treating me bad now...not soon...but now then all is lost as I have no more energy to keep going or to help him or myself anymore.
    I will try snd hold out until Tuesday for the appointment where I can say everything I want to say to the therapist. Not that it'll make any difference to my husband of course but at least I can get some of it out.
    Today I woke up still feeling rather ill..my throat closed up and sore etc. My cats were meowing and scraping at the bedroom door and my parrotlet in the bedroom was tweeting and banging her cage to be woken up and fed.
    I asked my husband if he was getting up as I could've used some help having just woken up myself and feel in rough. He didn't answer as usual. I assumed he was awake cos of the loud animals and he could only not hear me cos of those damn earplugs he keeps in his ears, so I asked again.
    Anyway I got up and started doing what I had to do with the animals. Of course seeing as my parrot is in fhe bedroom I uncovered her and I got to take her bowls out one by one to fill up as I dnt keep her food in the same room. Having taken her water bowl out snd filled it I came back and saw my husband had covered her back up again like he usually does cos shes noisy..despite me telling him every time I need to do her food etc and it's daytime so shes gojng to need to be up. I took her last bowl out to fill up and also had my cats water bowl in my other hand ready to tip down the bathroom sink. So I had my hands full. My husband passed me on my wsy there, parrots cage in one hand and her cover in the other. He placed her right in front on the sink in the bathroom and chucked her clean cover on the closed toilet seat. It fell behind the toilet onto the floor. Leaving her and the cover there and seeing I had my hands full and about to use the sink I could now not get to he still went back to bed..not even sbutting the door so the cats couldn't get to her or moving her onto the cabinet.
    I went to say to him it's not on and she needs to be back in the bedroom but all he says is no, no, no interjptimg me as I speak.
    He akways does this and when we argue he even goes as far as to blame me for the argument etc snd the way he treats me cos of what I say and do cos I dont leave him alone and I never learn my lesson.

    So she's been in the cold bathroom for ages and now I just moved her to the kitchen cos I need a shower. I got a lot to do and feel so horrible and stressed but he coukdnt care less or even offer help.
    He said if I'm gonna say what I wanna say then he's going up his dads and I won't see him. He said I could put the parrot in the kitchen when I have a shower etc and I havnt got even one brain cell. He also said I got to wait till he's ready to get up to put her back I'm the bedroom. I planned to get things done early today so I could lie down under the blanket a bit in the room. I csnt do thst till he's up snd that couod be all day cos he's sleeping to escape the weekend cos the kids are off outside. Then I gotta put up with he foul evil mood and hurtful things when he is up.

    I know everyones different and it depends but I'm really questioning latley how much, if any, of this is to do with just his depression or abuse. Does he really love me or did he ever? Will he ever be the person he was when we met again?
    I feel like I'm wasting my time and life away on this relationship and I feel like his toy to be used when he needs and wants to snd them chucked away gathering dust when he has no use for me and wants to be alone.
    Nothing is gonna change unless he does and I can't see that happening. He says he is working towards being able to go places with me snd having a family etc but he isn't doing anything different to sort it out or work towards it. He knows it won't change by itself so it seems to be it's just excuses not to do anything about it or make any effort.

    Our of your experiences from living with a depressed/suicidal spouse or from being one how much of this csn I take on board as abuse?
    He csn surely control what he ssys and especially does and there's no excuse for it ever? Csn someone actually love someone but always say such hurtful things to them and belittle them/treat them so badly? I got no one to look after me or help me again today snd I'm feeling so alone, depressed and rough.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap


    In my opinion, love doesn't hurt. It supports, uplifts, and makes both partners feel good.

    Both partners in a love relationship are supposed to be mature adults - so yes, adults are supposed to be able to consider others, and control their own words and behavior. But, an abuser controls situations and OTHER PEOPLE instead. Maybe by physical means, maybe by controlling the money, or by isolating the person from friends and family, or maybe by harming pets, or just by threatening or making snide, belittling comments. I've heard that bullies do things to their targets to throw them off balance and question their own perceptions. I think abusive partners are "domestic bullies" who make their partner feel "Is this my fault?"

    I think it's important at your appointment to say what you've said here, to let the counsellor/doctor/therapist know how you're feeling. I feel like I'm wasting my time and life away on this relationship and I feel like his toy to be used when he needs and wants to snd them chucked away gathering dust when he has no use for me and wants to be alone. Nothing is gonna change unless he does and I can't see that happening.

    I hope you can talk to your counsellor/doctor/therapist because the one-on-one talking will help you sort through all this and find the answers yourself.

    Keep posting here. I can only imagine how sad and distressed and even angry you might be feeling. Please stay safe, Blackrose. Thinking of you...:hug:
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Long post. Pls read. Cant keep living with my suicidal husband like this. Torn ap

    Get the parrot a new home.
    Parrots need company and stimulation or they can become psychotic and they certainly cannot be covered up all day.

    Tough love is terribly hard when you love someone, but sometimes it's the only way.
    At the moment your hubby is ruling the roost and putting all his crap on you.
    You will crumble unless you stop being his mother and start being an individual with needs of your own.
    Either move out, even if only temporarily to give yourself some respite.
    Or ignore his constant needs and MAKE him stand up to his own responsibilities.
    As the situation stands, no one is happy, no one is having a life and nothing is going to change until someone makes a stand!
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