Long post... sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lovely_Reverie, Dec 3, 2007.

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  1. Lovely_Reverie

    Lovely_Reverie New Member

    Well I guess I should start off with what is making me feel this way. When I was a young child I was molested, bullied and there was tremendous problems at home and this went on for years and years and years. After a while it takes its toll on a person and I finally came out with the molestation to my family when I was 16 after holding it in for almost 10 years. I've had feelings of loneliness and depression since as long as I can remember and attempted to get help for it about a year ago. The reason I decided to try and get help for it was because I had gotten back into some old bad habits, such as cutting myself and bulemia. At the worst I had planned to make an attempt on my own life and I'm sure I would have succeded at that one thing in my life if it hadn't been for my fiancee walking in on me and wrestling me to the ground to remove the knife from within my grip, I hadn't expected him home so soon. I think the reason I haven't yet taken my own life is for guilt of leaving my loved ones behind but what else can I do? I'm trapped.

    Family: My fiancee and I have been engaged for 3 years now and we really have nothing to show for it except years of fighting. We rarely kiss eachother anymore and when we are intimate it's never because I want to but I do it anyway because I know he wants to. He doesn't know this and I'm sure it would make him feel bad when it really isn't his fault so I neglect to tell him. We owe my mother and father a lot of money and have missed the last 3 payments (for a total of $1500.00) causing them to become more and more agitated and many times my mother verbally attacks me because she is angry with us. They think we are taking them for granted and I can offer them no explanation that would be reasonable enough. We don't have any money because my fiancee cannot swing all the bills on his own and I can't keep a job. This is also causing a rift for us and is another reason why I feel if my life ends I know he will be sad for a while but when he does eventually get over it he will find someone he deserves. My grandparents on the other hand are very supportive of me but I feel this overwhelming guilt about receiving their help that I sometimes cry and become so anxious over it that I literally throw up and cannot breath at times. Over than that I don't have much of a connection with any other family members.

    Work: In the last year I've gone through roughly 8 jobs and the longest wasn't even three months. Many times there is a period of a month or two in between jobs. Oh, and that longest job, by the way, was the job I actually attempted to show up to and tried my best at. But alas, staying hours and hours (off the clock) to make sure all the work was finished up was not good enough and they fired me "because I wasn't ambitious enough." This came as a total shock because just a month before when I had my review with my supervisor she gave me an outstanding review and I had received no warnings that I had been doing anything wrong. I was never sick or late (a very rare thing for me) and never said no to picking up an extra task that one of my coworkers wouldn't do. So this only fed to my already declining self esteem. Seems when I do try it still isn't good enough. Why try anymore? Now I am facing the problem I have always faced, whether to call in sick or just not show up because to me actually going to work just doesn't seem like an option and the worst part yet is I really don't know why I feel so compelled not to go. It's been like this with all my jobs for the last 3 or 4 years and I always end up missing so much work that I feel I have to quit in order to not have to deal with the humiliation of being terminated.

    Finances: I'll keep this short, horrible. In a lot of trouble with creditors, owe a lot of money to relatives and it just keeps getting worse due to my work habits. In addition I am addicted to smoking and fast food (yes it can be an addiction... at least to me I can't seem to do a week without binging).

    I look at some of the people I graduated with and I envy them. I wish I would have done what they did or could live like they do. I feel like my life has already ended because amidst the mountain of debt, the feelings of despair that just won't end, and the unending list of jobs I cannot keep trying to climb a slipper slope. It truely seems like my only way out at this point....
  2. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    Hi ya

    Welcome to SF

    I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

    I dont have any easy answers for you (I wish I did)

    Just hold on and if you need to talk PM me.

    I am always here to listen


  3. Lovely_Reverie

    Lovely_Reverie New Member

    Well I called work in tears (of course I didn't tell them what was wrong... I just told them there were personal reasons) and they allowed me to push my start date to next Monday. I know my grandmother was really excited about my new job so I had to call her because shes the type that would show up at my work to say hello. When she realizes I'm not there she'll call me angry so I called her to tell her. Now shes angry with me and it's so hard explaining things to her because she just doesn't understand. I got a nasty lecture from her and she keeps calling back here threatening to call my mother (who would be even worse to talk to then her) and wanting to talk to my fiancee. She keeps saying things like "you blew it" and "why do you do these things? You make us cry over you" and "why should grandpa help to fix your car if you won't even do this for us."
  4. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't be doing these things for other people dont let them make you feel guilty.

    You need to do whats best for you, you can start your job next week so its no problem.

    All you can do is your best!!!

    Hold on and be strong.

  5. Lovely_Reverie

    Lovely_Reverie New Member

    Well my fiancee woke up because he heard me crying and just held me. It's the first time in a long while that I've felt he understands, even if just a little. I know that I can't make people understand and I know that many won't. However, if I don't at least try and explain things to at least one person in my life then I'm already giving up. I'm okay for now but I know these feelings will come again when I least expect it but I have comfort in knowing that I do have somewhere to turn when there doesn't seem to be any hope left. For that I thank you and I will continue to return here.
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