Just v low so thought I would post.. Due to what I'm down about having quite a bit to do with other people I thought I would remain anonymous and save both them and me the embarrassment. Basically I've been ok for ages. Really good - stable, content if not happy, and able to look forward rather than live each day as a seperate challenge. Things were going so well - I had everything I needed to exist and be quite happy about being here. I don't have many friends. I have been hurt, lied to and let down too many times to even begin to count - and I don't let myself do too much nowadays. I just have known intuitively that I would not actually be able to cope with any more of that kind of thing - I knew if it all happened again it would probably be the point where I would die on the inside if not the outside also. So I've been careful. Up until now. I made a mistake. I trusted someone. I cared. To cut a long story short - they were having problems of various descriptions and were v low. I have known the person quite a while and did really care. I have driven hundreds of miles, been there whenever, lost sleep, paid bills for, worried like crazy - for this person. It was no problem - I chose to do that and I was very glad to. Things went a bit wrong when we ended up sleeping together. Firstly I had to have a coil fitted which was painful and unpleasant. I'm still bleeding and cramping continuously since then - this is 3 weeks later now. I got put on antibiotics because they thought maybe I got an infection from them putting it in - and lo behold - I had an anaphylactic reaction to the penicillin and ended up as a pin cushion for the drs. Myself and the guy involved decided maybe we had rushed into things a little as he had just come out of a relationship. So - although there was obviously some kind of attraction going on there - we thought we would wait to see what the future brought rather than rushing. A few days later - well - I'm told he is seeing someone else now :S So much for not ready - was I used?! I felt like such a friggin idiot. And whilst he is now off spending money in pubs and going out - I am sitting here with cramps and bleeding - and nobody gives a fuck. Apart from the physical I emotionally - well - yeah - not worth talkin about. I feel used and not worthy of anything good in life. Funny thing is - I hope that the 2 of them are happy together - and I hope that things work out for them - I think perhaps they are both lost souls - and if they have found a niche then good luck to them. The other thing - I lent this person some money. A lot of money. I was fairly uncomfortable with it in the first place - and when I was unable to send it on the promised morning because I was poorly with stomach cramps and sickness, the person got very upset and mad with me and said I was a liar and breaking promises like everyone else and that I was only out for myself . I managed to send it the following morning. Since then my parents have found out and don't want to know me - they have given me so many chances in life - and they just think I have done yet another stupid thing and it is one stupid thing too many. I have asked him about paying me back - and asking those close to him - like family or girlfriend - to help. but he won't tell them about it and certainly won't ask them for help. What made me ok to ask? Surely losing face a little bit and asking those nearest and dearest to u to help is better than witnessing someone elses life falling apart around them due to them trying to help you? But nobody cares that much - it is better not to ask your family and sod the fact that it is quite literally breaking me. I mean actually asking them might embarrass the person which is far worse than my parents cutting ties with me and me being alone. Now, having been given promises that they will always be there for me - they aren't. A lot of the time their phone is off (apparently it is playing up and not off..) and they don't really ever bother to contact me - most convo or text is initiated by myself. I care to bits about this person. Please do not make posts criticising them or for that me! I know they aren't 'really' there for me anymore and I know that its more important for them to keep face rather than to try and allow me to keep my family. Whilst I have been suffering physically and emotionally from our errm... encounter - well at least they can go out and have fun. I don't mean to sound bitter. But why does this always happen to me? I have so much love and care in my heart. It doesn't have to be in a relationship kind of way - but each time something like this happens I am torn apart a bit more. I have been suicidal now for a few days. I get near and I want to go - but something in me keeps fighting. In some ways - because I promised this person I would always be there for them - and I am not hot on breaking promises. It would be pertinent to mention also - that in the past they have helped me - it hasn't been a one way street by any means. This person is special and I hope that they don't see this post because they will probably be mad at me or simply never ever speak to me again. I am sure there are always two sides to a story - and I am only saying mine. I just wish that THEY would talk to me about it all... some logic injected into all of this mess would be good. But I am so fucking hurt. And I am simply staying to sort things out now. I WILL get that money back somehow - believe me - I will - they have no idea how resourceful I am. I also have plans for my errmm...future... But nobody is going to know them. And I'm sure nobody actually wants to! I guess enough said. You can see that I am angry, upset, hurt, moaning, a whinge bag and not worth the time of day - or night. As I said - this is how I feel - but don't judge anyone from this post - neither me nor anyone else. Thank you.